I need help with my 12 year old twin girls!!?

Question

I feel like a total failure as a parent. I can't get my daughters to do anything I ask them to do. Whether it's to pick up after themselves, take their clothes off the stairway and up to their rooms, or just anything I ask. I don't ask them to do chores, just to clean up after themselves. Their father and I have yelled and threatened and nothing works. My main problem is most of the time one of the twins won't do what I ask and the other one will and then I feel quilty punishing the one who doesn't. I say they can't go anywhere until it's done and I end up taking them anyway. Sometimes I get so depressed, I refuse to clean the house because I know it will get dirty again right away. Where do I go from here, I am tired of being a push-over! Please help!

I am overcome with emotion after reading all of the answers from many of you. I didn't realize there were so many wonderful people in this world and appreciate you taking the time to help me with my problem. I am going to do exactly what you advise and hopefully there will be a big turn around in a short amount of time. I am grateful to all of you. God bless!

Answer 1

12... ya gotta love it.. and TWINS! wow.. I have ONE 12 year old, and I can tell you she is bull headed. She is/was doing everything that they are doing. Here is what I did, and you HAVE to stick to your guns, if you dont, they know they can walk on you and at age 12, that is not a good time for them to learn that trick! Sit them down and tell them: "I am going to take a trash bag and pick up your clothes and things that are laying around. You will not have access to them untill I see you starting to help around here." Take the clothes or whatever else and hide it and DO NOT let them have it. Keep doing it everyday. If they dont do chores, take TV away. If they dont do.. blank blank.. take away the phone.. keep taking away, and DO NOT BUDGE! You have to take over your house again. They will easily take you over. With two of them, they are a team and are much "stronger" than you are. You have to put your foot down and take charge! Please do this now, because when they are 17 they will be walking out the door, and have no regard to the rules that you have set in place. Dont be depressed (easier said than done I know). You are the adult.. and YOU are in charge.. NOT THEM. That is YOUR house and they have no business treating it like they do. Making them be a part of the family teaches team work with is very important. Being a family is like being at work. When everyone does their part, it is like a well oiled machine. Take it from me.. IT WORKS.. My daughter was down to 2 pairs of pants and a few shirts before it hit her.. and BOY was she on the stick to get them back.. Set some rules and enforce them.. YOU ARE THE MOTHER! Good Luck.... argh age 12 haha.. God Bless!

Answer 2

First of all you want to make them accountable as seperate people not "the girls" or "the twins". If you see that one is working and trying to follow directions...reward her. And let the other get punnished alone. I don't have twins, but I do have three girls with a 5 yr gap between the oldest and the youngest...

My middle one (she's 12 too) leaves a trail through my house...I can tell you where she has been and what she has done just by what is where. It is a battle of wills and you can't loose now! My husband and I have a personal rule to never make a threat that we won't follow through on...ever. And sometimes it is a total pain in the neck for the family...ask my oldest when she missed an entire season of Softball because that was the year that she felt that homework wasn't important. Her sisters played ball that year and she had to go with me to every game...and sit and do homework...when she wanted to play...it was miserable. But she learned her lesson...homework hasn't been an issue since and she hasn't missed a season of softball since (it's been 4 years!).

Don't take them anywhere until the job is done. And if you notice one never works (my 12 yr old is the slacker here) make sure she does her fair share...you don't want her growing up thinking that her sister or you will always be there to pick up her mess.

Chores at their age are a good thing...even if there simple like the dinner dishes or taking out the trash...it takes team work to keep a house and family flowing smoothly and they should partisapate in the process at that age. Especially if you are taking them to activities/events/shopping all the time. Nothing is free and they need to start learning that..

Pick your battles carefully...maybe cleaning their rooms is something you only want to address once a week...then sit where you can direct/supervise so they can't just listen to music and shove stuff in the closet. My 12 yr old can clean really well when I sit on her bed and talk to her and "coach" her while she works...

We will all get through these teenage years...and someday they will be complaining about THEIR kids and we can sit back and laugh at the memories!!! Hang in there!!!

Answer 3

I'm going to use a Dr. Phill'sm here! You have to figure out your children's currency. Set down with your girls and lay out a new set of Rules. If there are clothes on the stairway, you will remind them once. Then if you pick them up the girls don't get those clothes back. Or you can tuck them away until they EARN them back by following those rules,or If they pick up without being ask, things like that will earn those things back (a few at a time mind you). Same thing with other items. If one has earned the outing then the ONE gets the outing. Call a neighbor or friend to sit with the other one and make sure they don't get to have any -out of the ordinary fun -so to speak. Now is the time to get this rule change set up and the consequences of the breaking of the rules so to speak. Before they hit that teenage hormone change. It won't take long before they figure it out! Stick to your guns. They've mearly figured out that they get the good stuff weather they do what you ask or not. If they get it no matter what they do then why should they do what you want them to? So, Change that! Make a consequence that is real to them and soon they will be going out of their way to be good helpers instead of stinkers!

Answer 4

They're pubescing. It's "normal" threatening and yelling are not going to do anything but raise your blood pressure. Rule of thumb PICK YOUR BATTLES. Ask yourself "is this going to matter in 10 years?" If the answer is "No" let it be. If they leave their clothes other than in their room throw them away and do NOT purchase more. If they want to keep their clothes the will keep them contianed in their rooms. I never required my daughter to "clean" her room. I just kept the door shut and didn't venture in. Beleive it or not I actually caught her in the act of cleaning it without being told SEVERAL times. Limit ALL eating to the kitchen (this includes for mother and father as well, you are trying to set an example here not a "do as I say" moment). When they are finished with their meals they are to take their plates,cups, glasses, sliverware to the sink and either rinse it and leave it to be washed or place it into the dishwasher. If they can't do that don't cook for them. They are old enough to do simple "chores" such as clearing their places at the table, also it's time you taught them to do their own laundry. Show them how to use the machine and tell them that if they want clean clothes they will wach them themselves, teach them how to iron as well and DO NOT do it for them. First time they run out of clean undewear or they want to wear that "special" tee shirt and it has a stain they will learn. They're 12 years old not 2, time to give them some responsibility..

Answer 5

You are the parents, you are the adults and you had better start asserting yourselves more. Sounds like they have been ruling your home. You need to just lay out a strict schedule and stick to it, along with cleaning chores, etc. Positive rewards, not negative. Stop yelling completely. Threatening doesn't work, so don't even go there. Perhaps parenting classes would help the two of you. You are setting the girls up for bigger trouble ahead if you don't get a handle on this now.

Answer 6

PArt of it is the "age of rebelion" part of it is you feeling guilty. If you feel that badly about punishing one then give rewards instead of punishments. Stop yelling and threatening, it's a waste of time and all it accomplishes is...nothing! Your children will figure it out just give them some time to realize that you are not going to do things for them if they don't. Just clean up everything that is not theirs and then when their freinds see it too they will be more apt to pick up after themselfs. I have tried this and it worked for me! Kids don't like to be embarassed by their own actions so take a deep breath and tell everyone the taxi is on vacation.

Answer 7

You have to stop being a push-over immediately. You are doing your kids a disservice by not setting and maintaining boundaries. By taking them out even when they disobey you, you've taught your kids to disrespect you.

Sit down with your husband and draw up house rules and repercussions for for breaking the rules. When your daughters break the rules follow through with the punishment. When they follow the rules praise them. Do not back down and your husband has to be your ally in this. If he undermines you and doesn't enforce the rules it won't work.

Good luck and stand firm. Your kids will be better off for it in the end.

Answer 8

If they want some thing, and you say you wont take them unless they do something, and they dont do it. Then dont take them.

Honestly, it sounds like they didnt get spanked when they were younger. There too old to spank now, by the time there 12 they should all ready have all the rules engrained in them. My mom spanked me when i was little, and it worked wonders. I usually do what she says, i have good manners, and i pick up after myself.And this all is coming from a 15 year old kid.

As for what to do now, dont everything they ask you to. Your not obligated to. You provide them with food, and house, clothes. You dont owe them anything, and your not helping them by being a push over. They will go on in life thinking they will get everything handed to the on a silver platter, and thats not the way it works. You dont want them to be like that.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Lady! you are creating this yourself! Stop this behavior and start being a parent. Sometimes you have to use tough love to dicipline your kids. If you don't you are creating monsters. You are not setting a good example for them...they learn from you...

When you tell them to do something ..follow thru and don't give in.

They know you will. You will have the night mare of your life if you let these 12 yr old rule your life! what is wrong with you? Make sure you stick to what you say and be consistent. Children need consistency...you r making a big mistake. YOu must ground them for bad behavior, use positive reenforcement when it's necessarry..they know their chores...and they should do them no matter what! you are not helping them become responsible teens. If you continue not to dicipline them....they will ...i say they will walk all over you ( not they are not already) and it will be too late....you are their teacher and you are to be blamed for their behavior!!!! so stop this drama and do the right thing!

Answer 10

12 year olds will do that to you. You are tired. Talk to hubby about you getting away with your friends for a weekend, give yourself a break. When you get home lay it down. Whoever does not do as they are told misses out on whatever they love the most. You need to stick to this - they will be 13 and 14 soon enough. Dad can tell them when you are gone that they have driven you half crazy and guilt them out (why not?). YOU go out and leave them at home to do their part.