I can never ever remember jokes and the group of people I know are always telling them... I want to make them laugh for a change!
Please help?
xx
2006-11-07 20:42:56 · 35 answers · asked by *BURNY* 5 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
This had me crying when I first heard it...
An old man is riding in a lift with two glamorous women. One woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag and sprays her neck. She turns to the other woman and says, "Romance by Ralph Lauren...£150 an ounce."
The other woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag, sprays herself, and says, "Chanel No.5...£200 an ounce"
The lift stops and the doors open.
The old man steps out and lets off a huge rumbling fart. As the doors close he looks back at them and ays..."Broccoli, 49p a pound."
2006-11-07 22:56:41 · answer #1 · answered by miz Destiny 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋
ATTENTION Please!
These days people are being more believers on horoscopes and astrology.
Here was a man of this kind who wanted to start this all on a monday.
So on monday, he lifted the paper on which there was written
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will get a huge sum of money and fame as a surprise."
He waited till midnight but didn't get anything.
On tuesday, he lifted the paper and was written
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will meet a beautiful, adorable girl as a surprise."
He thought "what about money, i'm gonna meet a beautiful girl"
He waited all day long, but didn't meet anyone
Now came the Wednesday and this man, with last hopes, lifted the paper which says,
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will be really surprised to know that someone is fooling you since the last two days."
2006-11-07 22:28:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Umm..do no longer take this like i'm asserting it impolite or something (with the aid of fact i'm no longer), yet this question must be interior the Jokes & Riddles type, no longer the Comics and Animation type. yet i'll respond to the question besides. Q: What do you get once you bypass Sailor Moon's cat with a clock? A: A Lunatick! (Sailor Moon's Cat's call is Luna, so which you get it Luna+Clock(Tick) =Lunatic?!) study this comedian tale too, I have been given a snigger out of it!! Q: How long does it take the Sailor Scouts to alter a mild bulb? A: One hour (sixty minutes) -- with the aid of fact: one million. It takes 5 minutes for Ami (Sailor Mercury) to examine it along with her computing device. 2. upload quarter-hour for Minako (Sailor Venus) to bypass out and get yet another gentle bulb after she drops the 1st one. 3. upload half-hour waiting for the capability to be restored, after Makoto (Sailor Jupiter) by risk zaps her thunder powers attempting to place in it. 4. upload 10 minutes for Usagi (Sailor Moon) and Rei (Sailor Mars) arguing over who's going to place in it. Then i think of you ought to respond, "properly, according to risk they must purely call an electrician!" after analyzing this comedian tale. -Sailor Moon
2016-10-03 10:03:53 · answer #3 · answered by schugmann 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's some that Cracked me up. ENJOY! :-)
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine?She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.
"I wish I can become really smart and find a way off this island". POOF! The redhead immediatly build a boat out of twigs and vines and sailed off the island. The brunette then approached the genie and said "I wish to be even smarter than the redhead and find a way off the island". POOF! She started to collect rocks and seashells and made a airplane and flew right off the island. Now very excited, the blonde said to the genie "I want to be even smarter than those two and find a way off this island. POOF! The blonde turned into a man and walked across the bridge.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios? "Oh look, donut seeds."
A Blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning she got all her gear and headed out. When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:"there's no fish in there". So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish there. So she moves again and the voice tells her there are no fish there. So she looks up and see's a man looking down at her. "How do you know there are no fish there?" So the man cooly says "Well first of all this is a hockey rink and you're going to have to pay for those holes.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A blonde was woken up in the middle of the night to find her house alight. So she went straight to the phone and called 911. When they asked how do you we get to your house, she said "Duh...in the big red truck!"
Why do blonde woman use electric lawnmower's? So they can use the cord to find ther way back!!!!!
2006-11-07 20:49:00 · answer #4 · answered by Nicole B 2 · 3⤊ 3⤋
I like the following joke because you can substitute whomever you want as the main character:
A man dies and goes to Hell. Upon arriving, he's greeted by the Devil. "Welcome to Hell! You're here for eternity, but I'm in a good mood, so you can choose one of three rooms where you'll be spending it."
He opens a door to the first room & the guy peeks in. He sees a room full of people standing on their heads, and the floor is bare cement.
He tells Satan: "Hm, let me see what else you got."
The Devil takes him to room #2 and opens the door. Peeking in, the guy sees a room full of people standing on their heads... this time the floor is stucco cement!
"Aw, man..." says the guy, "...this is even worse than the first. Show me the third room & I'll decide."
Without a word, the Devil takes him to a third door and opens it. Looking in, the guy sees a room full of people standing around casually, drinking coffee, eating donuts and smoking cigarettes. But they're knee-deep in cow-sh*t. He tells Lucifer: "Well, this is definitely the better of the three. I'll stay in this room."
He walks in & Satan closes the door. Making his way to a table he pours himself some coffee and looks around the room for a bit. A few minutes later, the Devil opens the door and sticks his head in. "Allright, everybody," he shouts, "breaks over! Get back on your heads!!"
2006-11-07 20:55:25 · answer #5 · answered by Xceed One 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs
???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath.
Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front"!!
2006-11-07 21:54:35 · answer #6 · answered by shoosh_b 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
It was the end of the school year at one primary school and the children where giving out presents to the teacher. The florists daughter gave the teacher a cone shaped present wrapped in brown paper and the teacher said "ooh is it a bunch of flowers?" "yes" replied the pupil. Then the sweet shop owners son stepped up and gave the teacher his present and the teacher said "ooh is a box of chocolate?" "yes" said the boy. Then the wine shop owners son stepped up and gave the teacher his present which she saw was dripping from a corner. She put her finger under the drips and licked her finger and asked "is it wine?" "no" replied the boy she had another taste and asked "is it champagne?" "no" replied the boy "it’s a puppy!"
loooool! rofl!
2006-11-07 22:44:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
a bus driver and a bishop go heaven and are met by st peter who welcomes them.
he then says to the bishop i will now take you to your heaven a donkey and cart arrive and they all get in,after a while they arrive at a cottage which is a little rundown st peter says if you require anything go to the well in the garden and ask you may get it you may not.
he then says to the bus driver now to your heaven and a big limousine arrives driven by a young lady who is topless.
they then arrive at a 45 bed roomed mansion where more topless girls greet the bus driver st peter say,s anything you want tell one of these girls and you will get it.
the driver says excuse me st peter but i think you have got a bit mixed up with me and the bishop
he say,s let me explain
when the bishop used to give his sermons in church the congregation would fall asleep
but when you drove your bus your passengers would pray like crazy
hope you like it even though it,s a bit long
2006-11-07 20:51:08 · answer #8 · answered by tony b 2 · 5⤊ 1⤋
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000
left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course I
Had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another
$2,000. The rest went to the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
2006-11-07 21:24:39 · answer #9 · answered by Mr Cellophane 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead.
i know the person who made that joke up, when she was 5 for a project at school. my twin.
2006-11-07 23:21:49 · answer #10 · answered by kiki_dees 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋