Why are relationships so freaking hard?

Question

I am in my second marriage. It has been almost three years now that we have been together. I dont want to get divorced again. But we just dont work well together. I hate who I am in this relationship. I know it is not who I want to be. He says he feels dragged down... So do I. How long can the bad times last!!! I just need to vent. He is not home tonight and I cant sleep. I dont think I understand "LOVE" at all. The dynamics of two adults in a relationship in a marriage should have an unconditional love, right? Like the love I have for my children. But children are so innocent, they dont make decisions that effect you in such a way like an adult does. I get really frustrated when events occur over and over that are not respectful of our family. Sometimes I dont even like him! Of course I wont say that to his face and I hope he never reads this. I need a breath of fresh air!!

Answer 1

You sound very frustrated! It also sounds like there are certain things he is doing that you are not happy with. Have you tried talking to him about them?

I bet he wants to sort out your marriage just as much as you do. Communciation is the main problem in most marriages that are having trouble. It really takes work to keep your marriage on track.

I believe counselling is a very good option. Going together means you are both doing something positive about your relationship. You are making an effort. It is no good just ending a marriage without trying counselling first (preferably before it is too late).

Also sometimes it can be a really good idea to switch your way of thinking about your relationship. Instead of looking at what you getting (or not getting) out of your relationship - try making a decision that you can't change him but you can change yourself. So start thinking "What can I do to improve this relationship" and "What can i do to be a better wife?"

When you start making actions on some of your ideas - then you are showing him who you were when you first met. You are wiping the slate clean and just doing the best you can. You will be surprised by his response. He will notice and like the efforts you have made and he hopefully will start responding to the marriage in a different way as well.

It often takes the female to make the first steps towards positive changearound. When we dont look at it like "i am right and he is wrong" but rather "i am going to put the past behind me - both of us are at fault in different ways and I am certainly not perfect and neither is he" - Can you see what a difference that makes.

There is hope. Your choices from now on will affect the outcome. Can you see that you have more power in this than what you thought you had?

If you are having difficulty - make a list of what you like about your husband. Or what you loved about him when you married him. There must be qualities about him that you like. Concentrate on those to start with. Then ask yourself what you can do to make things better.

I wish you the very best of luck.
I pray that your marriage works and that through working out these difficulties that it only gets stronger and better.

It can be done! Believe me. I've been there too!

Answer 2

Well I guess all I can say is that no two people are identical. People say that they have found their "Soul Mate" sometimes but I don't believe it. I think a relationship is something that need an unbelievable amout of work. When decisions are made that you don't agree with remember one thing. Does it really matter or are you making a mountain out of a mole hill? If it does really matter then a conversation needs to take place between you and him. No name calling! Just honest feeling about the situation and give him time to reply. If you raise your voice in anyway then you blew it because he will then get defensive. Once that happens then it is over. You will have to try again another day. There are always going to be bad times but with him you should be able to get through them as a 'TEAM"! Only you know if you love him and if you do then understand that just because you don't agree with some of his decisions that it doesn't mean there wrong. Hopefully you understand what I mean. Over 80% of divorces happen between to people that don't want to put forth the effort to make it work and later they find out the effort would've been easier back then. Now it's alot harder. Now a days divorces are to easy. No work involved. If someone doesn't like something they just say "I want a divorce". Marriage is supposed to be for life and I think sometimes you make a mistake and divorce is necessary but usually anyone can say where was the effort. Good luck and work on it.

Answer 3

You're in the wrong relationship by the sounds of it. When it's right, love doesn't hurt. When two people enter into a relationship, they both nurture the relationship, to keep it healthy, happy, & growing. If being in a relationship seems like hard work, then it's not for you. Not all men cheat. There's no good reason for those who do, but some will try to blame it all on the woman, to ease their conscience. Men cheat for what they believe is reason to. Nothing can be said by the cheater, that'll condone his dirty deeds. Life is way too short, to be wasted on a man who isn't ready & mature enough to be in a relationship.

Answer 4

Perhaps you can talk to him, let him know what bothers you in the relationship before its too late. For me, I allowed my husband (now-ex) to be inconsiderate to the point that he became one of my children- I did everything for him but I wasn't happy.I resented the fact that everything was my responsibility but I never communicated that to him. All he could see was someone who was angry and sullen all the time. He no longer saw me as attractive and I didn't respect him as my husband. I wished I had communicated with my husband, perhaps he could have realize the stress I was going through and be more considerate and helpful.
I know, sometimes it feels better to want out. But we have our children to consider- if we bring them into this world, we must be responsible for them.
To me divorce is an option only if there is abuse or adultery.
Perhaps, you may want to go for marriage counselling?

Answer 5

Ok , I left my second marriage after 13 years. I could not stand the abuse, or control he had over me. I know exactly what you are talking about. But I will tell you two things. One is , I will never get married again and second NO MAN IS WORTH IT!!!
Some men have not got a heart , I am sure of it.

Answer 6

I don't think relationships should be hard. I haven't seen a relationship problem that lasted for more than a few minutes where both people were being reasonable. Unfortunately, if one person is being unreasonable, there isn't much you can do about it. I only hope for myself that I can recognize that trait in someone before I marry them.

Answer 7

Everything worth anything takes a ton of work and four tons of patience. Sometimes you just need to try to stand on the outside and look in, if it is something he is willing to work on with you then there should be nothing the two of you cannot work through together.
-NmD!

Answer 8

because human nature is so "freaking" selfish. all we do is think about ourselves. when we don't we are usually getting abused by someone else who is only thinking about themselves. self preservation is the law of nature. don't fight against that law. not getting divorced again because you have been divorced before? that is a set up for abuse. either get a professional councellor or minister involved or bust.

Answer 9

You need to both sort your heads out. If you want this to work then seek professional help (marriage guidance) and make it work. But you both need to want it to work for help to stand a chance

Answer 10

was it love at first sight, or lust? may you two hit it off at first and just thought it was love. you see its good to go out out and get fast food, but when you have it everyday not good>