Right now, mine is from a 80's comedian named Judy Tenuta:
So my mother says to me,
"Judy, you're such a procrastinator!
You're never going to amount to anything!"
I just looked at her and I says.... you'll see...
You just wait.
2006-11-07 12:06:23 · 7 answers · asked by rabble rouser 6 in Education & Reference ➔ Quotations
Why do they have to sell toilet paper in 24 packs, people see you walking around the store with 24 rolls of toilet paper and they are probably thinking, geeze does that guy ever leave the bathroom? - Jim Gaffigan
2006-11-07 13:48:10 · answer #1 · answered by toesucrazypunker 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some of my favorite quotes......insults, really:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring
a friend .. if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about..." - Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -
Oscar Wilde
2006-11-07 13:02:16 · answer #2 · answered by delighteddave 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"If I had a hammer, I'd build a house for two
And if I had a sailing ship, I'd take a trip with you.
And if I had the poet's hand, I'd write a verse for thee.
And if I had the painter's touch, on canvas you would be.
But I don't have a hammer, and I don't have a ship
So I can't build a house, and we can't take a trip
And I'll never be a poet, nor have the painter's grace
So I'll never write your verse, or immortalize your face
... and also, I have Herpes" ~ Stephen Lynch
2006-11-07 12:20:07 · answer #3 · answered by Takfam 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not quote a comedian, though i act up a lot. I once told my sister when things were going bad for her; "IF YOU WIPE YOUR *** AND THERE'S SH1T ON THE TOILET PAPER, IS THERE STILL SH1T ON YOUR *** ??"
2006-11-07 12:30:33 · answer #4 · answered by ludwigkicker 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Heeeeeeeerrrrrrrrssssssss Johnny!
2006-11-07 12:10:15 · answer #5 · answered by Agnon L 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Is rape okay if it's in self-defense?" -Chris Karabelas
2006-11-07 13:02:52 · answer #6 · answered by Andrew 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Let the beatings begin."
2006-11-07 12:16:46 · answer #7 · answered by AliCat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋