For mature men in their 40's...I have a serious question so an 'interpretation'/advice would be appreciated...

Question

We're both in our early 40's, never married and just started 'dating'. What does it mean when he says that he doesn't want anything serious right now but just wants a 'companion' to spend time with when he's not with his 10 year old son. He has a pessimistic view on marriage but doesn't want to date everyone and anyone but just someone to have fun with. We 'connected' in an incredible way and we both know it. We have the BEST time and the best sex. (time is hard to come by due to work and his son). When we're together, he treats me like a 'queen' and is extremely attentive and complimentary of me. I just found out that he's under alot of stress right now but its my birthday today and a simple phone call would've been nice. Am I 'over reacting'?? I guess its hard to start dating at this age. I seemed to have been better at this in my 20's. How do I go about this in a
'smart' and 'cool' way so I DON'T lose him? I don't want to mess this up due to my ignorance. thank you.

Answer 1

aw girly, you seem to be very confident about the contection the two of you have. I think you dont have anything to worry about, seriously, you've probably got this "to good to be true" thought stuck in your head, i did, when i met my now husband, your story reminded me so much of when we started dating, we are both in our 40's too, but yours is saying he doesnt want a committment, but i think he's just scared but i can almost promise you that, thats where your relationship is heading, its gonna be great! Stop worrying, its all gonna be ok........i can just tell......lol....good luck!

Answer 2

It sounds like he has some issues he needs to deal with - not necessarily bad - but issues just the same. I think he has a true desire to raise his son in a manner that he has chosen. I don't know about the boy's mother so I cannot comment on the situation, although it could be part of the issue.

He needs a woman in his life. Someone to 'connect' with not 'commit' with. He seems to enjoy your company in every aspect of a relationship, but stops short of anything that may take it to the next level.

As for your part, IF you are comfortable with how this is going, then be patient. Do not push him in any way because he seems to be on the edge right now. And a push might just send him over the edge. About the only thing you can do to get HIM to move forward is to PULL not push. What I mean is hold back slightly. That way you may be able to pull him from that edge. Maybe just talk with him to see if you can find that issue and help him resolve it.

I went thru a nasty divorce in my early forties and it took a while for me to get over the shock and awe. I finally met someone like you and eventually we got serious and married. She was a great friend I met after the divorce. We had great times and eventually, we decided to unite as one.

Good luck and continue being optimistic.

Answer 3

I am in my early 40´s, I'm married, but sometimes a think what it would be like if I would be single again, and I don´t think I would have the energy to date again, and for sure I would not married again, but yes it would be nice to have some one of the opposite sex to hang around (and have sex obviously) but with out the "hard work" you do when you are dating and in your 20´s
It sounds wrong, but at this age you have a way of living and not very eager to adapt to some one new.
If you are willing to have that kind of relationship also, go ahead, if not, find some one else who is willing to commit more.
And Happy B-Day !!!!

Answer 4

When I was in the Marine Corps, we had to learn to climb down net ladders to a boat. There were always four men abreast. One of my men asked how fast to go down the ladder, the answer was: as fast as the slowest man.
You see, this guy likes you too. Women seem to want/need a commitment and it may be difficult when a relationship seems so open-ended.
My advice is to tell him how you feel. Tell him that you do not want to lose his caring presence however often it is; and that you feel you are willing to wait.
But once you make an ultimatum, you are locked into that. Open a bird cage when the bird has flown and it will likely find its way back...as long as the door is open. Good luck

Answer 5

Basically, it appears he wants someone around when he has the time/inclination for company, but no strings...if there's no "relationship" then he doesn't have to worry about birthdays, or holidays, or anniversarys, or calling you daily, etc...it's basically a deal where you get to together when it's mutually convenient, have a good time, then retire to your separate 'corners' until it's mutually convenient and desirable to get together again...

If this is acceptable to you, then go with it...but don't expect much beyond what you've already had with him...and don't get upset if he doesn't acknowledge a birthday or remember that you've been seeing one another for "X" number of months...

If you feel you need more committment or something more solid, then this may not be the situation for you...

Answer 6

At least he told you the truth. According to Readers Digest (and reality) divorce is much more painful for men than for women. There are lots of support groups advertised in every town's newspaper for women. How many are there for men?

Society and many of our married friends as well as neighbors disown a guy going thru divorce?!@ Men die going thru divorce from heart attacks, suicide etc. The ones that make it alive lose living with our children and miss a lot of holidays/traditions with them.

My brother died during divorce and I almost did.
I know other men who died going thru divorce.
"Family" men, those women say they prefer, often have a hard time readjusting.

Many of us would never survive the pain of another divorce, a community divorce, losing married friends again, relocating and all it entails. Would you prefer he lied and used you?

It really depends if marriage is your ultimate goal. If it is, you might have to move on. It's sad that, even under a lot of stress, he forgot your birthday. Most of the time we need reminders.

Good luck!

Answer 7

What does it mean? It means he's not interested in anything more than fun, so don't expect a commitment from him or for him to want to get married to you. I don't know why his words are confusing- they sound perfectly clear to me. He's warning you that he wants to have cake (you) and eat it too (offer you no promises). He didn't call you on your birthday because you'd probably think it "meant" something and it doesn't, and to be honest, you probably don't mean much to him right now either. He's being complimentary because being a jerk wouldn't get him very far. He doesn't want to date anyone else because he's lazy and few women would tolerate him.
Frankly, losing him wouldn't be such a great loss. He's offering you crumbs and you're making excuses for his lousy behavior.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.

Answer 8

First of all, congrats on finding someone special! Next, a natural response to finding something that we really, we tend to want to grab hold and never let go. This "natural" response is quite possibly the most deadly response. When we start to question our own self worth, we will cling to those that make us feel better about who we are. Feeding off them, for our own selfish needs. We rarely see ourselves that way, but it is what we are doing when we hold on too tightly. The beauty of what you share is just that...sharing. It is not expecting, demanding or selfish. It is giving without expectations, it is loving without judgment and it is kindness just for the sake of being kind. You know what it is that you have. You know that you want to always feel this way. Try not to over analyze your experience. You have trusted what you have felt to this point, why not continue to trust yourself? The only way to lose what you have is to make it your own. It's not Yours, it belongs to the two of you

Answer 9

its obvious that you are not his top priority his son is which is a good thing put you deserve to be more then just the backbunner girl. it sounds like his interpretation of a companion is a friend with benefits, Watch to movie The Notebook the war widow is you at the moment how depressing.

Answer 10

did he know it was your birthday?

Call before you go to bed and ask if everything is OK, because you thought you would hear from him...(if he still doesn't twig) because it's your birthday....hopefully, that will trigger an "oh szhit!" and a big gush of apology.

No matter his stress etc., he *should* feel guilty about this. If he doesn't, and doesn't apologize, that will tell you something about your relationship, and what you are afraid of "losing". Sometimes lessons hurt.

Anyway....happy birthday!