So I just got married and the talk of kids has come up for months now. I feel totally ready. I'm 26, have my masters, and a stable job. My husband is 32, stable job and has his bachelors. We've been together for nine years and own our home. He says he wants kids too, but not now because he doesn't feel financially secure. We do have debt, but it is manageable and we're not living paycheck to paycheck, we have some savings. I asked him where he felt we should be before he is comfortable and I was shocked at his answer! I told him realistically to be that financially secure would take us 5 years and I am not interested in waiting that long. His response to that was we'll see and he gave me the impression he didnt want to talk about it anymore. So, after all that my question is whether I should just leave this alone or try and talk with him about it further? I don't want to be a nag, but not even trying until we're 31 and 36 troubles me, especially if we have trouble conceiving!
2006-11-07 06:34:26 · 16 answers · asked by Just Me 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
What I think that you should is sit down with him and try to explain to him about your biological clock, every woman has one and let him know that you still want to be able to play and have fun with you baby. Tell him that your willing to wait for maybe a year so you guys can clean up your debt a little more and get more financially secure. Ask him to help you write out the pros and cons about having a baby now and later. You need to remember, a man feels alot better when he can support his family. He might also be thinking about if you do get pregnant now and its time for you to go on maternity leave then he will be the only bread winner in the family for while and maybe you might want to spend more time with the baby and want more time off. Try to see it his way as well. Good luck.
2006-11-07 06:51:54 · answer #1 · answered by BASHFUL 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you wait until you are PERFECTLY secure financially that will never happen. I'm sure when you get to where he wants to be then he will decide that is not enough either. You will never end up having kids.
Also, if possible you should have kids before you reach 30. At 30 your chances of having a baby with down syndrome go up a lot and then they go up even more when you reach 35.
Under 30 years - less than 1 in 1,000 chance
30 years - 1 in 900 chance
35 years - 1 in 350 chance
40 years - 1 in 100 chance
45 years - 1 in 25 chance
I would talk with him again. He shouldn't be holding you ransom. You need to work out a compromise. Maybe you can wait a year or two to start trying? The average time to conceive is 8 months plus the 9 months (10 months really) until the baby arrives. That's 15 months right there.
Good Luck! I hope you are able to reach a compromise.
2006-11-07 06:48:40 · answer #2 · answered by Sherry 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good Lord, if your not ready now you'll never be. Not saying you should have children immediately after getting married, but I would think you guys would have had it "planned" for the near future, you've got all the right things together. Married, long-term relationship together, good jobs, some savings, house....that's more than enough for a loving stable environment- kids change you priorities anyway and you just MAKE IT WORK when you have them. Did you discuss this prior to the wedding? Has his tune CHANGED recently? If you answered yes to those questions I'd try to get to the bottom of his change of heart in case there has been a misunderstanding or other issue. If not, let it wait long enough to establish your married life, then bring it up again.
2006-11-07 06:48:11 · answer #3 · answered by Erin C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would share your age concerns with your husband. A marriage is about communication. I can only tell you that if you wait until all the bills are paid or you both feel more financially secure you will be waiting all of your life. There is no words to describe how a child changes your life and all the money in the world would not replace it. I can say that I love my son so much that my climb up the corporate ladder seems stupid now and I would give it up in a heartbeat if my husband gave me the OK. Having a child does take away from your life together but only if you let it.
2006-11-07 06:44:17 · answer #4 · answered by mytessa77 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would wait a little bit. I'm not sure if either of you got your education in finances, but if not, perhaps the next time to bring it up would be to inform him that you're going to a financial planner to see how you can maximize your savings...for a child. Then out him in the car and go to the appointment!
This seems to be the best step to take first. Once this is completed, and your husband and you can mull over what you've learned, THEN you can start taking about baby planning again. This will show both of you that you're not only good problem solvers, but that you really are a team, and that you respect each other's hopes and fears.
2006-11-08 08:18:57 · answer #5 · answered by Emily O 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there really is nothing you can do unless he changes his mind,it wouldn't be fair for you to do something that he clearly feels he's not ready for you may feel ready but he doesn't and marriage is 50/50 what if it was the other way around and he was ready but you weren't you have to take his feeling into consideration maybe you two can come to a compromise that if you two are more financially secure in maybe 2 or 3 years to start trying then, instead of 5 I'd leave it alone for a little while and bring it up again later on to let him know it's still something you really want
2006-11-07 06:51:17 · answer #6 · answered by bellababi44 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should bring it up (and for that matter, any subject up) if you don't feel it was settled satisfactorily and you have new information to add or a different way to present your argument. Since this is a subject which concerns and affects both of you, then the final decision should be satisfactory to both of you. If it can't be settled now, then the two of you should plan a time in the near future to bring up the matter for further consideration. Since you say that the waiting time for what he wants would take about five years, then agreeing to wait six months to discuss it again should be a good compromise.
2006-11-07 06:46:00 · answer #7 · answered by marklemoore 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you kinda answered your own question. Unless you're planning on waiting the 5 years to talk about it, you'll have to bring it up again. Give him a couple of months to digest what you're asking of. Then bring it up. Maybe he didn't think it was on your mind so much. You never know, his entire tune might change. In the meantime, start trying to save a little more money. Good luck!
2006-11-07 06:49:40 · answer #8 · answered by sillylittlemen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you wait that long think of how old you will be when they are grown. Let's be realistic, you are way better off then any of us out here, and did it stop us? Hell no! I really don't like to be dishonest but it's not that hard to have a kid without the husband's OK. I would make sure the financial reason is the ONLY reason he is saying no though. It might be something else.
2006-11-07 07:05:57 · answer #9 · answered by purpledragonflyjrh 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Let him know that he will never feel finacally secure, we have no debt & my hubby still wanted to wait after talking he realized his financial goals were those of a 50 year old (you know retiremnt taken care of etc) SO we are now on our 3rd & things are the same as before raises come, rates go down. etc Just remember to think before you spend w/ babies(so easy to spoil) and you will be fine
2006-11-07 06:40:43 · answer #10 · answered by notAminiVANmama 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋