my gf's husband committed suicide 2 years ago on christmas?

Question

with christmas coming up I'm sure it'll be tough on her... I'm just wondering what i can do to help her through this really tough time. does anyone have similar situation?? experiences??? any input would be welcomed

Answer 1

Dear mrbubba,

On December 19,1999 at about 2 a.m., my oldest daughter's father (my ex) was found lying face down behind a bar in Florida that he used to frequent. He had went out with his cousin that night. When his cousin found him lying in the parking lot, he rolled him over to find that he was bleeding from the mouth and unconscious.

The paramedics were called & the Sherriff was on the scene. Sadly, he passed on the way to the hospital. There were several different witnesses, but no REAL answers. What I can gather from all the witnesses accounts, is that he was in the bar playing pool and he made a comment to a young woman that her boyfriend did not appreciate.

An argument ensued, and they took it out back. A fist fight took place, and my ex was the one who lost. The guy who beat on him actually beat him to DEATH. He punched my ex so hard in the chest that it caused his heart to stop beating. He murdered him. But, the police cannot PROVE that this man did this to my ex because most of the witnesses and other people involved were friends & family of the man who killed him. Of course, they are lying and trying to cover things up so the jerk doesn't go to jail.

Now keep in mind, this happened on 12-19-1999. My ex and I were not in a relationship at that time. We had split up about 1 1/2 years prior. However, we have a daughter together. When all this took place, she was only 8 years old. Also, he lived in Florida at the time, and our daughter & I lived in Ohio.

At this same time, I was coming out of a VERY ABUSIVE relationship. I found out about what had happened to my ex through my best friend's mother. I guess my ex's mother had called my best friend's house at about 3 a.m. that morning. She told my best friend's mom what had happened to my ex and asked her to find me and let me know.

Well, 12-19-1999 at about 9 a.m., I called my best friend's house to ask her if me & my children could stay with her until I got a place of my own (I had to leave my current home because of the abusive jerk I was with at the time). Her mom answered the phone and told me of the situation in Florida.

I was at a pay phone with my three children when she described the scene to me. I LITERALLY FELL TO MY KNEES & STARTED CRYING!!! I couldn't believe that this had happened. Even though I was no longer in a relationship with this man, I felt such a TREMENDOUS FEELING OF LOSS. I was upset, confused, angry, sad, and very depressed.

All I could think of was, "How am I going to tell our daughter that her father is dead?!" Still, to this day (it's been almost 7 years), they haven't been able to prove (no hard evidence) that the man who beat on him actually KILLED him. So his cause of death is still listed as "undetermined". That makes things even harder.

Anyway, my daughter was eight.....everytime I tried to tell my little girl what happened to her father, I BROKE DOWN & couldn't do it. Finally, a few weeks later, I got myself under control and tried to explain things to her. I didn't even get to finish telling her that her father was gone when she said, "I know daddy's gone, mommy. He's in heaven right now. He told me he's up there & he's watching over me & you. He said to tell you that he loves you and not to cry. He was also at school with me today when I took my spelling test. He told me I did good and he loves me."

I burst into tears!!! WOW! What strong faith she had. I was at a loss for words. Ever since that day, I have nurtured my daughter's faith & beliefs. She is now 14, and she still talks to him, has dreams about him, keeps his pictures displayed closely to her, and wants to know EXACTLY what happened (as I do) to him. It haunts us every single day of our lives....

She is so hell bent on finding out what happened to him that she is studying things so that she can become a Crime Scene Investigator when she grows up & find out on her own! Every year at Christmas time though, she gets depressed and cries (as I do) because he is gone. And on December 18th &19th, we don't go anywhere. It seems as though we have TERRIBLE luck on those days in the odd numbered years. So we stay in.

I know exactly where you & your g/f are coming from. The best thing you can do for her is to be a good ear for her. Let her talk about it with you. Don't get jealous or think that she is still in love with this man. She is not. But we humans MUST mourn the ppl we care for...it's our nature. Listen unconditionally, do NOT be judgmental, critical, or biased. Do not look at it from a BOYFRIEND'S point of view. Look at it from a human being's point of view.

If you do this, you will build a HUGE amount of trust & intimacy with her. She will love you more for being there for her and not being a jealous jerk. I can't talk to my current b/f about what happened to my ex. He always says that he thinks I am still in love with my ex. And that's not the case.

Simply, I have not actually mourned my ex yet. I have been too busy worrying about my daughter's feelings to deal with my own. So, when you open that can of worms with your g/f, be COMPLETELY AVAILABLE for her. That means be there emotionally, mentally, as well as physically. Trust me....your relationship with her will only flourish and blossom because you are so understanding. It's just like being her best friend and listening to her cry & talk about her feelings & then offering a nice big hug to let her know it "will be okay".


Do this and you will be a happy man because she will be able to start mending her heart....with your help...best wishes....

I hope this helps you. If I can be of anymore help, email me or IM me...it's on my profile page....Blessed be!

Answer 2

Be aware that if she's being angry or irritable, it may be from the situation. (It's easy to forget, even in a situation like this, that her getting mad at you for something trivial isn't really what's going on in her head.) You sound like a VERY caring, sensitive man, and she's lucky to have you. God Bless you, both.

Answer 3

possibly u might want to enable people pay appreciate to the guy they knew, you've your existence basically before you and that i do not imagine you could make some thing better effective through staying offended so attempt to flow on and stay a cheerful existence.

Answer 4

There's nothing that you can really do for her. Just be there for her and listen to her if she needs to talk. If she tells you that she doesn't need anything from you, please don't take it personally. Some people deal with things in their own way and don't want help from anyone.

Answer 5

all that can be done should already be there ,
Family,Xmas spirit,Love etc.
Take it as it comes ,
if there is a sad moment ,this is to be expected
deal with it when it happens
mwanwhile relax and dont highlight the fact.

Answer 6

Let her be the one to talk to you about it. I am sure it will be difficult time for her. Just be there and listen to her.

Answer 7

just be there for her and if she is feeling down let her know that you are there and maybe give her a hug?