We've been together for sometime now and his paranoia is a joke, i feel like a prisoner in my own home. His mate has lost his job so is about while my partner is at work, i need to be able to justify my every move, it's tearing me apart and putting a big strain on our relationship. He knows he has paranoia but when it kicks in it takes over, i am and always have been a monogamist, he did find an ex in bed with his mate - should i be paying for her infidelity. Any suggestions much appreciated, i can't mentally take much more at the end of the day it's mental abuse
2006-11-07 01:18:11 · 11 answers · asked by kd61270 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
There are few things which attract attention here.
1. You feel like a prisoner in your own home.
2. You don't say how well he gets on with his mate.
3. You don't say how his mate behaves - nowadays.
4. Is your partner drinking (too much)?
5. Do you have children at home?
Taking it from the top....
1. It's essential that you are able to enjoy your home freely. This feeling of being a prisoner is one of the worst aspects of the problem. Start off by making the house your home. Do it with his involvement (so that he doesn't get paranoid) and make it something that he would not care about particularly. Eg. Put flowers around that *you* like. If he refuses, then you can easily see that he's being totally unreasonable.
2. If he's caught his mate in bed with an ex (was she an ex at the time?) then this is quite likely to cause him to have feelings of self doubt which leads to paranoia. Maybe he resents his mate living with you both.
3.Get his mate to get a job. Then he's out of the house and so too some of the paranoia will leave.
4. Drink and paranoia do not mix well.
5. As you're staying home, is that because you're looking after children? If children are keeping you at home, could that be adding to the sense of being imprisoned?
Re. Justifying every move - that's cuased partialy by his paranoia - but worryingly - it's possessive behaviour on his part.
You say that he knows that he's paranoid.... Maybe it's time to try a bit of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with him. Ask him to explain what evidence he has to support each paranoid belief. Then follow that up with asking him to say what evidence he has to REFUTE his (incorrect) paranoid beliefs. The idea here is to get him to realise (with his own thoughts) that these dysfunctional beliefs are of his own making and that he has the power to determine that they are incorrect beliefs. He should find pretty quickly that there is no real basis for his paranoid beliefs and that if anything, there is more evidence pointing to the fact that his beliefs are incorrect.
Regarding Possessive behaviour. This is the thing that is probably putting the most strain on you. You feel that you are unable to choose for yourself - and that only his choices matter. Ouch!!!
His possessiveness is born (probably) out of a fear that if he lets go of you for one second (metaphorically), that you'll run. In the past he lost somebody and (let's assume that he loves you dearly) he is scared witless that it's going to happen again. If it's true, tell him that you want to stay with him but keeping you in a golden cage will not make you happy and that's the path to the end. Tell him, also, that *if* he treats you like a person who can live with him but not in his pocket - then you'll feel free as a bird to enjoy life with him. At the moment you're shackled to him - and that's no life.
Hope this helps. You sound as if you want to make it work - but he's just too mixed up - maybe he needs a bit of gentle guidance.
If he doesn't want to let you be free....... plan your departure carefully. I dare say he won't take kindly to it.
2006-11-07 02:37:19 · answer #1 · answered by skiparoouk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Walking away seems like the best option right now. Unless he's willing to admit to himself that he has a problem and should deal with then I suggest you walk. This kind of paranoia can lead to being an obsession and eventually he might do you harm. Its not healthy for you. His paranoia right now is control over you. You need to decide for yourself what you want to do, live your life according to your rules or according to someone else's.
2006-11-07 01:25:21 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't let his so called mate in the house unless he is there, that way he cant accuse u of anything. Secondly he needs help with his paranoia because it's not your fault he feels the way he does. You could always give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't get it sorted you're walking.
2006-11-07 01:21:35 · answer #3 · answered by Scatty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him and are prepared to stick by him, get him help... read up with him about paranoia on the internet. do it together so he doesnt feel like he's alone... Go with him to counceling (sorry, cant spell lol)
If you do love him and want to be with him, tell him you love him every day, cuddle him, make him feel special, hold his hand while your watching tv, let him lie in your arms.... hope this helps...
2006-11-07 01:27:48 · answer #4 · answered by me_me 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can stop the insanity at any time for yourself - leave.
Tell him that if he doesn't seek out and get help, that you will leave him; mean it and follow through if he doesn't make an effort to take responibility. After that, you'll have no one to blame but yourself if you stay and deal with his weakness.
2006-11-07 01:22:42 · answer #5 · answered by drumrb0y 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
having someone distrust you so much can really hurt, especially when you know you incapable of abusing their trust.
i have come to see that usually when someone doesnt trust you, it is usually because they dont trust themselves. people usualyy see things from their own perspective, which is informed by how they think and feel.
he may not trust you, but does he trust himself? you would be surprised to find otu that he is being unfiathful to you and his distrust of you is a way for him to justify his actions to himself.
I know this cos i was like that. I thank God He gave me an answer to it all, and now i can trust completely.
2006-11-07 01:54:34 · answer #6 · answered by trusted27 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was the same with my first wife i don't know why at all but it cost me my marriage..maybe his mate winds him up about you or maybe its just an insecurity from his past like he could have had somebody who he loved left him.
2006-11-07 07:44:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i suggest a counselor,also perhaps chemicals are out of whack and medication is necesary.there is a reason 30% of adults in america are medicated
2006-11-07 01:22:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get him to lay off the marching dust.
2006-11-07 01:47:14 · answer #9 · answered by madnesscon 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he sounds mentally unstable. get him help or get away from him
2006-11-07 01:20:13 · answer #10 · answered by Jennifer L 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋