Are your children the most important people in your family or is it your wife/husband/partner?

Question

Should you always put your children first? I am a widower with a young child who had become closely involved with someone. She always insisted that the parents should put each other first before the children and believed it should be a given for our relationship should we ever live together or get married. It was something that I always struggled with and tend to believe that it is the parents' relationship that is most important, thereby making the children most important by providing a stable, happy family foundation. However, I think back to how things were with my late wife and mother of our child, and I think I would have always put her first.

Answer 1

ALL OF THE FAMILY IS LOVED EQUALLY !!!

Answer 2

I know this might sound out of the "norm" but I think it depends; because two parents should have a foundation in place where they know that they are always going to take care of each other, but once they have a child they should equally agree that whatever is in the child's best interest should come first. That being said, they together need to have that as a plan and then there would be NO need to choose between your child and your lover. I see from the endearment of what you write that this is how things would have been for you and your late wife.

In your case, with the child coming from a previous relationship I believe this is the exception the the rule. I am going to take a little Judge Judy moment here and steal some of her advice: You, the biological parent, are solely responsible for the care and well being of YOUR child. Anyone who gets into a relationship with you has to know that they get very little say in what happens with the child because they are the "outsider" who is coming into a ready made family. So my advice is that if this woman really loves you, she will understand that you have to put your child first because you are being both parents to him/her, and that even with her help, she will never replace your late wife to your child.
I hope this helps, good luck.

Answer 3

In a sense, it is a trick question. Here's why... They are two totally different types of relationships. We are not psychologically or physiologically designed to be devoted to only one other human being throughout our lives. W e have different kinds of relationships in our lives. The more powerful ones require different parts of who we are to deal with them and we are able to comply.

Legally your children come first because when we make the choice to bring children into the world, we are directly responcible for their well being and education. Biologically, they are totally dependent on their parents. And very rarely will a person not consider their children their closest and most profound relationship. This is as it should be. But, then there is the flip side: if you are to be the best parent you can be to your child, then you must be in good shape both emotionally and physically. For most people, having a loving and supportive partner can help them be at their best. We are biologically and socially hard wired to share our lives with others. If you can find such a relationship, this can add so much more to the well being of your children. If you are committed to your children...if you are in good shape and happy in part because you have a positive, loving relationship, your children will infinitely benefit.

It is kind of like asking a mother which of her children she loves best. There is no right answer because she loves each as she can. For one or the other party to insist that you devote yourself to one over the other is either emotionally immature (your children) or simply selfish (anyone else). It is more than worth the effort to find the balance that allows both.

Answer 4

I agree with you that a stable relationship/marriage only adds to the stability, security, and happiness of the children. A strong family balances together, with each being equally important and conducive to a happy family foundation. But the question implies that you have to choose. And in that instance,... my children come first.

The step-family situation is more complicated and more difficult to balance.... believe me. And there have been times when it seems like a tug of war between my child and my husband, and I'm the referree. Not a pleasant position to be in, but I try to defend the correct position.... not a specific person. If my son is wrong or out of line, I point it out... if my husband is wrong or out of line... I point that out too... but try not to do it in front of my son, so that I don't undermine his authority. Its difficult to balance sometimes.

Sometimes there are situations where people have to choose between their child and their new spouse....and no matter what you do or how hard you try, they just aren't going to get along. In that case, right or wrong,... the child should always take priority. They didn't ask to be in this world, have already lost one parent, and the remaining parent should do all they can to make sure they maintain the trust and security their children can only get from them at that point.

Answer 5

Children

Answer 6

I have been a single parent for 10 years, when my daughter was 11
I fell deeply in love with someone....2 years into the relationship they wanted to move to a new county.....I had the choice to go, but I knew that it would have been the wrong choice for my daughter, so I chose to stay and lost my partner.
It took me a long time to get over that relationship, and I do have regrets, but if I had to choose again I'd make the same decision...my daughter always has and always will come first.
She's nearly 20 now and will soon be independent and I now have a new partner who I love very much, who comes a pretty close second!!!!

Answer 7

I read somewhere that the most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mum. It is important to realise that the needs of children have priority where there is dependence on a parent but as the children grow older they need to see how important their parents are to each other to understand true, honest relationships. For kids to grow into healthy relationships of their own, the "monkey see, monkey do" scenario applies as to how they treat their own companions. I myself think my relationship with my husband comes first as the children learn to compromise and respect others' feelings too. But the most important thing is open communication where the children and parents can speak up about any problems they see.

Answer 8

If the parents' relationship is strong, it leads to be a good example to our children of what love is. There needs to be a balance, otherwise at some point you may have regrets about spending time with your spouse, and the same is true with your children. Obviously, when they are small, children just need that extra attention. It is difficult to tell you who should be in first. Quality time with both is the priority!

Answer 9

Yes children should come first (to a certain age like from birth to 19). However, depending on the child's age you can see when they are trying to ruin a relationship.

Answer 10

I would always put my children first. The reason being, is that they are biologiacally a part of me making me feel closer to them. In addition, who they become and how they turn out is my responsibility.

Answer 11

it depends.time i think shud always be made for your partner,therfore they come first at that time.but when ur with your child you make time for them.i honestly believe that having them both is two sperate things,your partner is not a kid and doent actually need you,like depend on you.your child does need you to provide clothes and food etc. your child should always be he apple of your eye,cos he/she will always be there.just make sure parenthood doesnt interfere with romance too much that it stops u getting anyone.do what you thinks best x