Am I being fair...?

Question

I need opinions to whether I'm being fair or not on my girlfriend.

In short, the situation is that we're both 20, together for a bit over a year and a half, used to be long distance (1.5 hour drive) until this July. At that point, I finished a training course for my career and moved to her town to pursue it there temporarily and allow us to advance and move on together.

Before I moved I was very active, had friends, sport, volunteering commitments and kept really busy. After I moved though it seemed that she now controls my life - she gets upset and annoyed whenever I just want to go out - and since July I have barely seen friends, family or anyone. Plus I've had to give up and trim down extras like sport to keep her happy with me staying at home - because staying at home (and watching her choice of TV or doing what SHE wants) is what she expects of me. That...was ok with me for a while -but I need my life back and when I started to try for that - she got mad at me.Am I unfair?

By gain my life back, I don't mean being difficult, I mean getting out, seeing friends, working a bit (I found it hard to obtain work in my field) and living the life I want, too. Basically, she wants it her way (100% of the time) or she'll get mad, pissed off, rude and difficult. I'm uncommited when I want to see my friends & family and this is making it hard on me - but to top it all off, she's now demanding the commitment of marriage and kids...which I'm not ready for!! I let her know that, and I'm "immature" for not being ready (financially & self) for kids and marriage and "settling down" at age 20.

I really think that at this age, it's too early and I want to live my life a bit first - see the world and get a career. Not have a kid and wind up stuck where I am (in a similar way to what her parents did).

Am I really so unfair in needing more time? And needing a life of my own...??

Thankyou all so far for your answers, everyone has very valid points, so thankyou.

Just one for SafetyDancer, though - thankyou, too, but I do love and care about her very much - its why Im a) with her still now and b) that I moved to be with her and stuck at it...so although I appreciate that, I thought I'd better point out that I'm not just whinging as it may seem - I do love her but like any person, I have limits. I'm sure she does too.

Answer 1

its your life. compromise or bust. youve made your compromise by moving, time for her to ante up.

Answer 2

its not fair that your so young and unhappy. She should be more considerate after the changes you've made in your life to be with her. Maybe she's testing you to see how far she can push you before you push back. Then again she may not even realize what she is doing to you. Have a talk with her and let her know that she is being very inconsiderate and that your truly not very happy with the situation. Ask her is there is a compromise that the both of you can come to, where you can both be happy together again.

Don't be unhappy and don't let someone control you. Life is to short to live this way.

Answer 3

I don't think you're being unfair. If you have not sat down and explained to her EXACTLY what you are feeling like you did in this question, then you need to.
If you have talked to her and she still got mad, and she isn't at least trying to meet your needs just like you are meeting hers, then you should probably move on.
20 is too young to be in a relationship that you are already questioning. The best relationships work on a basis that two people live their own lives and share the good times and support each other in the bad.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I don't think you are being unfair I think you are just being YOU... you guys need to sit and communicate that you gave up everything for her and that you need something to keep your mind occupied since you don't have any family or friends yet. So, try to break her in slowly with a compromise, like you play 1 sport or activity that you do by your self and you guys choose 1 activity that you do together. You guys are young so it is still a learning process for the both of you, especially if she is controlling the tv.....

Answer 5

In all of what you say, not once do you mention that you love her and care about her or that she is the greatest thing in your life. In fact, you see her as controling, self- centered, and selfish, right?

I think you are looking for permission to leave this relationship. You want us "yahoos" out here to give you that? Go ahead, LEAVE already. You have one foot out of the door anyway.

Give this girl a break and end the relationship as kindly and as "fairly" as you can. You'll save her from a life of hearing you whine about how unfair everything is.

And, before you get into another relationship, decide how much you are able to give. Sounds to me as if you definitely have your limits. Your future mate needs to know just exactly what they are. At least, that would be the fair thing to do.

Answer 6

honestly, i think a lot of couples have this problem cause im going through the same exact thing . basically . andd . the way i see it . yes , she wants you there and she wants you to make her happy . but if following her constant commands and being with her constantly is the only way you can make her happy and pleased with you .. then the relationship is being controllive and unhealthy . everyone needs time away from their partner . and . i know from experience that if you dont get your own time . with ur own friend , own family , and own sports and entertainment . you'll eventually become lonely enough that you become unhappy with her . so . no . you are not being unfair . talk to her about it . and let her know that you dont want to feel strapped down or you might try to pull away . =]

Answer 7

Not at all. I think she is the one being unfair and really selfish. We are all individuals and no one should be allowed to take us out of our realm. True, your life does change when you become involved. But it should change for the better. The things that you once did, you should now have someone to join you while doing them. Talk to her and tell her that you love her but you will not allow her to turn you into her pet. She fell in love with the person that you were, so why is she trying to make you something that you are not?

Answer 8

Hello,

I think you should sit down with your girlfriend and explain this to her. If you are both in it for the long haul, than your relationship at it's current state is not one that's going to last. You will start to resent her (which I think you already are) and you will continue to fight until one of you decides that you can't take it anymore and you will break up.

Just start communicating with her. In every relationship the individuals involved need to spend some time apart. You can't be with someone 100% of the time. You need to be able to continue to do your favorite activities. Just as she should be able to do her's.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 9

No you are not being unfair, sometimes women have been hurt in their past so it is hard for them in the future, unless she is just a control freak and in that case you should just start cheating now because that is what it is going to resort to anyway, now that we have that cleared up, let her know what is bothering you, let her know that her trying to be in control is going to be damaging to the relationship, dont let her know when you guys are in an argument, at any normal time just let her know how you are feeling good luck

Answer 10

I don't think you are being unfair at all. You did move their for her and now she won't give in any. You need to sit down with her and have serious conversation because this relationship isn't going to last they way it is. Tell her everything you just said here and explain to her that you need you need time for yourself from time to time and that maybe y'all should do things you are interested in too. Y'all definitely need to compromise you give her time but she also let you have your own time. Its all about the balance.

Answer 11

You are both very young and just starting to realize what relationships are all about. Start by both making a list of what you like to do....make the list include things together and things alone....then agree to alternate days to do these things...good luck