How can I get past the depression & guilt I feel over the loss of my children (without seeing a shrink)?

Question

September marked 4 years since I lost my 1st child, she was my 1st pregnancy & her heart simply stopped during the 8th month. My second child was a year later, a boy who was 4 months premature, he managed to live for two days by being hooked up to machines. I watched them preform CPR on him several times from the moment he was born.On the 2nd day they informed us that it would be best for him to just unhook the machines and let him go. I had to give them permission to unhook the machines & could do nothing but hold him as he he died in my arms. Even though they convinced me it was best for him, I cant get over the fact that I basically let him die. Every single day I relive both of these events but I have to push my grief down,pretend to be happy - like neither happened. My husband & mother simply say to "let it go", "get over it, they're gone"...! You cant fully understand how it feels unless you've been through it yourself, from the Mothers point of view.How do you cope?

Answer 1

You need professional grief counselling, hon. Call your local social services agency and see if there is a group you can attend that has other grieving parents in it. Sometimes, just knowing you are not the only one who feels this way, and having someone to talk to who understands helps

Answer 2

I've never lost a child but about 5 years ago I lost my older and only brother (then I was 16 he was 20). Now I'm 21 and not a day goes by that I don't feel some kind of grief, for myself and my parents. The best way to cope for me is trying to think of other things that do make you happy. And don't feel bad if a few hours or an entire day goes by and you don't think of it, look at it as a good thing. If you let it weigh down on you the way it seems you have, you will never recover even a little bit. There is no "moving on" or "getting over it" to speak of, but there are good days and bad days. The goal is to obviously have more good than bad. Not an easy thing to do when you are the parent. I ask my parents all the time how they do it and they both say "I don't know". I try to be there for them for support seeing as how I'm the only remaining son, but I can't feel a void that big. Like I said before, the best thing to do is escape the reality of it, even if it's only for a few hours a day. Avoiding drugs of course. There can be some positive in all this tragedy, you just have to dig deep enough to find it. Maybe like in my case, I was never very close to either parent but now, we support each other and have never been closer. Maybe your husband is trying to be the "strong" parent but inside I'm sure he feels the same way. You need him more than anyone. In my opinion of course.

Answer 3

First Dee let me say from one mom to another how sorry I am that you lost your babies. Having suffered two miscarriages(1998 and 2000), I can relate to what you're saying but only a little as I never got the chance to meet the babies I lost. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to hold your son as he left this world. I don't see how you can get through this without some kind of therapy. Even after two difficult but successful pregnancies, I still think of the two that didn't survive. We have a pastoral institute and I found that talking out my grief in an environment like that was so helpful. You'll never forget them, you'll never get over losing them but you can survive it. Nearly two weeks ago, I lost the father of those children who is also the father of my youngest son. People tell me to get over it, move on but I loved him dearly and miss him every day. He grieved with me when we lost our babies and was the only person who understood how much it hurt. Now he's gone too. But I have two souls that need me and so I go on because I must. Maybe there's a support group that can help you since you don't seem to have anyone in your life that understands. I don't know you, but I know this pain and I would gladly lend an ear if you need to talk, scream, cry, whatever. Having support at times like these is the key to healing. May God bless you and give you strength.

Answer 4

I don't understand how it feels to lose a child, but I do have two children and can only imagine the pain I would feel were one (or both) of them to leave me.

Depression is an illness, just like diabetes. You can't "wish it away." It has physical and emotional symptoms that require attention. The best way to approach depression is a combination of support from friends and family, seeing a specialist, and, if needed, medication.

You mention that your mother and husband cannot relate to what you're going through. It's possible that they're trying to deal with their grief, and that their way of coping is different from yours. I know that I focus on problems when they arise; whereas, my husband tries to focus his mind elsewhere.

If I were you, I'd made a call to your family practitioner. Make an appointment and talk to him about what you're going through. He may suggest seeing someone who's trained to work with parents and mothers who've experienced loss. He may also suggest medication. But no matter what he suggests, I recommend that you not ignore your feelings. As I mentioned, depression is an illness that requires attention. While doing something "for yourself" may be the last thing you want to think about right now, you owe it to yourself (and possibly a future son or daughter) to get the help you need to deal with your loss.

Answer 5

Let start out like everyone else her by saying how sorry I am for your loss.

I lost my first child, William when he was just 6 hours old. This was 14 years ago, and not a day goes by that I don't grieve for my son.

I did spend many years in counseling and it did help so much, but the the only thing that keeps me from breaking down are my children I was blessed to have after him.

Don't pretend to be happy doll, grieve. You have had a horrible loss, TWICE.

Find a support group, even if its on-line, we are out there and we do understand and are willing to even help on the 'BAD' days.


Link for you......... http://october15th.com/

Answer 6

i'm so sorry. That actually makes my abdomen tie in knots through fact i don't understand what i might do if that have been my daughter. I do even with the undeniable fact that think of which you're very good. not many women folk human beings ought to circulate on with having lost 2 toddlers. I do even with the undeniable fact that think of something like this you are able to on no account enable circulate, or recover from it that is merely chilly that they say those issues and you're good no one can not totally understand until they have been by it so in line with possibility that is why your mom could have the heart to declare this style of chilly factor. i actually do not understand the thank you to tell you to administration different than to easily stay sometime at a time. Its what I could do while i think of of my husband cheating on me good after our first toddler become born Its in all possibility not a concolation yet thats how i'm getting by my existence is merely taking it sometime at a time. i'm so sorry on your loss.

Answer 7

There is no time limit on grieving. You faced not one but two terrible losses. Your family members are wrong in telling you to get over it-how rude. All I can think of is just to pray about it. Maybe you have a friend, a pastor or other family member to talk to about this. Good luck!

Answer 8

I'm really sorry about your losses, there is really not much you can do. If your sad and you want to grieve, it is okay. Time is the only healer. Don't hold it on you, it is okay to talk about. However, it is not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty, you give them life but they were unfortunate. It is not your fault, you did the right thing.

Answer 9

you poor thing. best of luck to you