My older sister and I have not had any kind of relationship except a destructive one. I try to remain civil and not do any harm to her or me. However, it has gotten to the point where I need to decide if being civil is safe or not. To make a long story short- she abused me when we were kids, and so did some of her friends. I have tried to take the high road and after years of therapy, have forgiven that behavior. I ahve confronted her and she denied it, and still does. However, she is very angry at me and now has a son (my nephew is 2) who I am afraid of hurting. She has not let me hold him. She lives 1000 miles from me, and I only see them on holidays. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing, and I continue to send holiday cards, etc, but it sucks not getting it in return. I feel that I am hurting myself. Where do I draw the line?
2006-11-07 08:18:34 · 11 answers · asked by soberlunatic 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Girl, that line was drawn about 2 miles back. Some people are just wacky for some reason. You may just have to give up, unless some weird sort of chance pops up!
2006-11-07 08:21:45 · answer #1 · answered by me 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should draw the line with your comfort level. If you are not getting anything out of the relationship (especially one that has had repercussions requiring therapy), you should reconsider why you are still attempting a relationship. The idea of a 'normal' relationship went out the window when she abused you, and was exacerbated by the fact that she denied it. You have gotten therapy, and moved on for the most part, it sounds like. It also sounds like you were a big enough person to keep some good feelings in your heart towards her.
But define 'doing the right thing'. Does that apply to you or to her? Being related by blood does not give someone a free pass to treat you as they please, and it does not require you to take any treatment that they dole out. If you feel like you are hurting yourself, then you must stop. You haven't come this far to start actively engaging in destructive behavior now.
It seems to me that you are the type of person whom knowing is a privilege, not a right. If your sister does not recognize that, it is her loss.
But what about your nephew? Consider if the abuse is of the nature that it cannot be curbed. Have you thought about whether or not he will fall victim to the same abuse you did? Some sort of Child Services agency would not be out of the question should you decide that he is in danger. But as far as YOU hurting him, as you expressed a concern for, being an aunt, either there all of the time, absentee, or persona non grata, has rarely done damage to a child.
Do what you think is best for you; your question alone suggests that you know exactly what that is.
2006-11-07 16:36:57 · answer #2 · answered by Beca 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't sound like you've forgiven her. And that's ok. I would still send cards just for your nephews sake but there is no reason you would need to have a relationship with your sister. Hope your still in therapy or in some sort of support group. Also know that your sister may have been abused herself and may have blocked a lot out. It may not be her maliciously trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Is it possible that she doesn't remember hurting you? I'm not trying to make her into a saint and I feel for you. It just seems like maybe your not over this and still feel angry towards her. Always make sure she knows you're there for her son.
2006-11-07 16:27:51 · answer #3 · answered by G 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point I would worry about being a good Aunt and forget about what you get in return. Your nephew is at the will of his Mother so he can't send you anything back just yet. You have to be the better person and keep sending him Birthday and Holiday Cards. It is tough not having the kind of relationship that is expected out of sisters but remember friends are the family you choose. I am closer to my friends than my sister also. We just don't have that much in common. I have just learned to accept it and you will too. It does get easier as you get older. She may change as well but don't hold your breathe.
2006-11-07 16:24:29 · answer #4 · answered by Stiletto ♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know it is hard but send those cards and let your nephew you you love him. He never did anything to you. And if your sister lives a 1000 miles away, why are you afraid. If you only see them at holidays then there are others around right?
We can give you a lot of ideas, but when it comes down to it, you have to just do what is right for you!
BEST OF LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-11-07 16:23:30 · answer #5 · answered by hummingbird 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this is one of those situations where you will not get the benefit of closure. You have done the right thing, that has to be of some comfort.
It is unfortunate that your nephew may not know his Aunt, but in the long run, it may be better to stay away. You can't fix here, you can only continue to do what it right.
Have you thought of picking up a phone, when she answers, just tell her that you don't want to bother her, but wanted to tell her that you love her. Then quietly say good-bye.
2006-11-07 16:51:37 · answer #6 · answered by chris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First realize the problem is her not you, I have a very similar situation. My brother goes as far as to tell people he is an only child. It kills my mom, no one understands what the issue is... not even I. As for the cards, send them, continue to be who you are, there may be a time where your nephew needs you... keep that door open for him!
Good Luck! (and yes it hurts like hell)
2006-11-07 16:23:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl, give it up. Sometime water is thicker than blood. Some may disagree with me, but why waste all that time and energy in someone so evil? You still have other family and friends, let them cherish you the way you should be, a good person.
2006-11-07 16:23:07 · answer #8 · answered by Fuzzy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i know it is hard to understand her behavior, i am sure you would think that because she is your sister that you should know her better than anyone else and it sucks that you two are almost strangers that's the way it is with sisters i have 5 and i am the youngest and i to was torcherd and i hated them for that but i just came to a conclusion that they are nuts and i can love them and not waste my time trying to understand them cuz life is to to short!! just do what your doing i am sure you are doing the best you can!!
2006-11-07 16:30:25 · answer #9 · answered by notyochic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is hurting? Sending the cards? It probably hurts her, too. Just stop.
Holidays are not meant to be unhappy. Focus on the friends you have today. Someday, if she becomes one of them, you can include her.
2006-11-07 16:23:48 · answer #10 · answered by shirleykins 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋