I feel like I am going crazy, need relationship advice?

Question

I am 28 Married Female who has been involved in an affair for the last year with an older man (54). This man is often referred to as a "Saint" as he is very active in the local community, and at my Temple. I met him at Temple, and worked with him on a committee, and that is how our relationship started.
Our relationship was made public when we were seen in public together, this man claimed that he was helping me, and I acknowledged our relationship. The Saint was believed and now many people think I am a stalker or a whore. My husband knows about the relationship and for money reasons, the 2 of us cannot divorce at this time.
I have been thinking about packing it all up and moving 1000 miles away so I could start over and get my life back. I just think that everyone around me would be better off without me, and I would be better off in an area where people don't know my history where I can start over. I feel all alone and crazy. I have no family or friends for advice.

Answer 1

Everyone makes mistakes. We weren't put here to be perfect. The important part is that you learn from it. You could move far away and start over, but you can't move away from yourself. People in your community will most likely get over it. Is there any hope of reconciliation with your husband? Do you want reconciliation with your husband? It can't hurt, when things settle a bit, to talk to him. It's also really important to make friends in your community. No one likes to go through these things alone. Any chance you can get advice or counseling through the church? Things will be raw for a while, but it will get better whether you move or not. Hang in there.

Answer 2

Don't run away. You made this music and now you will have to face it, but soon someone else in the community will do something new and everyone will be focused on them and forget about you. I don't really understand why they think you are a stalker? Have you been pursuing him after the two of you were found out? And I'm wondering why they think that you are a stalker and whore if they don't even believe anything happened. If you want them to all suddenly realize that this person whom they think so much of is actually a lying, cheating, jerk then you are probably going to have to bring out some proof. Do you have any? But really, who cares what "some people" are thinking of you anyway? I'm sure they all have done things that are not so proud of. You should be more concerned what your husband thinks and if he is willing to forgive you then maybe the two of you can rebuild your marriage. Maybe you could use this time of not being able to afford to split up to try and work it out and see if your family can be salvaged.

Answer 3

I'm sorry about this situation you've found yourself... It stinks. First things first: Are you truly done with the 'Saint'? Is your relationship completely over? If yes, then lets move on to your husband... Are you guys contemplating working through this? Counseling, Therapy, Time trial separation? If yes to both those questions, then just try to pick up the pieces of your life the best you can. Apologize frequently and profusely to your husband as many times as he needs to hear it. It'll be a really tough process... really, really tough. He'll probably ask questions that not only won't make any sense to you, but will make you VERY uncomfortable. It's normal and part of the healing process. He'll ask very detailed intimate questions about the affair many times and in many different ways... just be contrite, keep answering, and keep apologizing. Eventually, they'll stop.

If you and your husband have NO plans for a reconciliation, then maybe moving just might be the best thing for you. You don't have to do anything as drastic as moving 1000 miles away though... next town, next city. It might not seem like an effective way to start anew, but it is. People will ALWAYS gossip, and when they don't see you every single day, they'll find someone new to gossip about. I'd still suggest trying to make peace with your husband first though... apologize to him, you know?

Now, if you're not done with the Saint... I guess I'll have to ask "why not?". I don't know you, your town, or your situation, but I can tell you that nothing good can/will come of staying with the 'Saint'. 'IF' he meant for you guys to get serious about each other, he would not have denied the relationship. Maybe he panicked? Maybe he was nervous? Well, we'll give him the benefit of doubt. If he gives you an excuse/reason for denying you like that, then ask him to make it up. Tell him you've lost your family, your stability, and your peace of mind... Not only that, but you've been labeled and tagged... so, to fix things, he'd have to fess up about you guys, and let everyone know just how serious you guys are... It's the least he could do; Bear the brunt of the shame/resentment/anger with you...

Anyway, I've gone on forever here. I hope all works well for you. Take care, good luck... (You can email me if you need to talk)

Answer 4

Okay, this is my opinion of what you should do.

- End the affair, typically relationships started in deception end the same way
- Change temples
- Either go into marriage counseling to try to save your marriage OR mediate your living arrangements and make a plan for where your inevitable divorce will take place, make a list of goals and work together to acheive them

Probably a lot of your stress will be alleviated by changing Temples, you won't be seeing all of those people every week like you do now. Besides now that you know how judgmental the congregation is, do you really want to stay anyway?

Answer 5

You two have set yourselves up for this with having an affair. Unfortunately, you are now finding out this "saint" is really a jerk. I suggest you get your act together and start living a better life. Dump this old fart and learn a lesson here.

You reap what you sow. Live an honest life, you won't have these problems. I suggest you seek out some counseling. I feel it will help you sort out these issues of adultry, betrayal, divorce, self loathing, etc.

Answer 6

To be honest you should have never started dating him in the first place because of the age difference. but you need to leave him. He is not living for God. As Christians we should try to repair relationships, but there comes a time where you have to worry about your own safety. living in fear and terror is not going to make you a better Christian. I'm sure there will be some atheist who will answer that Christianity is a death cult, and all Christian men are like this. but that's not true. there are great Christians, (who are your age) who will treat you well and live a life for God. But you need to leave this scumbag immediately

Answer 7

It shows first you have to control your mind for that you have
to do yoga with deep meditation,automatic your problem will
get over.The sin has been performed and you have been blamed for that the person who has shared with you is equally to be blamed but he enjoys the status being saint.The reason being
your involvement is you never loved your own person,and never
give importance to money ever in relationship try to resolve and
satisfy between yourself and make the relationship stronger and
keep you own world happy.
For all above these things you have to control your mental sate of mind donot fantacised.All the best if you are looking your own world.

Answer 8

You never should have started the relationship in the first place, you were married!! That's where the problem lies. If you were not happy in your marriage, you at least should have gotten a seperation and then started the relationship. Maybe he wasn't as saintly as you say, he was involved with a married woman. Think about it!!

Answer 9

Forgive yourself first. think about your true spiritual path in life and take steps to clean up the mess. Everyone makes mistakes. The truer you are to yourself, the better off you, and everyone else will be. Be kind to yourself.

Answer 10

if you have skills that can feed you that might not be a bad idea. If not, stick it out in place and do the best you can.