Children sleeping at mother-in-laws? How young is to young?

Question

I am under a bit of pressure to allow my 3 children to sleepover at my in-laws house. They are aged 8, 6 and 4.
I have explained that although they are more than welcome to take children out for the day, I would prefer them to be in their own beds at night time. My husband while he doesnt agree with me, backs me up. However my mother in law simply wont take no for an answer. She keeps asking even though I have said I will let her know when I feel they are ready. (especially my 4 year old)
The thing is, she very rarely takes me up on the offer to have them during the day. Instead its a constant request for the night time sleepovers. Its getting a bit annoying! I really want to get along with her, but I feel really pressured. She rang this arvo to ask again, I said no and suggested a day out. She said she'd ring me back when I had a chance 'to think about it'. What is going on??? Am I being totally unreasonable? Or should no mean no? Honest opinions please!

Answer 1

I'd just flat out tell her that you don't appreciate her pushyness. No means NO and its your children, not her's. I understand your reluctance, and I think its good how you've stood up against her. Just her pushyness would make me nervous. It sounds like its become more of a button to push than a real desire. If she wants them, then daytime should be enough. Keep telling her no. Its good for a grandparent to learn that word!

Answer 2

When my husband and I married I already had 2 children then we had a 3rd together... The older two have been having over night visits with grandma since a few weeks after the wedding.. They were (7 and 8 when we married ) the youngest had her first overnight (in fact 3 night) visit with grandma when she was 1 week old.. I developed a massive infection and was hospitalized grandma and great grandma took all the kids while I was down...

My mother in law however readily takes all the kids for day visits quite often... So I feel no qualms about her taking them for visits whenever..

I can understand your trepidation as your mother-in-law seems only interested in overnight stays which is a bit odd.. If you decide to allow a visit try a visit with just the oldest child first, make sure to have the talk about what is and is not appropriate before the visit make sure you child knows he/she can call at anytime and you will come get them... When the child arrives home ask detailed questions about the visit...

If however you do not feel comfortable with overnight visits continue to say no they are your children and you get to decide...

Answer 3

Before reading your details, I was going to suggest that those ages are totally ok to be at their grandmother's overnight. After reading how demanding and pushy your mother-in-law seems, it's a bit disturbing.
Why does she only want them at night? Is it that she can't get enough of them?
More importantly from what she wants is, do your KIDS want to spend the night at her place? If they're constantly begging you to let them sleep-over, and she doesn't live TOO far away, then it's ok. Your 4-year-old might be a bit young, but i'm sure he/she will be ok knowing that the siblings are there too.
It also depends on the circumstances: If your kids have been there all day, and are having so much fun that they don't want to come home yet, then yeah-- let them spend the night. Or if you and your hubbie want the night out, and don't know when you'll be home, sure-- let them spend the night at grandma's. But just going over to spend the night? It doesnt make much sense. They'd be sleeping away potential quality-time with grandma.
Be glad that your husband supports you. If you don't feel comfortable with it, then that's reason enough.

Answer 4

I am in the same boat as you. My Mom in law wants my son to spend the night with her too. I will not allow it for 3 reasons. #1. I will not allow any of my children to spend the night anywhere until they can verbally ask and understand where they are going. My son is 3 and really can't talk yet & has never been away from us at all. #2. She lives very far way. There is about 600 miles between us. She lives in LA, Ca. & we live in Redding, Ca. And she only comes up 1-2 times a year. #3. When my son was 6 weeks old, she left him in his stroller by himself outside a store. I will not allow her to ever be "alone" with any of our children again.

If you don't feel right about it then don't do it. They are your kids and not hers. She needs to follow your rules or not see them at all. No means no!!! Stick to your guns girl!!! You are a good mom.

Answer 5

Susie's right, children this young should be watched in their own home, not for God knows how long in Grandmas while you have your baby. At least that way you could set up little meals for the kids in the fridge, making sure it's balanced, even a pot pie frozen would be better than cereal twice a day. Label them with Sharpie for each kid. Your husband needs to step up on this one, you're about to pop, have hormones and do NOT need this kind of additional stress. Tell him to talk to her, just say that you BOTH think it would help the girls more to stay at their house, and say MIL is more than welcome to use your bed (dh can change the sheets when you come home!) Make up a schedule for eating and naptimes, and maybe some little rules that you have. Just say that you appreciate her watching the kids and that you thought this would help.

Answer 6

I think the problem here is that you've both dug your heels in here and both of you seem unwilling to compromise in the least. I think you've both become resilient to any options (hence her snooty "I'll think about it" to the day out, and you being totally unwilling to even try it out).
I really think you should speak to your kids about it. At 4, 6, and 8, they're definitely old enough to say whether they want to go or not (and, I'd suspect that the two older ones definitely would like to - it's an adventure!). I started staying overnight at my grandparents' as a baby, and went to Michigan for two weeks with my grandma when I was three. My sister wasn't really comfortable even staying overnight until she was about four or so, so, it would depend on your child. I would suggest letting the older one or two go as a "try it out" option, and see what happens. At the worst, you will get a call from the kids asking you to pick them up. And then, you'll be able to tell your MIL, "I'm sorry; we tried, but they're just not ready yet," and give it a few more months or so. At best, you'll get a free night every now and then, and your children will get to have the special relationship with their grandparents that a lot of kids just aren't able to have nowadays due to distance. I really think the older two would really like to stay over, though, especially if YOU make it seem positive. I've always had a GREAT relationship with my grandparents, and very fond memories of staying overnight with them (both sets lived within an hour of me growing up, so, nearly every weekend, I went)
My husband and I have to go to a miltiary event next week, and the baby (4mos old) will be staying with grandma and grandpa for three days. I NEVER got along with my MIL, but she's WONDERFUL with the baby, and we drive the 4 hours to see them at LEAST once a month for a weekend or so. I'm not going to deny my baby the chance to have very involved grandparents if they want to be involved just because I don't get along with my MIL (and, btw, the MIL relationship has really improved as well, as a result of my willingess to bring the baby to them).
And, as long as they don't do anything actually dangerous, make sure you let grandparents relax the rules a bit. Yeah, they probably shouldn't have half a dozen cookies for dessert, but if it only happens at grandma's, it's ok. Ditto for extravegant toys, outings, staying up late, etc. That's what grandparents are for; spoiling the kids. :-)
Give it a shot, see what happens, and then, if the kids don't WANT to (not if YOU don't want to), then you can at least tell your MIL you tried.
Good luck!

Answer 7

I agree with who said ask the kids and go from there. My 3 yr old does overnites with his grandma. And my older girls would be able to go to theirs if she was able to do it. I am a great promoter of fostering relationships within the family. I feel that it only benefits the kids. Unless you have a concrete reason not to (like they would be in danger). The first time is always the hardest. But it also allows you and hubby to have time alone to foster your own relationship without the kids around. It could be a welcome break if you let it. Good luck with your decision!

Answer 8

Welll the day/night gimmick sounds a bit strange, but all your kids are old enough for an 'overnighter'...in fact it's a good thing, you get a break and they learn to be away from mom and dad!

Answer 9

They are certainly more then old enough. My kids started sleepovers at friends houses at 4. Your 8 year old should have already started with sleepovers.

Answer 10

Why is this even a problem? They are her grandchildren and like most grandparents she wants to spend time with them. What difference should it make if it's during the day or for overnight? Maybe she wants to make them a nice breakfast or something.