I am currently not speaking to my MIL. My husband is upset and wants things resolved. What do I do?

Question

I wrote my MIL a letter telling her that I notice that she treats me and my children different than her other daughter in laws and grandchildren and told her that she needs to fix things. She recieved the letter about 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything. What should I do? My husband is upset that we are not speaking and wants things to work out. She is a real piece of work and I could care less if we ever talk again. My daughter and son don't even talk about her, so it doesn't seem like they miss her. Should I have my husband talk with her or just let it go? I don't know what to do, this has put a strain on my marriage. Should I just talk to her or wait her out? Please help

The letter I wrote was not mean in any way and I told her that my children notice that they are treated differently and it's not fair to them. She has never liked me even from the start, and when I lived with her son before we were married it was horrible she told his siblings what a horrible person I was and that they should ignore me. Things have gotten worse since the grandkids were born, my daughter is the oldest and she is 5, my son is 2. She has 4 other grandchildren from ages 3 years to 4 months. She has forgotten my sons birthday and all sorts of things that just make me so angry, she has even told me that I take advantage of them (her and her husband) by asking them to watch the children so I can work. I have just had enough after 11 years.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, when you married your husband, you also married into a family. They are your family now. Unfortunately, some family members can be petty and play favorites.

I'm going to answer your question as if it's your mother-in-law who is totally at fault and nothing you have done has caused her to behave this way. Only you know if this is the case or not.

First of all, I would try to resolve the situation. This rift will ultimately cause problems between you and your husband and it's not fair to ask him to choose between his mother and his wife. He would ultimately probably choose you......but at what price. Even if he did choose you, your relationship with him would be damaged.

Try to do what you can to get back to the relationship you had with your MIL before "the letter."

Once everyone is speaking again, you need to have a different strategy when dealing with her. Don't let her get under your skin. Accept that she prefers her other in-laws. Who cares since you don't like her either, right? Just be nice to keep the peace. Try to limit the amount of time that you have to interact with her and just be nice and tolerate her when you have to.

She may be getting a thrill from getting to you and upsetting you, so don't give her the satisfaction of showing it bothers you. Act like you didn't notice.

As for your children, please try not to affect how they feel about her. Let them each decide for themselves how they feel......and if they voice their concerns, try to have your husband deal with it. You need to be neutral in shaping how they feel about them. Just because you don't like her doesn't mean they have to hate her too. Your children love YOU and they will probably feel about people the way you feel about them.......and since your feelings towards her are not unbiased, it might not be fair to your children to share your feelings about your MIL.

My sister in law hates me, and as a result her children hate me. I feel sad that I might not ever have a good relationship with my niece and nephew simply because she doesn't like me. I would rather they had had the opportunity to get to know me and decide for themselved that they didn't like me.

Anyway, in a nutshell, my advice is to try to make peace for the sake of your and your husbands marriage and then just try to make the best of whatever encounters you have with this woman and don't let her get your goat.

There are lots of people in this world with this same problem, and you just have to deal with it.

Good luck
Sincerely,
robin_in_tennessee

Answer 2

This story sounds exactly like my daughters situation. Her mother
in law treats her daughter and husband like a queen and king
and their kids like royalty. While My Son-in-law and my daughter
and kids like ****. The only thing he know how my daughter feels.
and he argues with his parents because they won't acknowledge
that they have two more grandchildren. Mined you He is his fathers biological son, while she is his step daughter. His mother
picks her and her kids over the rest of the family. So I do understand where your coming from. All I can say it's her lost
your children will be closer to your side of the family. There's
really nothing you can do if you already talk to her about this matter. Just go on with your everyday life with your kids. Besides
the kids don't seem to mined, so you shouldn't either. Just talk
to your husband and let him know about how you feel. Also
tell him to look how the children don't even acknowledge them.
And that you do want them to have a relationship with her but
since it's her choice to ignore them then your going to ignore
that she doesn't even care. You can also talk to her and tell her
how you feel, just be calm, you don't want her to change her
attitude with you and if she does then just say fine then don't
blame you when you finally come around to igknowledge that
you have other grandchildren and they don't want to have nothing to do with you. Your just being honest. And if your husband can't
handle the truth then he too has issues.

Answer 3

if your e not careful, this will turn into a big marriage problem with your husband. This is his mom, so you need to watch what you say, even though she is over stepping big time. Since this is your mother in law- I think it should be dealt with by your husband. He needs to defend you, and set boundaries with her. Remember- mothers can have alot of pull with husbands, and wives can't always compete. Your role is to love your mother inlaw as much as you can. Let husband know you appreciate her, and want to have a good relationship with her. But at the same time, you need to have your own space and set some healthy boundaries with her. Grandma evidently feels that she was being supportive and helpful being in the delivery room. I doubt it was about seeing the crotch. Could you be over reacting just a little bit???? Calm down, and discuss what I suggested with husband. Having a new baby is stressful on everyone involved. You want to have a grandma for your kids, so you might have to just grin and bear someof it. Communicate with hubby.

Answer 4

Obviously she is not going to confront you with your feelings and try to figure out how to get along and care about each other. Family is so very important and if this is a strain on your marriage then you may have to be the bigger person and try to talk to her. Be careful though, try to state your feelings in a way she will relate to. Do not be accusatory. If you just site specific times she ousted you she will get defensive and shut down. You may find that she feels you just don't like her and therfore why try to get along. Or you may find out that she just doesn't like you for no reason at all and nothing will change. Either way your husband will see that you have tried ,and after he tries,thats all you can do.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Well, if she hasn't called or written you back by know then she isn't going to do it at all, don't worry about just keep on not talking to her she'll come around. And no I don;t think you should get your husband to say anything because it's too late he should have been step ed in and put her in check just let it go and except the fact that your mother-in-law is a B itch

Answer 6

your husband needs to quit getting upset and try to understand that just because you two are married doesn't guarantee that you and your MIL will be buddies. just tell your husband that you won't ask him to stop going to see his Mom and for him to quit expecting the two of you to be friends.

I'm in the same situation and finally after 30+ years i had enough and told my husband i just couldn't deal with his Mom any more and thank God he understands. she's always tried to tell me what to do and has kept me upset and i finally had to take a stand. if i see her out in public I'm not rude, but we don't speak on the phone or visit each other. my husband goes to her house and we have caller ID.

Answer 7

You did the right thing. You put the ball in her court. It is her choice now. It is your husbands responsibility to make peace with his mother you dont need to ever have anything to do with her again. She is your childrens grandmother though so yor husband will have to be in charge of " family visits" just stay home.

Answer 8

I had this problem kinda with my ex wife's father. I would talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Then ask him to sit down with his mother and talk to her with or with out you. It would help if you were there to let her know why you feel this way. And make your point do not argue with her about it because it will only make things harder for your husband, if he will not help you than ask him why these are his kids too and he should love you and them not to let anyone even family to treat you and your kids this way..

GOOD LUCK......

Answer 9

i have a sister that had a mil like yours. the mil would buy more expensive gifts for the others and this would upset my sister. i ask her do the kid notice and she said no but that's not the point. i told her i agree, but if the kids are happy don't go there. unfortunately she treated my sister like crap. but i told her remember you didn't marry his family , you married him.
the best thing you can do is treat her civil. if it is putting strain on you marriage and you want to survive your marriage talk to her.
i'm not saying kiss her ***, talk and be civil.

Answer 10

My mom and my dad's mom have never gotten along and I'm in my 30's! I don't care for my dad's family much because of the way they have treated my mother as well as my sister and I. We were put on the back burner because we were girls not boys and my dad was the only boy (like this is our fault!). My mom still goes to dinners once in a while, invites my dad's family to use her home at Christmas because it has more space and includes them in other family affairs. She DOES NOT go out of her way to be nice or over extend herself. She has kept in contact with them out of respect for my dad and has allowed her two adult children to make up their minds on how often to visit them. If your children are older, let them make up their minds about it. Out of respect for your husband, deal with her, be respectful, just don't go out of your way. Good luck.