I need help with serious family issues?

Question

Hello.

I am currently having serious family issues that I would like advice on. My wife and I have been married for almost a year now. I am 27 and she is 21. She grew up in a very enclosed environment at home with her parents, she was basically home schooled most of her life and has not had major social interaction with others. I have always been more of a social person, I have friends that I have known for over 10 years and are still friends to this date. We are still struggling to find that middle ground in our relationship, because it is always an arguement when I want to go and spend a few hours with my friends, a few hours meaning like 3 or 4 hours on a weekend, maybe to watch a football game or whatever. As far as I know I am a responsble father and husband and take care of things like have our finances intact. and all bills paid. I spend most of my free time with her and the baby because I avoid going out for a breather just not to have an argument. My mother recently is over to visit for a few weeks and my wife started an argument over petty stuff such as my mother and brothers holding the baby, claiming that they will make him sick (she is usually extremely worried about germs). I don't know what to do because my mother wants to spend time with her grandchild and I don't think my wife will even entertain that thought right now. I finally had enough and told her that if she is gonna act that way, she might as well move back to her parents house eight hours away and never tell my son about me because I was just fed up with all the obsessivness. I know its a terrible thing to say but I love my child so much and want to be around him, but as long as my family wants to get involved with seeing him and loving him it will always be stress for me convincing my wife to let them do that. Is almost like being asked to disown my my mother and siblings and just live in a world that is revolves aeround my family. What can I do to make things better because I know deep down she is really a nice loving person, its just that she has no social experience whatsoever be it family or friends. I want her to live a fulfilling life but she doe not understand that and prefers us to live like hermits. I don't want my son to turn out like that . What can I do to make things better?

Answer 1

Hi there,

You are right to be asking for advice when clearly from reading your article, I picked up on the fact that I think your wife does have some antiscoial behaviours. I am assumming that she may also be agrophobic and afraid to go out, is emotionally draining company and generally a very unhappy woman.

There is definitley something causing her to be this way and something about her past other than being closeted up during childhood. I can read from your article that you are an extremley intellignet and insightful person and so what I am saying is going to make sense to you. She does exhibit obbsessive compulsive behaviours and these are usually treated clinically through medication and therapy and I strongly suspect that her time at home as a child, was a very negative experience and maybe other stuff she hasn't come to terms with yet.

But this is an unhealthy situation for you to be in even though she is capable of a very loving nature. Your wife suffers from mental health issues and I am sure that you are aware of this by now? - there will be a lot of stigma and shame for her to acknowledge this and not something that is a comfortable issue with most people but facing up to this is the only way that is going to change this family dynamic. Her behaviour is a result of unresolved issues to do with her past that only she will know what these issues are that she has been carrying around with her for some time now.

You cannot be her therapist and husband, but you can support her and encourage her to talk about her past so that you can get some clues as to why she is the way she is. People aren't just like this or are born like this, there is always a pattern of behaviour that follows a trauma and I think that your wife is emotionally shut-down to her true feelings and needs to start talking and preferabley with a therapist.

She cannot continue to resent you nor behave in these ways that are emotionally abusive as they are mentally abusive and hopefully not physical. But it is clear that she is crying out to rescued by you but you cannot recsue her - only she can do that with help and support and living like a hermit is not conducive to anything. You need to be honest with her and let her know that this cannot continue the way it is and that she needs to start facing up to her past and working through it, because if she doesn't, then this is going to get a lot worse and you are not going to be prepared to live like this in the future.

If she rejects your help and support and refuses to get some proper counselling, then I think moving out may be the only way she will get some help. She will be shocked into reality and this is what she needs because right now, she is in denial about what is causing her to behave like this - it is not enough for her to admit it, but to actively seek some counselling to work through the issues that are making her this way. Go to therapy with her, let her know that you will be at her side if she needs you, but this is a very destructive and unhealthy situation.

The interfearnce of both families isn't going to help this situation with the way it is and so I think that pure concentration on your relationship is the thing you need to focus on right now. get your wife talking and encourage her to seek counselling and to do things from that angle.

Hope I have been able to help, but this is the advice you need.

Answer 2

Man, do I feel so sorry for you. First of all you should have really checked these things out before you got married to her, but regardless of that fact, now you are together and you have major issues with her. It almost sounds to me like she has OCD, which is obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a disorder which many people get. She needs some serious psychiatric counselling for her problem. The problem is definitely not you. You should be able to see your friends etc etc. She could possibly have control issues where she is trying to control you and everything around her. Holding the baby hostage in regard to not sharing the child is definitely wrong of her. She needs to grow up and be an adult and stop trying to control her family and your family. Your family deserves to see this child and hold the baby. For her to deny them of showing their love for the baby is totally unacceptable.

Get her some help fast. Have you thought about talking to a priest or minister about this problem with your wife?

The very first thing she will have to do is ADMIT that she has a problem and then she can get the help she needs.

Please, get her some counselling before things get worse for you. Good Luck with her.

Answer 3

Well Mike in my opinion your mom is being emotionally abused and she is probably more then aware of this. You as the child in this relationship are probably affected by this man's outbursts also. If he refuses to attend for family counseling perhaps he would agree to take some form of anger management course so he could learn better outlets for his anger. You can support your mom by talking with her in a mature and caring manner. Sad that a kid has to witness this but it does happen far to often. Perhaps you can speak with a school counselor and inform them of what is happening and just use them to vent your anger etc. Whatever happens do not try and protect your mother by becoming physical against him as the odds are that you'll be on the losing end of that battle also. If you feel comfortable enough to approach this man when he is in a good mood ask him if the two of you can have a heart to heart talk. At that time inform him of how his behaviour makes both you and your mother feel and the fears associated with this anger. Even if he doesn't alter his behaviour after hearing how scary his outbursts are I bet that he will at least appreciate the fact that you had the backbone to approach and inform him of these issues. If you can talk with your mother and ask her to go to counseling for herself this would be very helpful also, either from a marriage counselor or even at a women's shelter to seek advice. You deserve to be commended on your care and concern for your mother and I would like to give you my personal kudos anyway. Best of luck to you and your family and hopefully soon enough this man will see the damage his outbursts are creating.

Answer 4

you know what you know and your very honest about all of it. but the point will be what do you control, you have to negotiate for everything in life, i once got so pissed at this kind of stuff that you get helpless and wonder why hasn't all this been taken care of in some kind of prenuptial briefing, no one know why is just there it's called the Grey area we define it as the right waste, heart attacks, everything imaginable is in the Grey area where did it come from well you had perceptions of her and she had them of u and once to many times you've taken to many trip to the pigeon hole of being taken for granted so now your stuck with opinions and not controlling what got out of hand and has no way back. that is why the little brown people are coming here as fast as they can because we done this head game to the point that we now have laws to protect the Innocent and i have no idea what that means anymore either, so your point is what to hang on to ask your self do you like living alone and being a scapegoat for it then your just another guy that was had biting on the bare hook that looked so good along time ago

Answer 5

Honestly I would sit her down and have a very serious talk with her about your feelings and how her behavior is effecting you and your relationship with her. you have to be able to keep an open mind also and be willing to listen to her as well. DO NOT get defensive this will end the discussion real quick. If this fails I would honestly go to a marriage counselor, sometimes they can be a very big help and they serve as a GREAT mediator between you and your wife. They may also be able to see other issues in your relationship that you are Not seeing. GOOD LUCK and BEST WISHES

Answer 6

wow - you said a mouthful. i think most of it is coming from frustration and hurt. your wife may be a compulsive personality that lives a sheltered life; but, i think you probably knew this going into the marriage. the ways that you originally liked about her are making you feel confined. she can't change her ways to please you, she has always been this way and you knew it. this is her first baby, and, yes, mother's are very protective. i'm sure if you told your family, your wife's personality, which they probably already know, they would understand. they can love your child, and do it the way it makes your wife feel comfortable. if she doesn't want them to pick him up - don't. i'm sure your mom had some quirks about raising her family when she was young. you should be entitled to see your friends - but, if you know it bothers her for you to visit them, why not have to your house, away from the baby, of course. like this she'll know you are still there for her if she needs you. she sounds really like a good woman, and, really, in this day and age, you should be PROUD to have her as your wife. she is a stay at home mom, who wants to take care of her family. would you rather have a wife that's out their going out with her girlfriends and getting herself into all kinds of trouble?
now, there's a reason for divorce. consider yourself lucky, instead of feeling trapped. good luck to both of you.

Answer 7

Didn't you know she was like this before you married her and made the baby? You still chose to wed her, so get over yourself already-you made the bed now lay in it!

Ok, on the other hand...your wife comes before your family, leave the nest already. Instead of playing victim, seek some help for you and the wife for the sake of baby.

If the wife doesn't confuse the baby-surely your act of selfishness will." You shouldn't mock your wife with ignorance statements" then accuse of her being the strange one.

Meet half way already...go out for a few hours take your baby with you since you don't want him to turn out so much like mommy. If wifey wants to act a fool-let her. "By herself of course"!

If you keep giving her the power she will take it!

Stand up already and act like a man...

Answer 8

From your situation, instead of telling her to go back to her parents, encourage her to go out on her own and enjoy her life,feel her independence and leave the kid with your mother or you. She should make some friends or join a playgroup. I think staying at home has made her obsessed. Understand her situation and be calm at all times. She will be all right. Believe me.

Answer 9

First of all you should apoligize for saying such harsh **** to her it isn't her fought. The thing about your baby and germs is a mother worring about her child. It is very common for a mother to feel that way she doesn't want anything to hurt her child. A child has not devolped fully and can easily get sick she is just worried.

Answer 10

try to take her out and be more socially active with you. Like to place where you can meet and mingle with new people. Sounds like she could use a friend to stop bothering you all the time.