Ladies - Are you married/in a long time relationship yet do you often think about the second place guy?

Question

i.e. the guy you'd be with if you hadn't met your husband/fiance/current long time boyfriend etc. Why do you think this happens (reminiscing about the past relationship etc. etc.)?

Do you find yourself wondering what might have happened if you did things differently etc.? I met someone 14 years ago (I was 16 and he was 18) and we "hooked up" once a year or once every 2 years etc. until we sort of started seeing each other again when I was 23 and he was 25. It was a long distance thing (a couple hours drive) and it was interracial too... I had a minor crisis that I won't go into (that had resulted from our relationship....) and after that is when I started talking to my husband. My husband is the dearest and most wonderful, decent, honorable man, while this 'other guy' always seemed just out of reach, was sort of a bad boy etc. etc. Fast forward to 2006, I've been married over 2 years -- yet sometimes I still think of that stupid guy! He's outwardly nowhere near as handsome as my husband and I could never depend on him etc. Luckily I don't have a way to reach him. Besides being committed to my marriage, I'm religious. I feel bad though, for thinking about it all..

I don't want to think like I've been thinking... I'm also out of town for work right now - which does not help. Normally I'm all about my husband because he's so cute and sweet. Maybe it's just a boredom/day dreaming thing but then sometimes I think "you know - maybe he DID mean it when he said he loved me, lost my number etc...." (We talked sometimes after I'd gotten with my now husband.... The old guy was actually calling etc. (of course) because suddenly I was 'taken.').

Maybe it's just this fantasy or whatever... I mean we met at - yes - "music camp"! He played violin and I played piano.... everytime we talked/saw each other through the years it felt like time had stood still.... That summer was also the end of my childhood as my beloved Mother was killed in a car accident 3 months after we met, in October 1992..... I've found that I want to hang on to eople/things/memories from that time..... as if by talking to a person from those days etc. is my way of capturing that time and not letting it go.... he also met my Mom, which obviously my husband can't say he has done.... I wish I could speak with him but I don't have anyone's number -- and I'm actually glad I don't because then it would go from technical to actual cheating...

gxsr - you're totally right on with that - that old guy never seemed like "husband" material... whereas maybe sometimes it seems that that is all my husband is... does that make sense? He's so dependable, caring, protective, always the same temperament etc.

Answer 1

I can totally relate to where you're coming from. I am also happily married to an amazing guy who sounds a lot like your husband - attractive, sweet, dependable. Yet I sometimes think about other guys I've been with (even brief relationships from back in high school!) or develop big crushes on guys I meet (see my latest post for details).

I can also give you advice as someone who has followed her feelings and tried to "have it all" and the cake, too. A few years ago, I had a very brief affair - which I then confessed to my husband (also detailed in an earlier post). I was very fortunate that he forgave me, and now almost 4 years later we have a child together. The thing is, the affair totally wasn't worth it. Not only did I hurt my husband, who has been my best friend for 10 years, but I went through an emotional hell (and a deep depression).

I can see a lot of similiarities in our situations because I am religious also. That can cause even more angst when these sexual feelings arise, because you feel so much guilt from them. What I've come to recognize is that the feelings are normal, but you just need to be careful not to act on them. It's OK to think about other people from time to time, to fantasize as long as you don't start spending all your energy wanting it to come true.

In your case, since you've been with this other guy in the past, it would be really easy to fall into it again. My advice is to stay away from him. Enjoy the memories of the exciting sexual moments you've shared in the past, and remember that you're an attractive person to other guys. Use it to boost your confidence and feel good about yourself, just don't act on it. Hope that helps! :-)

Answer 2

for my area, i think of the bald head has been over carried out in those previous few years. I see no longer something beautiful in anyone, guy or lady with a bald head. To me, even somewhat hair is greater beautiful. It takes a undeniable shaped head to look properly thoroughly bald. purely because it takes a undeniable shape of a face, to placed on a beard properly. yet popularity, is interior the attention of the beholder, as is splendor. to each and each is very own.

Answer 3

Hi! All of us do that once in a while. It's called temptation and remember that adultry is sinful and it is against all Christian religions. When my mind goes astray to an old love I make myself STOP! Don't play games because you will keep fantasizing until you lose that wonderful man you have. Stay away from the fire in your mind. You are capable of stopping the little games you are playing. Think---Sin---Hell---Hurt---No!!! If you are religious as you say, you have to try. Don't hurt your husband. Don't hurt yourself. God bless!

Answer 4

I know the feeling!! But that is all it is, (a feeling). As long as you don't react on that feeling you should be okay. What is in the past is just that, the past. Now you have said I do to someone who you obviously see yourself with for the lifelong haul. There is always someone else who has a trait or quality that we sometimes wish or hoped our sould mate would have. We have to deal with our decision to be someones wife and just be thankful that we have someone who agreed to take our hand in marriage.

Answer 5

I do and I sometimes wonder if I would be happier. Its been a constant struggle in my relationship and all of the could've and would've guys do still linger in my thoughts. I think it because, your not happy in your present relationship. There is something keeping that other guy in your thoughts.

Answer 6

It happens sometimes.. After all, The Heart nevers likes to listen minds.... when you fall in LOVE.....

Answer 7

were in the same boat!!! I hear you