can you help me say no?

Question

my grandmother in law wants me and my 6 yr old son to live with her when her husband dies, which will be soon. she feels like she is not well enough to take care of herself but i beg to differ. also i don't feel it is my place to wait hand and foot on a demanding woman who has a perfectly capable daughter and granddaughter. I think the only reason she wants me is because i have helped her before and i am a big pushover and she knows it. So please help me think of a way to tell her no in a polite respectful manner.i don't dislike her i just don't see how it is my place ,i have a mother who is only ten years younger than her and when she is ailing then will be my time to help.

her grandson is here with me but is more than happy to send us packing if she needs us, as in he stays in our home>.>.i plan to divorce him and am afraid i will be stuck with his grandma due to guilt if i don't do it soon enough. but i have to wait 5 months before i will have the funds to get away.

Answer 1

Time to grow a back bone. No, is a complete sentence and thought. When she says, "Come live with me." Say, "No, I'm sorry that is not possible." She will ask, "Why not?" Say to her, "You need to make other arrangements, I will not be able to help you the way you want me too."

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! Its your life, live it the way you want to live it. Not by the expectations of others.

Answer 2

Is there any chance you're not giving Grandma-in-law credit for being more decent and unselfish than you realize? Is there any chance Grandma-in-law knows all is not well with you and her grandson and is thinking if you need a place to live with her great-grandson it could (in her mind) be a win/win situation?

I'm not saying this is you, but sometimes young people have some image of what older people are looking for; when, in reality, sometimes even the elderly and sick individual still feels young on the inside and still would like the chance to be able to help a family member. Also, if her husband is about to die she is probably afraid of how she'll feel alone in the house; and maybe she's thinking (again) "win/win" situation.

You could put together some information for her on what is available for people who are alone and may benefit from someone to keep an ear or eye or to stop by and make sure they're ok. Then just tell Grandma-in-law, "I wish staying with you were something I could do for you, best you know how much I care about you, but right I just can't. I'll tell you why some day."

If she has the daughter, granddaughter, and grandson they need to work something out. There are services available for elderly people, and a local senior citizens group could give information.

A couple of other thoughts: If she is worried about being alone (either because of how she feels or because of imagining having to deal with losing her husband alone) maybe you could at least make sure that between all of you she isn't left alone for a while.

Also, if your mother is 61 - unless she's sick - she's still (difficult as it may be for you to see) reasonably young. Don't make decisions based on her needing you at some point (unless you know she's sick) because she could be fine for another twenty years (give or take).

Finally, it occurs to me that if Grandma-in-law has asked if you'd stay with her she has to know all is not well with you and her grandson. You may (if it is appropriate under the circumstances of her health) want to explain that, as she knows, all is not well with you and hubby; and you just worry that if you were to separate it would be very awkward to be living with an in-law. You could assure her you'll bring your son to visit often.

Answer 3

Sorry, I can't help you say "no", but I think you should. Talk to the daughter and other granddaughter and tell them that you are not in a position to help. This is a family matter. It's not entirely up to you. If she is not well enough to take care of herself perhaps you can contact a local social service agency to check out the situation. That would, at least, help establish any real need.

Your first priority is your son.

Answer 4

oh dear... well if it were me I'd say that you are flattered that she thinks of you that way, but you are divorcing her grandson and that your own family will be needing you soon enough. You could say it's not that i don't ant to help her but you cannot make yourself available to everyone, you have a son to raise and your own mother to care for, and your own life to live, especially if you are going to get a divorce.Just have to be upfront and honest, otherwise you and your son are going to have a very miserable life by the sounds of it. Do it sooner rather than later, to get it over with.Don't worry what they think, cause people who are like that , are not worth worrying over , cause they sure as hell don't care much about you. I wish you all the best. :)

Answer 5

You don't owe anybody an explanation as to why you choose to not live with someone and care for them. Either you want to live with her and care for her from the goodness of your heart, or you don't. I personally understand you not wanting to live with her. You are raising a son of your own, and caring for a child is a full-time job. You shouldn't feel obligated, just tell her that you have your hands full raising your child at this time, and you need to live on your own and concentrate on doing what is best for yourself and your child.She is a grown adult, if she needs help, she will find someone either a professional or ask a friend or willing relative to help her. If she is a good person, and loves you, she will understand and respect your decision. Bottom line is, you need to do what is best for yourself and your child.

Answer 6

You are right, just say no. Remember you are an adult and you do not have to explain yourself. Tell her you need to spend more time with your own mom and just cannot handle that move.

Don't let her guilt you into it.....seriously. Being a pushover is born out of insecurity and wanting to have people like or approve of you. Don't let that happen or you will end up with a life sentence.

Answer 7

Oh how I know what you are feeling. Do not go directly to her. Go to her daughter and granddaughter and tell them they will have to deal with it that you have your own mother to take care of. In this situation it may be impossible not to make someone mad.

If you are planning on divorcing your husband, let your grandmother in law know that things are rocky in your marriage right now and that you plan to divorce her grandson. Tell her to ask him to come and live with her and you keep your house.

Answer 8

You have to be upfront with her , tell her you want to live your life with your son in your own space . Maybe thanksgiving dinner would be a good time to bring this up if her daughter is a the table

Answer 9

just dont commit to help her, be evasive and never say yes. better still avoid contacting her and dont pick her calls, especially if u r planning to get a divorce, dont be stuck with an in-law and dont let yourself feel guilty about it. just be strong in your decision and let no one influence u. u can be polite and explain to her that she will be better off with her daughter or grand daughter to take care of her, than a grand daughter-in-law. just be polite but firm. be assertive. good luck.

Answer 10

Family should be #1 in your life. The last thing you should do is lie to family. Be honest and tell the truth. She is a grown woman and should be capale of understanding the truth when you tell her.