Question on how to discipline a 6 year old...?

Question

My fiance has full cutody of his two girls yet he allows the mother to have visitation and she doesn't have the same rules as we do. To be frank ~ she doesn't have any.

Anyway, when it is just me and the girls, his 6 year old will regularly thow these HUGE fits. When I try to disipline her, (ie timeout or bedtime without snack) and it doesn't work, I tell her that I am going to let her dad handle it and she flips out. Then she tells me that she wants her mommy (which she only brings up in situations like this.)

I don't believe in spanking (and I wouldn't in this case because these are not my children), but she FREAKS out whenever I mention her Dad. I am at my witts end because I find myself arguing with a 6 year old and that is just plain stupid. I really don't want to involve her Dad because it starts off as being a small and petty thing and before I know it is BIG HUGE thing and I wonder how much of it is my doing.

Please only serious answers. Thank you

Answer 1

The lack of consistency is confusing to the children (appropriate structure in your home, none in the other). In addition, the children are testing their limits with you, and most likely secretly hoping to get Mom & Dad back together. While incredibly frustrating, this is VERY NORMAL behavior. Do not get into blaming.
Solutions:
1.Talk it out with your fiance, and establish rules that you both agree with.
2. Once you agree, have a family meeting with you, your fiance, and the children. Have him run the meeting and explain the rules. Encourage him to let the children know that you are both in agreement, and will both use the same consequences. This is an essential step.
3. Teach the children that not all adults agree, and that they must follow Mom's rules when with her (even if her Rule One is that there are no rules!) and the rules of your home when they are with you and your fiance. This is another issue that should be discussed at your family meeting.
4. Have family meetings every one-two weeks. You and your fiance take turns running them. Be sure to praise good behavior, and efforts at improved behavior. (Do this per instance as you notice, reinforce at the family meeting.) For example: "Jane, I like the way you have been doing your homework right after school. Good job!" The meetings should recognize improvements and good behavior first, then address any problems. Encourage the kids to speak their minds, and listen without interruption. This is a good age to establish excellent communication.
4. Encourage Dad to enforce consequences whenever possible. It is NOT your role to be the bad guy.
5. Be patient. The change process is slow.
6. Give yourself a lot of credit and a HUGE pat on the back for wanting to improve things for your new family. :-)

Answer 2

Try to find out why he's misbehaving. It could just be the typical response to being on vacation for 2 weeks, it takes a while to get back into the routine and rules of school. If there's another factor, address that. Find some activity that is optional, like tv or video games or candy and tell him that it's only available on days that he's good. It's different from taking it away on bad days in that you're reinforcing the good behavior with reward instead of punishing the bad. Each day he's good at school he gets that reward. Make a special treat if he's good a certain number of days out of the week, you decide. Start with 3 and move up from there for a suggestion. Perhaps take him to get a kids meal from a restaurant or plan a trip to the park if you don't go for the material rewards. If you really don't want to get into the reward game, keep a calendar on the fridge and have him mark down his behavior for the day. Only keep one month or 1-2 weeks up at a time, kids need the opportunity to start over. If he's had a good day, he gets a green smiley face and a bad day gets a red frown. Using the colors he will see which has more. Encourage him to have the calendar more green than red. Making him responsible for his own behavior is the key and when he realizes that it is him that "chooses" what he will get after school, he'll take more interest in his behavior. Children respond better to reward and encouragement than negative punishment, even if the actions are exactly the same. Good luck.

Answer 3

Your in a no win situation. Don't take this wrong, it's nothing against you, but i don't think divorced parents should remarry. Your husband should be concentrating on raising his daughters rather then putting his time in a relationship. His girls are now being bounced around from home to home, spending time with someone who isn't there mom.

On you side, your now stuck with two children who i can assume you would raise differently if they were your own. I do believe in spankings but not in your case, I am glad to know you don't do that, since these are your step kids, and your not there mom. It's a difficult role to play.

I commend you for putting effort into these children. I think though this is not your failure, but your husbands. it's his responsibility and best interest to tend to his daughters. If I were you, and i had not made children with him yet, i would serious reconsider your marriage. Remember his girls are young, with there situation it sounds like it will only get worse from here.

Good Luck

Answer 4

You really need to take this as your first lesson as being the step parent. You need to make it very clear to your husband how the 6 year old behaves. It's really his position to discipline her at this time. Understand that this child is sharing her father with you in her eyes and she is going to do whatever she can to make it impossible for the both of you to be together. This is nothing personal against you, it's just that in her mind she wants her mommy and daddy together. Sit down with your fiancee and explain to him everything and agree on a strategy that will work for both of you. Do the best you can to make it clear to the 6 year old that you are not trying to replace her mother and try to find something that both of you have in common. The more you make it appoint to get to know her, the better her behavior will be with you. Good luck and GOD bless you.

Answer 5

The kid has figured out how to push your buttons. A few things about six year olds 1) never ever argue with them, they will always win the verbal battle. 2) they are incredibly observant, they miss nothing, so any stress between the adults in her life, she is perfectly aware of. 3) they like consistency and do best with a predictable routine, so suttling between the mother and home may be causeing he stress that manifests in temper tantrums. 4)if you are dealing with her, then don't bring dad into it or wait until bedtime for punishment. Punishment should be now. If timeout isn't working, change timeout. Instead of sitting on her bed, designate a particulr chair or corner that she has to stay in. Usually a minute for every year of age is the formula recomended. but the time doesn't count if she isn't sitting quietly. If she argues and cries and whines from timeout, then the time doesn't count. She is gonna fight you on this, but you have to remember that you are the grown up.

And I don't know the mother's story, but have your husband sit down with her. she may not be aware of how disruptive the differing environments in the two housholds are to the girl. She also may not care, but its worth trying to get some conteuity between the two homes.

Answer 6

Who is the person responsible for this child? You? your fiancee?
Both of you? What is the prior agreement regarding parenting?
If you are the responsible person (and have consciously accepted responsibility) then you will need to act as a parent, that is, as if this child were your own.
Then the question is what sort of child do you want to raise?
You will get nowhere by arguing with a 6 year old.
If you decide to accept responsibility then it is not too late to set things right. Your fiancee will need to support you as the parent.
Visitation rights by the biological mother do not mean she has a right to undermine you.
If your fiancee will for any reason not support you then you have no hope to succeed at all.

Answer 7

I don't know how long you two have been together, but I researched once and it stated that it can take up to 3 years to blend a family such as yours.

At any rate, kids deal with blending a family by acting out since they of course want mommy and daddy back together. One of the best ways for the family to mold is your husband needs to sit all of you down and lay out the rules to the(his) children. They need to know that anything you do or say is to be treated as if he said it, Period! You and him are a team, but teams need to be on the same sheet of music. He should never undermind your authority in front of them and vice versa. If you two disagree, discuss it in private. Nothing is worse then kids playing parents against each other. They might already be doing that with their natural mom.

Remember this, family is family regardless to how it is put together and if those children succeed or fail in life, it will reflect on all parents involved.

As far as his ex wife, if she has no rules for the kids and they come back into your home testing yours, that is fine! You will not be able to change the dynamics in her house and just to spite you she won't ever let you. No matter how hard you have to work, try to establish a relationship with her. In other words be the adult and kill her with kindness.

Children respect discpline, even when they resist. The older the children get the more safe they'll will feel with you. Discpline is a sign of safety and caring.

Answer 8

It will probably take some time. She needs to learn to trust you in order to take some direction from you. It sounds as if she does not have a lot of consistency in her life -- try to provide some for her. When she has a fit, can you just hold her on the sofa and comfort her until she calms down? Can you have a little ritual you do together when she has a fit, like cuddling and a special song you sing to her? Don't engage in arguing with a six year old. Be firm and loving and tender with her. In time, you will find that her fits will diminish and you will have a solid loving relationship with her.

Answer 9

In only 17 so i cant say much. But i have raised my brother and sister as if they where my own kids, plus i voluntier in a daycare center, so what i used 2 do with my brother and sister is negociate, if they do what i ask now, later they will be reroured (not sure how to spell it im argentine, but i think you get the picture). There is this little girl in the daycare center, her mom is like the mother you just described, and what i do is let her scream her little loungs out, until she realizes that just doesnt get her anywhere. Hope it helps

Answer 10

Sounds like you are at your ends wit! You may not want to involve the father, but honestly you need to. They are his children and he should know what is really going on when it's just you and the kids. Tell him how things are, and then ask for his suggestions on how to deal with the situations. This way he's not going to think you're just complaining about the kids. If you're asking for his help on how to help his kids out, he'll be grateful you're trying to do your best and you want everything to work out. Good Luck