why was i so stupid?

Question

i was in a relationship for 6 years to a guy who beat me raped me and controled me i was terrified of him, but pretended that everything was ok when we had visitors as i thought no one would believe me or they would blame with. any way my now hubby saw the bruises and took me away from it what i cant understand is why the hell did i stay with him and put up with it, i have seen him recently and i think you are not as scary as i thought you were he was pathetic actually, why couldnt i see him for what he was why did i let him control my life with fear, am i so bloody stupid most women would walk wouldnt they, im still not over it but my new hubby loves me and i feel safe and happy and loved now so i supose i came out of it ok.

Answer 1

Abusive relationships are very common. Far more common than you realise; In fact, 1 in 4 women may experience violence in their relationships with men.* In addition, more than 25% of all violent crime reported to the police is domestic violence of men against women, making it the second most common violent crime.** I put the statistics in to show that you are not alone. Sadly what you have experienced is common. Even more sadly, many women do not leave in time and die at the hands of their abusers.

Staying in a relationship is the consequence of an illness inflicted on the victim by their abuser. It is called the cycle of violence. I suggest researching and reading about other people who have had, and are in, similar circumstances.

One of the biggest problems in our society is a lack of understanding of domestic violence.

Your staying with him was not an act of stupidity. It was an act of desperation and fear. There are many reasons woman (and men) stay in abusive relationships. They range anywhere from economic circumstances, religious principles, fear of consequences (ie. the threat of custody battles, ect.), fear of being alone or even ideals taught in childhood about the sanctity of marriage or the belief that divorce is wrong. What concerns me is that you still blame yourself for his abuse. He hurt you. He has ultimately caused you to feel this way and you are still letting him control your feelings. Don't let him do this to you anymore.

One thing I VERY strongly suggest is to get counselling about your past. You need to see through this abuse. I commend you on leaving him. I am quite positive it was one of the most difficult things you have ever and will ever do. It took an extreme amount of courage and you need to be proud of yourself for doing it. I am so happy you have found such a loving man to help you though this. That is truly a blessing.

Understand as well that what you are feeling now is part of the healing process. Again, I want to strongly emphasize that you should seek support. There are many people out there who want to help you through this; you do not have to do it alone. And remember, you are stronger than him, take peace in knowing that the future is brighter for you because of YOUR decision to be so brave and leave.

Answer 2

You arn't stupid at all in fact you are very brave. Men like that brake you down and they twist and turn everything on you and the worst thing is you can see what is happening but because you have such low self esteem you can't stop it and believe it. You are a barave and strong woman who has come out of this relationship and found happiness again you should be very proud of yourself. Some women never find it in them to leave their partners but you did and congratulations.

Answer 3

No you were not stupid. It's hard to end a relationship, it's even harder to end a vicious relationship like the one you had. Don't feel bad for what happened in the past. You were probably just afraid he'll beat you to dead if you were to leave him. Thank God for the person you now have. Best wishes!

Answer 4

I really dont know how to answer this. I want to cry. i dont wish any of this on anyone. its pathedic but maybe you seen something in him and you hoped he would change. and your probably scared that death would be the next thing. Girl tell me your out of this relashionship..because once you become in one. you actually permentally stay scared and running away from every single thing in terror. Im glad you found someone that treats you right. We all do stupid things but im glad you realised it. and found someone that is meant for you..congradulations. your brave..and its the light for the rest of us that go through what you went through. You never open your eyes untill something better comes along. its ok. your not stupid..Your just now realises whats meant for you and whats not. its now finally time to live your life.

Answer 5

Most of the case that I know .. usually the girl feel scared, and generally they have self-esteem issue, also they are afraid of the "unknown" because being with this abusive man is at least something they know of, they are too scared to get out of it and be by themselves.
Don't be too hard on yourself, just be glad that you are out of it and you now have someone who is loving and you are happy.

Answer 6

Do you think a man who raped who deserved respectand beat you love you. A man who loves his wife will protect her but not hurt her. Talk this to someone else or some woman group they may help you. Good Luck!

Answer 7

same thing here but i got away myself with 3 children, i know what you are saying because now i see him i think why the hell did i put up with it, i think they control us so much that we feel that we cant cope on our own but really we can its only until we see we can then we leave them, i got remarried after 10 years and i don't think that people that do have abusive relationships really do get over it

Answer 8

I would not say posting this crappy stuff on here was 'coming out of it OK' You do sound like the sort who attract this and quite frankly deserve it too

Answer 9

you allowed him to control you, to hurt you. you liked it maybe, why it took 6 years?

Answer 10

no you aren't stupid but you must take decisions faster than that