my boyfriends daughter is a constant trouble maker,she steals,lies,hits others etc...she is 11 is it to late?

Question

Theres alot going on with my bf daughter to much to explain it all here..he mother doesnt have alot to do with her,almost nothing at all...which is her main problem i think...but no matter what we do to disapline her it doesnt work..she still lies to us..steals..even from the stores..hits others when she doesnt like what there doing..she is starting to develope and i constanty have to remind her to wear a bra and put on deodorant..kids make fun of her at school i try to help her but its like she doesnt listen or want help..the older she gets the worse its going to be for her and us..i am just about at my whits end..when i first moved in with my bf i seriously thought long and hard about staying because of her behavior..its that bad..but i love him and its not his fault ,he honestly tries with her and she needs all the help she can get or im affraid i will cost her..weather its jail or pregnant when shes a teen or worse..HELP ME!!!

Answer 1

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to be more involved in his daughters life, and less time in a relationship. I know this is not your fault, men always feel like they need to be with someone, or need someone to take care of them. He needs to spend as much one on one time w/her as possible. She is begging for his attention.

If this was your boyfriend asking the question, I would tell him to keep her on a short leash (not literally). He should be her leader, telling her what she is to be doing, using that firm deep dad voice. He should set out rules of what he expects of her, write them down, make sure she understands them, then post them up on the wall where she can see them. When she breaks them he should send her to her room, come in with the rule list and make sure she understands which rule she broke. Next, he needs to have a consequence in place. These should be taking favorite possessions away (ipod, tv time), time on her bed, grounding, and for serious offences such as lying, steeling, cussing, hitting... a good old fashioned spanking. She is not near to old for a good spanking. Mind you I don't mean a few swats, I am talking about a spanking right out of the 50s pants/underwear down over the lap for a good long time. I have a 10 year old daughter who I would have no problem spanking if required. He should take back his daddy power now before (like you said) its to late. Once there in high school forget it, your not going to get much results spanking them at that age, nor would I even try.

For you I would step back from the situation, and the relationship. Unless he takes charge of her now, she will only get worse. And even if you two end up getting married, I don't think you should play a role with punishing her. Dad needs to be doing that.

Best of luck to you

Answer 2

First off - if it's not his fault, then who's fault is it? If he is the parent she lives with, it's all on him. You are being protective of him, as he is of her. It will continue to be a vicious circle, if you and he do not change it right now. It is not too late. Change is never easy. Breaking a set of habits is going to be difficult, but it can be done. First off, when she gets caught, what do you do? A lot of people do not want to hear about God, but He has a plan for everything, including child discipline. Did you know that? And He IS truth! What He says works! I've been there. You may have heard that the man that spares the rod hates his child. It is in the Bible. Proverbs 22:13 & 14 says 'Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.' If you look up the word rod in the concordance, it means a branch, or a switch, if you will. A little switch for a small child, and as the child grows, so should the switch. It will sting, but it won't hurt her. You use that switch when she misbehaves. If she steals, take her and make her give back that which she took. If she lies, you make her apologize for lying, and give her an extra lick or two for lying. If you will do this EVERY time, without fail, you WILL see a difference in time! Mine are 11 and 13. Believe me, they squabble a little back and forth between themselves, but they do not hit, or they GET switched. They do not lie,or they GET switched. They would not even DREAM of stealing, for the fear of getting a good switching AND being embarrassed by having to go give back what they took. Christian values make all the difference in the world, Miss. Too many folks don't want to hear it, and that's WHY our prisons are full. That's WHY there are so many delinquent kids running around doing whatever they want. Try it, and you will see! Or try it not, and it will continue to get worse. I will pray for you to have the strength to make things better. God bless.

Answer 3

Its never too late, but the older she gets, the tougher it will be on all three of you. She needs boundaries and she needs very strict discipline - starting NOW. Your boyfriend and you need to sit down with her and set down the rules and the punishment for disobeying each rule - this is not a discussion, she does not get a say in this one, the two of you are the parents. Be clear and direct, she needs to fully understand what behavior will not be tolerated and what the consequences of bad behavior will be. Then the two of you need to back up your words with action. She breaks a rule - she is punished exactly how you promised every time. There will be many times when you feel like a drill seargent and will feel bad about enforcing the rules. This is just part of parenting. You cannot back down. If you choose to ground her for a week each time she steels and she keeps doing it to the point where she ends up grounded for a solid 6 months, believe me, you will feel like a real jerk, but she will eventually get the message. Just remember that your punishment is not nearly as harsh as she will receive if the behavior is not stopped by the time she is an adult.
Before you have this sit-down with her though, you need to have a long talk with your boyfriend. You have chosen, with his consent, to be a parent to his child. The two of you need to be in total agreement on the rules and punishment. You also need to make sure that both of you always back the other up on your decisions or his daughter will end up playing one of you against the other. If you punish her when he is not around, he cannot step in later and change the punishment. This goes for you as well.
I wish you the best of luck. You both have your work cut out for you.

Answer 4

Since your punishments aren't working, come up with new ones. Take away everything she loves... TV, phone, games. Ground her, don't let her out of the house. Force her to take some sort of out-of-school activity like dance, art, music, sports, anything that will help her make friends and learn the importance of being a responsible, contributing member of society. When all else fails, a little spanking can often do the trick.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to say, that it is you that is the problem. Have you ever seen Dr. Phil? The daughter is a perfect angel with Daddy around and once the step mom comes around the child becomes a devil. You come in her terriority and everything is messed up. Try to become her friend, instead of taking up her time with her daddy. My niece is 4 and she has to deal with my sister having a boyfriend and she doesn't like it at all, because all of her time is with the boyfriend. If you are trying to get in a serious relationship the children come involved, they are his, he will choose the children over you. My little sister Hannah deals with this and to help her, I play with her and have a great time even though I am married and have two children that take my time up, I always make time for her.

Answer 6

You and your boyfriend have to be united in this. Lay down the law with the kid, get her to understand that unless she shapes up and goes by the rules, she will have to face the consequences. Ground her, remove privileges, or use some other form of discipline that she will understand.
If you can, take her to visit a local police station and/or jail and explain that she could end up in there if she continues to misbehave.

Answer 7

Yes, it's tough on kids when the parent(s) practically abandon them. She appears to be lashing out because of it. It puts you in a tough spot, too, because you aren't her mother.
Kids want attention! You have to love them! even if you want to wring their neck.
It's not all her fault for this behavior. Recognize good behavior and reward her in ways other than monetary. She will soon begin to realize her actions have consequences.
Be consistent with discipline. Both adults need to be on the same page with this. She needs to be accountable for her actions.
Believe me, it is tough but laugh and love. And give her hugs.

Answer 8

do you have mentors in your area? sometime they seem to help and the groups will match someone up who can handle whats going on with her sounds like she has alot of pent up anger and needs a third party to talk to try this . also have you spent time alone with her? i have 2 step daughters and there mother is a real piece of work all they need is someone to love them and try to understand where she is coming from.i know it can be frustrating but her dad is all she has so you either have to deal with this now or pack your stuff and walk away

Answer 9

The daughter is looking for attention and needs counseling before she goes off the deep end. If you really love this man and want to stay, get him into counseling.

Answer 10

FIRST OF ALL WHO IS WE DISCIPLINE? YOU ARE NOT TO DISCIPLINE THAT CHILD SHE IS NOT YOURS. THAT IS SOMETHING YOU NEED TO GET IN YOUR HEAD.NEXT OF ALL THE CHILD MUST BE WONDERING WHY MOM WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER DAD,THAT A SHACK UP HORE LIKE YOU IS WITH HER FATHER! AND WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING IS PACKING UP YOUR BAGS AND MOVING THE HELL OUT. DAD AND DAUGHTER HAVE ALOT TO DEAL WITH.DON'T MAKE THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE,GET OUT AND LET THEM SORT OUT THEIR PROBLEMS. OH AND DON'T EVER TRY TO DISCIPLINE SOMEONE ELSE IS CHILD....