Do you ever heal after losing a loved one?

Question

I lost my Mom to Breast Cancer this summer at the age of 71. I tried hospice where I live but all the wanted to do was send me to a support group. My mom's passing was not a peaceful one due to the Caregiver who took care of her drank on the job and smoked around my mom while she was on an Oxygen machine. No recourse against caregiver hired by Aunt, Private contractor. Nothing i can do now Mom is gone. Still have anger at my Aunt. Part of me wants to let my aunt know how angry I am the other part why bother Aunt is an Alcoholic it will fall on deaf ears.

My Aunt drank on my Mom's porch / patio while my Mom lay inside dying all alone. I will never forget that nor can I forgive that she held a mini wake while my Mom was still alive. I had been out with my Brother helping him clean his place while My Aunt, the caregiver and my Mom's best friend drank outside. This really disturbed me. My Aunt hasn't been my Aunt to me in years so the lost of a relationship wouldn't be that big of a deal. The hurt I feel that doesn't want to go tears me up though.

The Caregiver was paid to provide
a service to my Mom, she did not provide that service. She yelled at me in front of Mom over a stupid Toliet Chair, I have 13 yrs experience in the health care field, I h
ave more training than this caregiver. She yelled at my Mom while i was there because i turned up the O2 machine because my Mom needed it. She lied to my Mom and told her the o2 machine would make her die faster which was a lie. My Mom was already dying it came down to quality of life at the end and this woman didn't provide that to my Mom. She took advantage of a dying woman which i feel is wrong. No AGENCY so I have no recourse against caregiver. My Aunt won't get the help for her drinking it has been in the family for years. My aunt said some very personal nasty things to me before, and after my Mom's death. Since I have come home again now she wants to be friends, guilt perhaps?

Answer 1

First Off I'm very sorry to hear of your loss! I'm going through the same thing as you right now different circumstances of course but I just lost my father 5 months ago he was only 60. You can join a support group if that's what makes you feel better some people just don't feel good about sharing things with perfect strangers.I can however tell you that the best way to heal is to talk! Talking is the most therapeutic thing you can do!Some people just aren't communicators and its very sad because if you don't talk about things they just build and build inside of you and bring out other issues! You said your upset with your aunt but you feel like if you tell her it will fall on deaf ears. Chances are your right it wont make any difference to her But it will make a world of difference to you so tell her Hun! Its not gonna stop the pain of losing your mother nothing can but it will def make you feel better for being the one to say hey my mother deserved better than this ! You will feel pain always you never get over the loss of a loved one it eventually gets easier but we never completely get past it because we love them and to get over them would be to forget them and we will never do that! Time heals all pain and it lessons the hurt but how much time I couldn't say.I miss my father everyday some days are better than others but I miss him none the less! I found that when It gets really bad and I'm thinking of him alot then it is time for me to go visit him so I go and I feel better for a while somehow I feel as if hes calling me and hes not happy until I go! Keep your mothers memory alive always! and if you don't want to go to a group therapy session then talk to your close Friends and family about things thinking about the good times and the good memories always helps A thought of your mother that makes you smile can always help you get through the rougher days! If your married talk to your husband about things because its OK to miss her still and it will still be OK in 20 years theres no time line on grief! I really encourage you to talk about it Hun because I know from experience in other issues in life even that talking is the best medicine! I wish you the best of luck with his Hun keep her in your heart and in your mind and she will forever be here with you and chances are shes most likely looking over your shoulder right now as a guardian angel who looks over you....Brightest of Blessings to you dear...Witchy

Answer 2

Losing a loved one do takes some time to heal, especially if you both are very close. Yes you do heal after losing a loved one, death is part of this life, and if you are spiritual you will understand, if not, then you need to know that everyone included you will have to die one day and the only way for you to understand all of this and not be so wary, you need to know Jesus as your Savior and you must be save in order to inherit everlasting life, after leaving this life. If you can get a hold of a bible, King James Version (KJV), read John 3:16, when you read this you will be healed from what you are going through. It is good to mourn for a time for a loved one, but after a while, life must goes on, only memories is printed on our minds and heart theat remembers the days that when a loved one was alive, this is to remind you that don't take life for granted, lived it right and well.

Answer 3

Since your mom is gone, if you need closure, you could write the aunt a letter, but be prepared for it to end your relationship with her.

You don't ever heal completely, but you heal enough to go on and even laugh again some day. It's too soon now, but it will come. I lost my mom when I was 15, I am 55 now and the other day I was sitting her at the computer and suddenly I wanted my Mama. I miss her so much somedays, and other days it gets tucked in the back and I am okay.

Answer 4

Sorry about the loss of your mother. I lost mine 6 years ago and I am still healing from it. A part of the healing process is to forgive your aunt. I know this the hardest thing to do, but it is the best. You do need to let your aunt know how you feel because that will help you start the healing process faster. However, it takes time. Take it one day at a time, and seek counseling. There is nothing wrong with counseling. It has helped me through my darkest days.

Answer 5

I am very sorry that you lost your Mom. You say that it wouldn't be a great loss of a relationship with your Aunt? Then go for it. Put her in her place. What she did was cruel and insensitive. It was like she never even cared about your Mom. Tell your Aunt that she is going to die alone with her bottle because it appears that is all she cares about. You have to get the anger out. How dare she hire someone like that? You must be in so much pain! Let her go from your mind and your life.

Answer 6

I am sorry for your loss. Yes, you do "heal" but it doesn't take away the void. I lost my dad last Thanksgiving day to cancer. Fortunately for him/us he died at home being lovingly cared for by my mom and my brother.
As for your anger with your Aunt...in spite of the fact that it may fall on deaf ears due to her alcoholism...you still should express to her how angry and hurt you are. Harboring those kind of feelings is dangerous to you...physically and emotionally.
You may want to try that support group or counceling if you need to talk to someone who can help you with the anger and sadness.
I have come to the place where I feel that ...while I miss my dad and the void of not having him in my life hurts, but I am happy that he is no longer suffering and in pain.
You will come to that place one day....it takes time...but you will get there. Good luck and God bless....:o)

Answer 7

i think that you need to first figure our what your feelings are.
grief is a process it usually has 5 stages denial / anger / guilt / depression / and acceptance first you won't believe the person close to you has died then your mad at them or someone or something that they died than you feel guilty for feeling the anger then you have a period of depression then you accept they are gone this may take days weeks or months and you may feel all or some of these . it seems your angry at the care giver now and it is all part of the process. i think that if you go to a support group that being around like minded people and concealers that the process will be sped up and you can at least talk to others about how you feel.

Answer 8

It may fall on deaf ears, but if you write her a letter, it won't fall on blind eyes. You need to tell her how you feel, but also in your writing, remember that your aunt lost a sister.

It's ok to be angry, and even if you don't give the letter to your aunt, you will still be all the better for writing it down, and making some peace within yourself.

Answer 9

you will heal, with time, you will definitely heal. but the scar will never leave you. you will never be erased of the memories with your mother.

since your mother has passed on, i hope you find ways to cool off your anger. there is no point pondering over the "what if" questions. all of these may seem cliched and overused as advices but they are timeless.

now help your aunt with her battle with alcohol.
may your mom rest in peace.

Answer 10

i've lost my mom too but unfortunately, its been 5 yrs & i have not healed yet. Im still "down" there. Friends, relatives & even professional help did not make me better.