Need advice on dealing with stepson?

Question

I have a 9yrold stepson. When he was little, he loved coming to see us and hated to go home. Now, we have to force him to come and he picks on little bro and sis(6&2). Some people won't come to our house when he's here because they think he's mean and hard to be around. I love him dearly, but he IS hard to be around. How do we deal without making him feel we love him less. His mom tells him he only has to come because it's the law-not because we love and miss him. She tells him when he's 12 he can tell the judge he doesn't want to come anymore. There has also been a couple of fondling incidents with his little brother at his Mom's house and a younger cousin. Both times both boys were touching each other. Really need help!

Answer 1

I am a stepmom to. It is hard. His mom lets him get away with everything because she dosen't have the time to punish him. So when he comes out here we have to deal with his behavior. I think as far as the kids touching each other that is natural. I think every child goes through that stage. You just have to sit them down and really talk to them about why it is wrong. The biological mother will most likley always be that way. You just have to reassure him every time he his over there. If he does get into trouble let him know you love him but he cant disobey the rules at your hous. Kids like to feed into the fact that they can act a certain way with one parent and not the other. He knows he can run home to his mom and say all kinds of bad stuff because she will feed into it. Just be patient and keep stressing that you love him and as he gets older his feelings will probably change. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Well first of all the mother seems to be putting him in the middle of the legalities and that should be stopped. Seems like the boy needs alittle bit of counseling maybe by himself and as a family. Some children take separation harder than others and just can't seem to adjust to dad not being there and having a whole other family and you never can be sure if his mom has put things in his head or makes him feel bad when he comes back i would say he need counseling he needs to talk about how he feels with his situation and why he feels that way it would be more healthier for him and the family then maybe every1 can start new relationships with each other and every1 will know how much they are truly loved.Good Luck :)

Answer 3

First, you should both let the child know that you love him and miss him when he is gone. Let him know he is important to you in words and actions. (actions not being spoiling him---not saying you are, but lots of people do that to their "weekend" children.)
Second, you need to explain to him that the behavior he is showing is not accepted at your house. It is also important to treat all the children in your house the same. Remember, thought, that they are siblings and many siblings have a love/hate relationship. My kids go at each other like cats and dogs, as do almost every group of kids I know.
About the fondling, this is pretty normal, to a point that is. Children like to explore. I would not make a big deal about it, except to tell him that these are private parts on our body and we shouldn't share them with others until we are older. Or something like that.
If you are worried about him being molested over there and that is the reason he is doing this, then just tell him that if he ever needs to talk to both of you about anything you will always be there for him. No matter what he tells you, without judging.
About the things his mother says, they are not hurting anyone but the child. When the child tells you these things, tell him that is not true. His father should talk to the mother in a calm manner and ask her not to do this, as it can create issues with your son. It's clear that she wants full custody with no visits, but be relieved that even if the child tells a judge that, it is very rare that a parent will get no visits at all.

Answer 4

I have a step-son age 4. He stay with us for a month and it was great. I have a 5 yr old so they got along perfectly played with each other shared and everything nice. His mom took him back (long story). Well we now have him every other weekend and its a nightmare. He fight with my son doesn't behave just a nightmare and I couldn't handle it. I was about to leave my husband because of it. He thought that I just didn't like his son. After I broke down in tears from frustration he spoke to his son. His mother was telling him that when he's with us not to listen to fight with my son all together to be mean. What my husband and I decided to do was to have a family meeting the three of us then the four of us. We explained to his son that we love and that and that we would like to have our little good boy back. My son spoke to him showed him love from each direction. It gotten better but be have that meeting every time he comes back. About the fondling it might have been more of curiosity than anything else but if you are afraid of it happen to your kids talk to them and let them know that no one should touch them not even there brother.

Answer 5

He may have decided he doesn't want to visit because he doesn't like your rules. If could be he has a lot of freedom at home both with his actions and his speech, if you are less tolerant of those behaviors he may feel unwanted or just not want to follow your rules. Do you try to contact him between visits? phone calls or going to his school or extracurricular activities? You can't just ignore him for 2 weeks and want him to come to you. Make sure you and your husband are trying to be part of his life and not just expecting him to fit into yours. I wonder if he doesn't feel abandoned by his father who has another family and he feels like a guest or intruder when he is there, especially if people are avoiding him. If his mother is telling him those things it is probably because he tells her you are mean or you don't like him or his dad likes his new kids better and he feels alienated when he's there. Does he have a space of his own when he visits? There are all kinds of things that could be wrong. Have you tried talking to him? explaining that you love him and you want to be part of his life and while your rules are different they are there for his own good and protection and he must follow them. If he is unhappy with something in particular you could discuss it and try to find a compromise. I am sure there is more to this story- split families are never this simple. I would definately discuss the possibility of counseling- for the fondling incident and to help his relationship with your family. Be prepared to take an active roll and for your husband to be present if need be. Good Luck

Answer 6

Lawyer.......what his mom is doing is a version of Parent Alleination Syndrome (PAS). this is becoming very common in the split family generation. Look it up on the internet, we are going through a custody battle ourselves and PAS is a big part of some of the problem. Family Court can better advise you o what you need to do, it seems you need to go through them and have the judge order that this child have counseling, he needs help. I know it sounds expensive gettig a lawyer going to family court, but the saftey and well being of your childdren....pricesless. When he is older and really getting into a lot of trouble it will cost you much more to help him, so get on it now.

Answer 7

Your step-son is angry, and is expressing his anger through his actions. The question is, what is he angry about? This is the question you are going to have to investigate and find the answer(s). From what I am reading, he must live with his mother full time, and only see you for visitations.

You are fighting an up hill battle here. I believe, from what you have told me, his mother isn't just telling him he only has to visit because it is the law. She most likely, is also saying mean and hurtful things to him about you and his daddy. I suspect he has some resentment toward you and his daddy. I strongly recommend you guys seek family counseling. You and your husband need to discuss this with each other first, and then you are going to need to talk with the mother. I strongly suspect she is the root of the problem, or at the very least, a part of the problem. I realize this could be very intense, but you are doing this for the boy, and what is best for him. You don't have the luxury to avoid confrontation with her, or you may lose him forever. Make sure he IS NOT around for that conversation.

I am a step parent, who has also been the step child. My step daughter, whom I have grown to love and adore, lives with me and my wife full time. I CAN NOT stand her daddy for a lot of reasons I will not go in to now. I do my level best to save my comments for when she is not around. She loves her daddy, and she should, he is her daddy. The same principle applies here for you as well. I am not accusing you of running her (the mother) in the ground in front of your step son, I don't get the sense that is happening. All I am saying is, your first step to win this battle is make sure you are not doing that in front of him. If you are, stop it now. You guys need to find some common ground with the mother, which may be much easier said than done. Make sure that you guys are calling to talk to your son between visits. Show interest in him at times other than when he is visiting you. Go to school plays, church activities, little league event he may be involved with, and also make sure you are treating him in the same manner as your other children.

As for the fondling issue, ALL of you are going to have to deal with this issue together. No one can afford to ignore that issue.
You are going to have to find away to get him to see this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated.

I hope I have some how helped you. I wish you all kinds of luck. I am there with you right now.

Answer 8

you should sit down and talk to all of the people in this delima. Just have a nice talk even with the mother of your stepson.

Answer 9

Family counseling!

Answer 10

Make it fun for him to be there. Play his favorite games and movies and cook his favorite foods. tell him that you love and miss him and it feels bad when he doesn't wan't to come. his mom probably
brainwashed him so she wouldn't lose him so tell her she won't lose him, but she maybe will if she pushes her luck.