I'm hurting for her (sorry, loooong)?

Question

Hi There,
I wrote this yesterday ( I JUST found this site):
Please help me. I’m a woman and my girlfriend and I have been together for over 10 years, with the last 2 living apart. The last 2 years have been difficult and heart wrenching for us. She has come to conclusions this last year and wants us to be together and marry. Over the summer, I realized that I’m no longer in love with her the same way I was. She’s my best friend & family and neither one of us have really any family due to tragic situations. She’s devastated and I’m having a hard time being strong. She called off work and isn’t doing well. I feel horrible. I know she deserves to be loved the way she loves. She’s wonderful and all we know is each other. She’s not strong and I don’t know what to do. I’ve already called her twice and I’m worried. Sorry I’m all over the place, but I’m so distraught. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.
Well, it's the next day and I can't take how much she's hurting. I feel since I'm the only person in her life (outside of more casual friends), that she needs me and I can't stand not calling her and making sure she's okay.
I know it makes no sense, since I'm the one breaking up, but I care so deeply for her. We've become family through all of our history, when it was just the 2 of us. But after our initial break-up 2 years ago and living separately since, we've just been so depressed and in such bad places, that we've changed and I no longer want to be in this as a relationship. I've stayed with the good and the bad, but she’s so needy and wants all of me to herself and her happiness is dependant on me, and I can’t take the pressure any more. I’ve taken it for years, but it breaks my heart to see her so upset and know that I’m causing it. If I'm still not sure after almost 11 years that I want to spend the rest of my life w/her, then I think there's a huge problem, and maybe because we've been through so much and resentment towards each other (we feel that we were both valid in our feelings) in the past. Sorry for the rambling, but I don’t know the right thing to do now and I’m scared for her and not to have her in my life. Thanks for taking the time. Even if I get no response, it helped to write some of this out.

Answer 1

This is tough because it sounds like part of you wants to be done with the relationship and the other part of you still wants the relationship. My only advice to you is to do what makes you happy. You can not live the rest of your life unhappy just to make her happy. You can't go through life not wanting, getting, or needing what is best for you because you feel sorry for someone. I understand you caring for her and you are a good person for wanting to be there for her, but on the other hand, you need to realize that the time spent apart has allowed you to grow and she is not what you want for the rest of your life. We all have had tragedy in our life at some point, but you can't forget your feelings just to make her life better. I wish you well because you sound like you have a heart of gold........good luck to you and just remember, you can still be there for her as a friend without being her lifelong partner.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry that you two are going through this. However, you will need to think of your feelings in the end. It is unfair of anyone to ask you to be in a situation that you do not want. If you can't be "just friends," then perhaps you should consider severing contact. Nobody will get past this if there is still communication. You say she's very needy, but it sounds to me like she's more manipulative than needy. You are feeling very guilty about thinking about yourself, and that is what the manipulative person wants. They will use your guilt to get what they want. I understand that this decision is very hard because of the substantial history between you. If you are sincerely concerned about her well-being, get her into some kind of depression counseling, maybe some for yourself. It sounds like both of you have had some trying and difficult times. Please don't continue down the same road because this will not fix itself. I'm just a concerned person, a professional can help so much more. I wish you both the best.

Answer 3

Codependent relationships are not healthy, as you can understand if you re-read what you just wrote.

Weak Boundaries are the cause of ALL codependent relationships. We are never in control over someone elses happiness. NEVER.

Her unhappiness is NOT your problem even though it may feel like it right now. The best thing you can do is learn how to patch up you own holes by getting your needs met and facing your fears. She must do the same, but that's up to her to figure out.

I know it may sound harsh, but you must realize that you've made a decision not to be with this person because you've recognized you are the stronger of the two. She's co-dependent on YOU and the best thing you can do for HER is close the door. She must learn how to deal with her own life, as you must learn to deal with yours.

Read about boudaries you'll understand how it affects relationships and try not to be so hard on yourself. You must do what best for YOU NOT HER. There's no shame in it. It's not being selfihs, in order to LOVE you must learn how to deal with your own life.

Answer 4

I guess I'm in the position of your girlfriend. My boyfriend broke-up with my 8 months and it's been like hell for me. He just started calling me after 7 months to see how I'm doing. I love it when he calls, but at the same time I get hurt. With him calling me, it's just hurting me. I've known he's been in a relationship for the past 8 months with an older lady. I feel so depressed and alone. I depended alot on him, maybe it was too much pressure for him. All I can tell you is, try to be there for her, but don't give her false hopes. That's what they did to me and now that's I'm excited that he calls me, the calls have stopped. If you truly care as a friend, don't show loving emotions. Be there as a friend with caring emotions. I hope that makes sense.

Answer 5

You are making the right move, it may not feel like it now but what you are doing is best for both of you. You see it would be unfair to her if you were not true to your feeliings, by knowing what you want and it is not a relationship with her you are being honest with yourself and with her. Being with her just so you do not dissapoint her would be living a lie. you have to make her realise that the two of you are just in different places now and even though you care deeply for her it is not in the way that it should be to be in a relationship with her. I hope this helps you, good luck, stay strong and stay true to your heart!

Answer 6

If you lost trust, what are you still doing with him? Im sorry but a relationship without trust is pointless. I went through the same thing with my ex, people telling me stuff left right and centre. We broke up cause "i didnt trust him". After we broke up i found out none of it was true. You have to make a decision either trust him or listen to everyone else. Your call, at the end of the day the stuff thats being said might be true but if you cant trust him without having evidence, let it go find someone else and be happy x

Answer 7

In my opinion breaking up with her was the right thing to do. I understand that you love her but you aren't in love with her anymore and you holding her back from finding someone who would be able to love her wouldn't of been fair to either one of you. I understand you love her and are worried but at the same time you need to give her some space. I hope this helps you good luck!!!

Answer 8

This is tough. Please understand that you have to take care of you first! You are so heartbroken while with her. Have you ever thought that you are enabling her behaviors. Is clearly not good for her or you. Think of it this way. You are hindering her life and yours as well. Out of respect for her and yourself let her go. Have no contact. I know is hard to hear but you so needed to hear it. Everyone deserves to be happy. Allow that for the both of you. You have to be the strong one. Disassociate now. Good luck.

Answer 9

breaking up ios hard, and threre is no reason that you should not reamin friends. My sister had a really bad breakup with her boyfriend, and it was tough on them both, but now they are really close as friends, like brother and sister. You have a right to end the realtionship, and it's right to feel bad, but don't force yourself to do sothing you don't feel is right only to prevent from hurting another.

Answer 10

how do you know that you truely aren't in love with her anymore? are you feeling guilty because you do still want to be with her? breakups are hard and they really suck but if you feel the way you say do then i would say that you are probabley still in love and want to be with her. there is one guy in my life who i dated on and off for almost 16 years before we realized that we were meant to be maybe you should try to work it out.