Seems we lost our daughter, what can I do?

Question

When our girl was 13 she got in trouble, did some bad stuff. A good girl, but then sidetracked and with unacceptable.attitudes towards us and her younger sister. We had to give her a really severe punishment for 4 months. She changed completely, but t got into a deep depression. Got very humiliated. She partially got over the depression but never forgot what happened. She turned into a wonderful girl that everybody praises. Now, at 15, an honor student, takes part in voluteering activities. She everything that makes parents proud, except that avoids us. After that punishment, she stopped loving us. She doesnt get in trouble and is respectful, but a stranger. We tried everything we could, including family therapy. Yesterday, at therapy, she told us and the therapist, very calmly and with no anger that she really doesn't like us, will never forget what happened and intends to leave us when she's 18. I could feel horrified that was not a teen thing. I got really down, lost my girl.

What really got me down is the girl didn't talk like a teen at all. She was calm, firm, showing no anger. Just said she really doesnt like us, can't consider us as parents. Said she doesnt hate us, but is decided to leave us when she's 18. God, she talked like an adult, a very resentful but mature adult

Answer 1

How can we comment - what was this "four month punishment"? the fact that you have not mentioned it makes me wonder if you feel as uncomfortable about it now as perhaps your daughter did then.

I am afraid if you drive ANYONE to the point that they are humiliated AND depressed - and then maintain that for MONTHS - it is perhaps a fair bet that they would not wish to spend much time with you.

Imagain that your closest friends were able to do to you - what you did to your daughter - for four motnhs. Imagine that you felt as depressed and humiliated as your daughter did - for FOUR MONTHS - then a bit later - your "best friend" wants to be all pally again.

Would you embrace her or tell her to f*** off out of your life for ever?

Sorry to be really harsh about this, but I think the only therapy that will be of use now is therapy to help YOU come to terms with the loss of your daughter. Perhaps in many years she might make tentative contact again. you never know.

Answer 2

Without knowing what she did and what the punishment was, I can't really tell you why exactly she is holding a 2 year long grudge against you, or why she intends to hold it for the rest of her life. Do you fear that the punishment was unfair? Do you think that she feels the punishment was unfair and that is why she is holding it against you? My first instinct is that she may be feeling unfair treatment against her, possibly in relation to how you treat her sister.

All you can really do is to pay attention to your parenting and make sure that everything in your home is fair. Give both of your daughters equal praise for equally good behavior, make sure punishment fits the crime in all of your children, make sure that there is absolutely no special treatment of either daughter just because you think one of them loves you more than the other. If you have a special activity that you do with her younger sister, try your best to find a special activity that you can do with your other daughter that will be just the two of you. Make it completely clear that just because what she said hurt you, that you still love her just as much as her sister and that you support her in everything she does. Just because she is trying to alienate you doesn't mean you have to alienate her in return.

A special surprise every once in awhile doesn't hurt either - even if it's just a card to let her know that you love her and are thinking of her. My mom used to leave little notes for me on the kitchen counter every once in awhile that were very simple - just something like "I love you SOOOOO much and I am very proud of everything you do!" and I kept all of them for so long, because they'd really brighten my day.

Be humble. Admit when you are wrong. Just because she is a child, doesn't mean that she is always wrong about everything. Apologize for what you genuinely feel you have done incorrectly.

All you can really do it wait things out. I wish you the best of luck! A lot of children will learn to come around once they feel their parents have become more understanding of their situations.

Answer 3

First off, don't beat yourself up over the punishment you gave her. It did the trick and turned her around didn't it? You were able to keep her out of trouble, saved her from the self-destructive path she was on...and you also had a younger child to think about. Who knows where she would be now if you hadn't taken control when she was 13?

Maybe you need to try a different therapist? Have you tried talking to the current therapist one on one, without your daughter present? I know that it's confidential, but could she clue you in to what's going on in your daughter's head?

It sounds as if your daughter feels the punishment meant you didn't love her anymore and now she's building a wall between you and her...like she won't let you "hurt" her again. Has anyone tried discussing with your daughter that the reason you did what you did was to save her from her own poor choices?

Your daughter still loves you, but it sounds like she doesn't know how to give in and admit it without feeling like she's losing self respect.

Is she on any mood altering prescriptions for her depression that you said she is partially over? Perhaps the medications have some negative side effect and could be at least partially to blame for her coldness?

I wish you and your family the very best of luck in getting over this.

Answer 4

Sounds like your daughter knows her mind. She grew up; she although very young is an adult concerning this topic. There is a very good chance that she won't have anything to do with you when she gets old enough to leave. And she won't feel bad about it.

The best you can do at this point is try and redeem yourself, without ,of course, compromising your role as parents.

She may of course come around years later, then again she may not. Life is a crap shoot; sometimes you win sometime you don't.

Answer 5

Wow. What did you do? Did you send her away or something?

Here's what I think: When I was 13, 14, 15, I was not punished enough! I still turned out ok but I think I could have used some serious discipline. You did what you felt was best for your child and you protected her the best way you could. Unless she was physically, mentally and emotionally harmed during this punishment, I think she'll come around as she matures. It all just takes time!

Answer 6

You have my deepest sympathy, this is difficult but I think eventually it will pass. Your daughter may have sounded like an adult, but she isn't. I don't know how harsh you were with her, but barring banishment, abuse, and other extreme forms of punishment, I would say that when she gets out on her own she'll begin to understand that you did what you thought was best for her and the family. Just continue to show her that you love her and will always be there for her. She may turn around before she turns 18. I wish you and your family the best.

P.S. You may want to try a different counselor if this one does not seem to be helping.

Answer 7

Unfortunately when you have to use tough love, that causes repercussions in the family. Your daughter probably hasn't forgiven you for the humiliation and depression that she had during her punishment. Give her time, and let her know that you'll still be there for her if she needs you. As time goes by she'll eventually come to realize that you did what's best for her.

Answer 8

I am so sorry to hear this. I am guessing I would need to know what the punishment was to give a better opinion. I would try my best to reasure her that you did what you did to help and that you love her very much and you never want to lose her. I would say this everyday.

Answer 9

You do what you can to aid in your children's growth towards adulthood, there is a very good chance she is just being defiant in a different way.
Given a few years she will be into the next stage of growing and be someone different, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Kids have spells of total dislike for all the authority in their lives.
Just stay firm in your decision and someday when she has kids of her own she will understand.

Answer 10

I know where you are coming from lady, and I don't mean to sound flip, but all of your problems and your daughters can be answered and totally forgiven and worked out, by having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The bible will give you so much guidance and understanding. Read in the new Testament and try to get her to study the Bible. She has become hard hearted and must understand that the punishment that you gave here was nothing compared to the punishment of going to hell. My dear lady it is real wheteher you believe it or not.