Help! If i tell her i could be ruining her life, tho i know that id want to know if it were me?

Question

Ok so ive been with my husband for 5 years(we got married 2 years ago) my best friend also got together with my husbands best friend at the same time and there still together now. Weve both had our first child at the same time and everything has been excellent. Then... a month ago my husband came home from a club and let slip that his friend (my best friends fiance) had kissed someone.
When he sobered up he kept tight lipped so i didnt say anything and let it go tho i felt really guilty. Then last week again he came home and told me his friend had gone home with someone! I questioned him there and then and he just poured out with all this info on how hes been cheating since day one! All through her pregnancy and everything!

I think its got to me even more because i can imagine being in her position as we were pregnant at the same time.
What do i do? Its easy to say tell her, but unlike me she isnt from a good family and she couldnt just go and live with her parents. Help!

My god im even more confused now! My husbands had a huge row with him and doesnt see him anymore now so maybe ill just avoid them for a while, believe it or not, he is actually a nice guy sober he just gets so drunk he doesnt know what hes doing. The other weekend he got home at 5 and she believes he was round his friends playing on his computer! I cant help but think she must know. I just wish i knew this was going on before she got pregnant...i would have told her then without a doubt.

Answer 1

Is there anyway of having your hubby go to the club they were at and maybe sneaking around and taking a picture of the guy when he is loving around on another gal? Or could you do it?
If you could get a picture, then I would take it somewhere and enlarge it to an 8x10 or so and put it in a manila envelope and mail it anonymously to his wife. Then, wait and see if she comes to you about it and asks for your help. Then, you can help her decide what she is going to do. Could she stay with you for awhile until she can get on her feet?
It would really be hard for you to just come out and tell her and she might resent you for it, but she does need to know. If you don't want to do the photo thing, you might consider sending her an anonymous note through the mail telling her that her hubby is messing around on her and she might be able to catch him if she follows him some night when he goes to the club.
Good Luck.

Answer 2

This is a really difficult situation. A couple of years ago I was in the situation that your friends is in. I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and he was cheating on me all the way through our relationship. I know people will tell you to mind your own business, but based on my experience I would want to know. Unfortunately at the time, nobody felt the need to tell me that this was what was happening behind my back, and when I did eventually find out (from my sister who caught him at it) I was devastated. But I was even more upset that no-one had told me. I felt like a complete fool. It is obvious that your friends husband doesn't really love your friend if he can do this to her, and in your heart do you feel that she deserves someone better that will love her 100% and treat her with respect? As soon as I found out my boyfriend was cheating I dumped him. The pain initially is bad but its nothing compared to a lifetime of pain putting up with his cheating. I now have a fab fiance and am getting married in August. Do your friend a favour and tell her, give her the opportunity for a happy life with a man that loves her completely. Good luck x

Answer 3

I think you should try and speak to the husband first. Sounds like he can't hold his drink and loses his morals when he does (although that's a pretty lame excuse, but anyway) Tell him you know about everything, ask him if he loves her. If he really does, maybe try to help him figure why he's being unfaithful and tell him if you hear anything again you'll be duty bound to tell your friend. But if he's not in love with her, he needs to end it rather than live a lie which, as you know, is much worse. I don't condone him being unfaithful but there may be some reason he's being like this and as a good friend you could maybe help him. If you're friend finds out you knew, explain it wasn't your place to tell her but that you did try to help him. It's a tough one, though. Otherwise I think you have the right idea - stay out of it and plead ignorance if she finds out.

Answer 4

I've seen this happen many many times before and your in a bad situation.
In almost every case i know of where a friend has told the wife what's happening, they couple have got back together and the friend got the push.

Maybe there's no logic in that but the husband sees you as a threat as you might be telling his wife to get rid and the wife remembers you as the one who gave her such devastating news.

You MUST say nothing to her, or you'll lose her friendship, crazy but it usually ends that way.

The only thing you could possibly do is put the frightners on him, tell him you know and will tell her if a single thing happens again.
It will get your hubby into a bit of trouble for telling you so it's your call if you do.

Get yourself away for a week with your husband and get someone else to tell her is the only other way, deny all knowledge when she phones you but could you keep it up?

Very difficult but if you tell her it will be you that loses in the end.

Answer 5

I think that it is your husband duty to have a word with his best friend and find out exactly what the score is between him and his partner. You are not privey to such information so you do not know what has been happening between them. So before you even contemplate saying anything, wait and see what your husband has to say about his best friend's relationship.

Then weigh up the pros and cons of telling her, depending on what has been said. At the end of the day..she will find out for herself if this guy is being s complete rotter to her.

However, there comes a point in a situation like this where you have to cruel to be kind.....but like I said wait and see. Though you will know within your heart when that time has come.

I would not like to be in your position....so all the best to you.

Answer 6

Give the fiance a week to tell your friend and get tested for STDs. If he doesn't tell her then I think she has a right to know especially as she could be in danger of infection. It's not just her relationship it's her health and the wellbeing of the child that are important here. She may get angry and annoyed at you but she will realise you have done the best thing and you will have to support her through this.

Good luck with this one!

Answer 7

Oh Li, this is going to be so hard on you, because you really must not tell her. Not yet, anyway.

She will find out eventually, and then she might initially be hostile to you when she finds out you knew and didn't tell, but that won't last long, and then she will really need your friendship like never before.

I know this may sounds strange, but on some level, she probably already knows. She may not be admitting it to herself yet, but he will inevitably have left small clues, and she is probably choosing to ignore them. She's doing this for the sake of her marriage and her child, hoping perhaps that he might stop. (fat chance, by the way)

Talk it over with your husband, sounds like he feels guilty by association - your friend's husband has put him in a very unfair position if you think about it - taking it for granted that he would not tell you. Seems he's happy to jeopardise other people's marriages as well as his own.

Decide with your husband how you want to resolve it - perhaps speak to your friends husband and ask him not to involve either of you in his deceptions. Whatever, make sure your own marriage is strong. Remain aware of your friends feelings and be ready when she needs you.

But please don't tell her yourself. Just don't. With one exception. If she finds evidence and asks you outright. Choose your words carefully, but don't lie.

I'm sorry you've been caught like this, darling, it's a horrible situation and you have my sympathy

Answer 8

Threaten her fiance - tell him that you know everything and that it has to STOP or you will let her know whats happening. Also make him get tested for STD's as he could've picked up anything and needs to know. Telling her yourself might only wreck your relationship with her - what if she refuses to believe you? Unless you have evidencen then she could easliy freeze you out. Whichever way, don't feel guilty, its not your fault, just be the best friend you can be for her - she's going to need you whatever the outcome. Good luck.

Answer 9

I'd tell her, because when it does come out-and it will, she'll find out you knew, and that would be so much worse, i couldn't forgive a friend who never told me something like that.At least if you tell her, she'll know the truth, even if she doesn't want to hear it at first, in time she will be glad you let her know, and you can also support her with finding a new home.At least she'll have you to trust, if she has no family,and she'll know you would tell her anything.Secrets really don't work, and it never turns out for the best.

Answer 10

Whether or not you lose her as a friend, telling her is the right thing to do. If she's gonna be shallow enough to stop being your friend because you were trying to help her out, then screw her - you don't need friends like that anyway.
Don't make her look like the idiot here. She's your friend. It's your duty to at least try to help a girl out. If she doesn't want to hear it or if she ends up back with this dude, that's her fault - you tried.
I'm just saying...