How do you discipline your children when the basics don't work and you don't want to spank?

Question

you have tried time out, punishment, taking things away, no t.v, and extra chores

Answer 1

I am so glad you don’t believe in spanking! It’s amazing how many parents here suggest spanking. I have worked in a preschool for over 12 years and, of course, cannot spank or I would be out of a job. Spanking is a form of punishment, not a form of discipline. Parents need to discipline their children. Not hurt them for them to comply. Spanking a child only teaches that you are more powerful than them and that you hurt others so that they will comply with your wishes. Children who are spanked are fearful of their parents and will only comply in order not to get spanked, not because they have learned self-control. 90% of American parents spank! I would bet money that a majority of these parents have not taken any parenting classes, have not read any parenting books, and have not spoken to educators about disciplining.

Over the years I have had to come up with alternative techniques to disciplining children and they work! Using natural and logical consequences whenever possible work best. Taking away a toy or privileges when a child misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he or she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If a child makes a mess, they clean it. If they break something, it goes in the trash and no one can use it. If they can’t sit politely with the class, they get placed away from the group until they are ready to sit politely. The discipline always fits the crime.

Another technique I use when a child is misbehaving is this. As soon as they misbehave, I get down to their level and say "I don't like when you (I explain what and why)." I take them gently by the hand and put them in a spot away from the other children and say "When you're ready to (control yourself, listen, behave) then you can come back with us." This is not a time out because I do not set a time limit (me controlling the child). The child returns when he or she is ready to control themselves.

I notice children when they are not misbehaving. I say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You can run super fast! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders, great ways to show positive attention, and help children to feel powerful in a positive way.

I always set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. I’ll say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time I say it. I say "Yes" as much as possible. I am patient and consistent. All this without spanking!

Answer 2

I don't think spanking works. It might scare a kid into not doing something, but how long would that realistically last? Hitting a child, to me, just says that a parent is too lazy to think of another, smarter way to discipline. It doesn't show any use of the brain we've been given. I absolutely do not believe the saying "spare the rod, spoil the child." I think that as a child grows older who's been spanked, they may lose respect for the parent who does it. And in some cases, spanking when angry can just lead to abuse. There's a fine line that one can cross, and it'd be easier to cross in the midst of anger. I believe you're on the right track. My parents raised me w/out spanking me and that was rare for the 1950s/60s. Not sure about the push-ups, but maybe it's worth a try. I think taking away privileges is a good method as the child gets older.

Answer 3

Check out this site.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp

Without spanking, what can a parent do to help children develop positive behavior? There are several important steps you can take to provide the firm guidance and discipline all children need.

*Tell the child in clear and simple language what is OK and what is not OK. It is important that expectations are consistent from one day to the next and that the various adults who care for a child agree on what the rules and expectations will be.

*Teach the child WHY a behavior is not acceptable. (For very young children, reasons will need to be very simple, e.g., "The stove is hot," or "That hurts the kitty," or "That will break.")

*Especially in a dangerous situation (e.g., a child dashing into the street), firmly move the child to safety and use your tone of voice to let the child know how serious the situation is. Assuming that a parent normally speaks in an ordinary tone of voice, rather than yelling and nagging, a raised voice and frown will catch the child's attention. A swat on the bottom adds nothing to the message.

*When a child breaks a known rule, swiftly impose a consequence. Depending on the age of the child, appropriate consequences might include a timeout (sitting on a chair for a brief time) or loss of a privilege. If too much time lapses between the mistaken behavior and the consequence, the child will miss the message you're trying to teach.

*Finally, and probably most important of all, CATCH THE CHILD BEING GOOD! The most effective child-rearing practice of all is letting children know when they're doing what's right.

Hope that helps.

Answer 4

I don't spank but I am consistent. No matter what I always give a limit. then I always follow through with the consequences. Sometimes it is easier to make her understand when I get down on her level and explain that what she did is wrong and why she is being punished. (sometimes the lecture is worse than the punishment) But I always go though with what I say I will do if she does not listen. And I try to ask her to do things instead of telling her that way when she does not do what I ask she understands that it was her choice to get in trouble. I also make sure she understands that games and other activities are not a right they are a privilege. She is more able to respond when she is limited to what she can and can not do.
I don't really know what type of problems you are having but I hope I could help.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to say it but sometimes if you have tried everything else a spank on the hand or on the butt will make a big enough statement that they will see you are serious in what you say... If my son has done something he knows he is not allowed to do I make him hold his hand out and he gets one good smack I ask him to sit on his bed for a few minutes he cries and then I sit down and talk with him about listening and knowing right from wrong and that I don't like to hit his hand but he needs to know.. then I love you very much...

Answer 6

I make mine do "IT". I have them do sit ups, push ups, wall sits and things like that. It works rather well. I hate spanking, it makes me feel like the bad one. The kids dr loves me for keeping them active...and I have the only 4 yr old in his class that can do a proper push up :)

Answer 7

what really works is if you are calm most of the time, you praise all the good things that they do, even if its small, you are a nice parent. then, if they do something really bad, you go mental at them, shout at them, then tell them to go to their room. they will soon work out that they dont like the shouty side of you, they like the nice side of you. if you punish them all the time it wont do anything, even if you do spank them!

Answer 8

How old are your children? My son is almost 17 months and I only had to spank him a few times. Now when I use a firm voice with him he does what I say; he knows to do what I tell him or he'll get a spanking. It works if you don't over use it. Now I don't have to use it.

Answer 9

Spanking isn't something anyone should 'want' to do but it is a necessary last resort sometimes.

For example, if you tell them not to run off when you go shopping in a big store and they do, then you tell them again and they do again. Do you spank or let them maybe get kidnapped by a child molestor?

Which is kinder?

Solution number 2: Force them to eat liver, yuk!!!!!!

Answer 10

you have to be consistent with all of the things you mentioned above. consistency is what makes them work.

when all else fails, depending on what my child did, i will definitely spank the **** out of him. note that i wouldn't do it over spilled milk or juice, but something more serious. kids will be kids, let them spill all they want, just teach them to clean it up. but when they are disrespectful, then it's on - they're getting spanked!