my mum wants to be forgiven for abusing / bullying me throughout childhood. finding this really difficult?

Question

ok i can forget about what happened but i am having difficulty getting on with life normally because of lack of confidence/ poor social skills. every time i try + enjoy myself i do something "wrong" because i was kept locked i a room much of my childhood and i just don't seem to know what is "normal" behavoiur around people

i feel really angry towards her for how it has left me. am i being petty?

Answer 1

i went through alot of child abuse and they way i forgave my mom is a sat her down and made her listern to everything that i had on my chest and walked away and i phoned her up later on in the month and just started a new plate. whats in the past stays in the past. i'm sry to hear about what happened with you. i hop you will bacome friends again. even tho it will be hard it is so worth it

Answer 2

I have only recently been able to come to terms with the relationship I have with my father. I had a great deal of resentment built up inside me for some valid and some invalid reasons. To finally be at a point where I accept and love him for who he is - well it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. For years I felt depressed and paranoid about different things that I felt all linked back to my childhood. To have some help and to be able to move past that point has been the happiest turning point of my life. I would work through the different things that cause you pain or difficult and find a way to forgive your Mum. It won't come on demand though - forgiveness is weird - one moment it's not there and then something clicks into place and it is. You cannot pretend though. The whole point is that it is genuine - else there's no point. You won't be able to get the genuine article without working through the issues you have already mentioned.
Really wishing you the very best of luck with this and to let you know that if you can get through it and reach a forgiving - then you'll feel so much better.

Answer 3

No, you are not unreasonable! We all have choices to make without blaming our behavior on someone else, as your mom blamed your dad. If anything, she should have wanted to protect you from what she was allegedly going through, rather than treating you the same way. Emotional abuse is hard to shake loose! It's good that you had some counseling which helped. Time will help with the other part. Forgiveness will help you to shed the burden of resentment toward her, especially if she truly repents and asked for your forgiveness. She should be forgiven after she admits that she was at fault, rather than "passing the buck". It won't change the past, but it can help you to move on emotionally, to become a better person and parent, when or if you have children. If she just continues to say that she was not totally to blame, and leaves it at that, she is in denial and will probably not change, other than by "Divine intervention". She would not be positive grandmother material. Time and distance do help in the healing process.

Answer 4

If you aren't already in counseling, I hope you would consider going. You will forgive your mother if and when you are ready. No one has set a time limit and there really isn't a time limit. You may accept or understand your mother and your past, but it doesn't mean you've forgiven her. You have been through a lot in your childhood and it will not go away overnight. There is no magic word to make it all go away. Also there are support groups around for people who have had difficulty with their childhood. Even if you mother's situation had nothing to do with substance abuse, you may benefit from Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I hope you do find a way to move on and find a way to improve your life for YOURSELF. You did not deserve this treatment and you deserve to live life to it's fullest according to your terms, providing they are legal! :o)

Answer 5

You are not being petty. You are a person and any person of whatever age deserves respect, but saddly as a child you never got any. This is bound to have a detrimental effect on what sort of person you become. I do think that it may be worth you seeing someone who can answer you questions better than I can but that is your choice and will only work if you are ready to work through it all(and it is painfull.I have been there!). I hope you get the help that you need and also that you work things out, but remember you are who you are, and for that you deserve respect. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 6

Truthfully, the only real answer is for you to work on your skills yourself. Looking backwards will only take you backwards, and you want to move forwards, right?!
Knowledge can help, so seeking more knowledge on subjects to do with the areas that you are experiencing difficulties in may be of use. If you look hard enough, we can all find `reasons why' etc, we are like we are, but when it comes down to it; how we take responsibility for our own lives is really where it's at. Helping others to sort out their problems can also be an eye opener; and bring you to a new point of view, and bring confidence in regard of being with others.

Answer 7

you are in no way being petty!
I would never forgive my mum or anyone if they had done this to me, I think you are very brave for even trying.
When you go out it must be hard to adapt to what life is like, just make sure your polite to people and be carefull how you word things, it can make alot of difference.
Just be carefull and dont let what has happened to you ruin the rest of your life, I know that sounds like a hard thing to do but it will get easier in time.
If you want to forgive your mum then you have to do so fully otherwise there is no point, if you dont want to then that is completely understandable.
What you are dealing with is hard enough without the person who put you through it in the first place messing you up again.

I hope your ok, if you need to talk let me know x

Answer 8

You should try and see your doc and get some counselling about this, but do you really want to be friends with your mum again? Take a long time to think about this if the answer is yes then try your best talk things through tell her about how you felt when you were a child and tell her how you feel now.

She may be able to explain things now that you weren't able to understand when you were a child. Give it a go, if you feel its too much you can't say you haven't tried and you are free to walk away

Answer 9

No Not at all, for what she has done you have the right to be 'petty' and more!!!!
Do you have any very close friends that you can talk to about this?
If they understand why you do things 'wrong' when socialising i think they may understand.
They can help you through this, i think you are a very strong person for what you have been through and you can do it, i lack confidence, but it is one of those things that come from within, a good thing to do is basically 'copy' some you admire and has a lot of confidence, it sounds mad but it works, everything they do you do, it helped me.
If you ever need someone to talk to my e-mail address is [e-mail]
I hope this helps.

Answer 10

No you are not being petty and it will take a long time to feel right. My father apologised to me for being such a dreadful Father when I was young . I accepted his apology but didn't really forgive him in my heart and he died a month later without me being able to say that in spite of everything, I did love him. You can get counselling to help with your social skills and it would be really worthwhile so that you can start of enjoy life to the full. Good Luck

Answer 11

Maybe you could forgive her but I don't think she can expect you to ever forget about it! Obviously it's caused you a lot of problems in later life and I'm sorry to hear that. She was obviously a very screwed up woman with problems of her own to have put you through that agony. I do believe that people deserve a second chance in life. It seems that she's moving on and for her to move on fully she needs your forgiveness. Either you need to have some in depth chats with her about what she put you through or you need to get counselling. What would be ideal (and she owes it to you to do this) is for you both to attend counselling sessions together. That way you may both be able to see things from each others' perspectives.