How do I let go of my guilt?

Question

After 3 1/2 years with a guy, whom we both lost our virginity together with, I broke up with him (went to college, long distance thing got to me). In that next month I dated another guy and had sex with him. Then I realized I made a HUGE mistake and got back together with my x. He took me back right away, said he had been crying while we were apart and all his family said he was depressed too. Now I love him more than ever, but the guilt is killing me. even though we were not together, I feel like i cheated cuz sex means a lot to him and he swore to only do it with one girl. I never told him because it will only hurt him, and there is no way he can find out unless I tell him. I think about telling him but then when I imagine how crushed and broken down hes going to be, I cant ever imagine to go through with it. I know everyone make mistakes and I should let it go BUT HOW???? HELP PLEASE!

Just wanted to let everyone know I somehow decided to tell him.. and I did! I told him, we had a night of crying.. he scared me a little but then said he loved me and was not going to leave me. Now we're both a little hurt but we can do it. Thanks for everyone for the great advice!!!

Answer 1

Sweety if you feel guilty is because in fact you did cheat, but not on him, you cheated on yourself. By giving to someone else something that wasn't yours to give, yourself. You obviously were always your bf's and no matter what learn from this. Now he shouldn't be so focused on sex, there is a lot more to a relationship. I would recomend asking him for forgiveness since you feel so guilty.

Here is the best thing I can tell you about asking for forgiveness; the Dalai Lama says "When we have transgresed against someone we must ask for their forgiveness properly, the proper way to do this is to:
1) start by asking them to forgive us.
2) Tell them exactly what we did
: 3) Tell them why we did it
4) Promisse that we will never, EVER do it again
5) Take the necesary precautions to make sure we are never in a situation that may permit us to do it again
6) Make it up to that person, do something that they want us to do that we would not normally do
7) Ask for their forgiveness again
8) If they grant us their forgiveness then we must thank them and show gratitude
9) NEVER FORGET, that they forgave us
Once we have done all these things, even if they can't forgive us we have done everything in our power to earn their forgiveness and is out of our hands"
I have used this method and has worked for me. The times I haven't been forgiven at least I don't feel so crappy for what I have done.
Hope it helps

Answer 2

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you and he were in an active relationship when you were with someone else, that would be cheating, and you should feel guilty. But that was not the case.

You and he experienced the first time for both of you, and that is the main thing you should focus on, and he is very fortunate that he has you, and that you truly love him. Just do not destroy the whole beautiful relationship the two of you can have by telling him anything.

If you were a virgin when you were with the other guy, then you could feel guilty, but not the case, and again, if you were seeing him when you were with the other guy, then feel guilty, . . . but you weren't.

Bottom line is forget about the past. Would you rather have gotten over a slight feeling of guilt when you did no wrong, and moved on to a special relationship, or would you rather not get over it and tell him and destroy and severely hurt your man and your relationship and no one will live happily ever after, and you will regret it the rest of your life.

Just focus on how lucky both of you are to be able to be together and that you have a great future to look forward to.

I hereby pronounce you innocent of any and all charges of guilt in any, way, shape, or form.

Darryl S.

Answer 3

You want to 'let go of your guilt' and you see your best option to do that as by burdening the one you say you love 'more than ever' with a great big cross to bear!

I say... Live with it! You are very young i presume as you are at college and although you say you love your boyfriend you dated and slept with another guy in the next month after you broke up. Not much of a broken heart then?!

You don't know what he did or didnt do when you two were broken up. If i were you, i wouldnt tell him what you did. Its no big deal. I do not imagine that you two will stay together for ever anyway.

Dont burden him with your mistake.

Answer 4

The only thing you CAN do is tell him. For your relationship to blossom, this has to be done. For this to be done and put in the past, you must bring it into the light once more.

I know it'll be hard, but it is something that must be done in order to progress onward and upward in your relationship. However, save it for the right time and the right place. Do NOT tell him after a wonderful romantic evening between the two of you. Only you can judge the appropriate time and place. I suggest that, since you can foresee that there will be many tears, that you do it close to his home, or any other place where he will be be comfortable.

Believe me, I know that owning up to something like this is not easy. Though I'm a guy, I've faced several similar situations to this. What I can say is that this must be a priority before things get too serious between you two again. I suggest that you pull him aside and start by talking about what happened after the break up and starting there. You never know, maybe even he messed up, too. I know that won't justify anything, but it might soften the blow.

Remember that honesty is the best policy, and if you want him to be forthright with you in the future, you need to be honest with him now. (That, and it sets a good example to follow).

Good luck, I'm rooting for you.
-Stevo

P.S. - From my point of view, I'd want my beloved to be honest with me no matter what. Sure, I'll feel like sh!t for a while. I may even talk bad about you, but if you were my girlfriend that I love sincerely, I'd forgive you because I love the way to make me feel.
I'd remember the very way you smile at me and how it makes time around me stop.
I'd know that I've looked for someone who was better in your absense, but found no such person who existed.
I'd remember that, no matter what happens, I promised to remain by your side.

This is no different.

That's what I'd say if you were the girl I'm madly in love with right now. If your guy is anything like that, it may be a bumpy ride at first, but it will be worth while in the long run. Only from the bad experiences do we truly learn and grow.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Life is a live and learn process and it seems like you have a good moral standing. The two of you were not together so why tell him to make yourself feel better. I'm sure that hurting him will not ease your guilt, but only cause more. We can't change the past we can only learn from it, forgive ourselves and not make the same mistake in the future. Don't beat yourself up over this, it's just one of many life lessons. I would ask for God's forgiveness and ask him to help you forgive yourself silently. Good luck to you!!

Answer 6

The real question is are you going to cheat on him again?Ask yourself that question.Be sincere if you are sincere I suggest being a guy if there was a girl who I loved dearly and she loved me back I would not want to know her past if I could be sure about her sincerity for the future.Everyone makes mistakes in life,the problem arises when you make it a habit to make those mistakes repeatedly.One slip is very human,but if you do it intentionally for fun thats criminal.I suggest that you sincerely apologize to God and do not tell about your past,keep it a secret because if there is no way he would know then thats great.It would hurt him far greater if you told him,but an advice for the future love him much more than you normally would and care for him more it would make you feel much better.When you feel guilt channel it into doing something really good for him,sacrificing for him,loving him and believe me you would feel better and he would feel great.Your sense of guilt would be replaced by a sense of love and devotion.thats my humble guy opinion thats how I would have liked it,anyhow hope for the best for you.An advice for the future.Be sincere and do not stray again.

Answer 7

Every one makes mistakes. Don't make another by unloading your guilt on the one you love. You may well feel better but you boyfriend at the very least will feel dumped on. Let the guillt go and get on enjoying your relationship. I am a psychologist and have seen many poeple make this mistake. They confess expect forgiveness and instead find more damage has been caused to the one they love. You were responsible for your actins don't make him responsible for your guilt

Answer 8

There is no need for you to tell him if there is absolutely no possibility he could find out from someone else. You need to ask yourself why you feel the need to make YOUR guilt HIS responsibility. Are you seeking his forgiveness and why? Leave it in the past where it belongs and get on with the future. There is nothing to be gained from you seeking a sort of inner peace at the risk destroying all his trust if you really love him.

Answer 9

You should not tell him if you want to have a happy future,you have already said how he feels,and how devastated he would be ,he may forgive you but he will feel something unique has been lost.Its your guilt and your problem,the old saying a problem shared is a problem halved, is not true in this case,I finish by saying this,if you could change places ,how would you feel if the rolls were reversed,would you feel better knowing ?
If you love him you will move on.

Answer 10

Hi Mari, I wouldn't tell him. If you want to keep your man best to close your mouth and say nothing. If you want to get rid of your guilt,why not cook a romance dinner by candle light and make him feel like he's the only one for you. Keeping a little secret is okay, because you were not with him when it happen. Be smart and play it cool.

Clowmy