My gf was molested by one of my closest friends. I ditched him but She went for a while where she didn't want anyone(even family) near her. Now she is a little bit more understanding that we want to help. When she cries, she leans on my shoulder and I want to put my arms around her. when I do, she stays for a sec and then pulls away. She says it reminds her of what happened. What can I do?? She says she feels horrible cuz she knows Im trying to help but she doesn't want me to be wanting out but feel like I can't. She always is saying I could find someone else but I don't cuz I love her. I know she doesn't want to report it or see a counsler cuz they will put her in a hospital cuz she's 5'1 and like 90lbs. What can I do to change how she view human touch? Is she mad at me cuz I was at the place but didn't know? Could you maybe explain why she is so standoff-ish? Will she ever be normal again? She used to love to be held and touched but now it makes her scared. Can I do anything to help?
2006-11-05 08:29:27 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Does she think I am going to hurt her?? If so why??
She thinks I blame her for it. Why? Also she is a gymnast so she has to stay thin for season cuz she has to loose her period(or so her coach says) How long b4 she likes to be held or touched??
I hate seeing her like this. What sould I do when she talks about it?? She doesn't want to report it cuz she doesn't want to see him or have to relive it again and again with a shrink.
2006-11-05 08:30:48 · update #1
The best thing that you can do for her is be there for her... sadly this is something that she needs to get help with. Also, if she is a minor (under 18) I would incourage her to contact authorities.
Without going into things to far, she will probably keep trying to push you away... this is happening for several reasons... including testing your commitment, and ensuring your trust. Broken trust is a big part of what has happened, and it will take a long time to heal (if she even ever does... for some, this is a horrible thing that they can never truely get past.) I can not stress enough the fact that she really needs some professional help.
In the mean time, stand by her and be there for her... and hopefully she will accept the help she needs before she pushes away everyone who truely love her.
2006-11-05 08:38:53 · answer #1 · answered by Rose 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well first off, find that bastard and kick the living
S.H.I.T out of him, tell him that if he ever even looks at her again it will be much worse. Tell her that you in no way think it is her fault. Tell her that you love her very much and you will be there for her no matter what. Let her cry on your shoulder if she doesnt want to be touched then dont touch her. It will take some time but she will start letting you hug her eventually. She may never be the same again, but work with her, reassure her daily that you love her, and that you will not move on and that you will be there for her no matter what. Tell her that if she needs to see you or talk to you or whatever she can, no matter the time. Be there for her and be reassuring, when she talks listen to her. You might not always know what to say, but reassure her that your there for her. Thats what she really needs. Protect her from everything, if she feels unsafe doing somethings, then go with her to protect her. It makes since that she doesnt want to report it becasuse she doesnt want to relive it. It was a horrible expiernce for her. Work with her, be there for her and reassure her, and if she tells you that you can find someone else. Dont do it, tell her that you dont want to and that you love her and you will be here for her, you want only her and you will not find someone else.
I am sorry you and your gf have to go thru this.
2006-11-05 08:40:04 · answer #2 · answered by Don A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
God Bless You For Caring SO Much, and wanting to be there for her. Believe it or not that alone is a saving grace for her.
You MUST find a way for her to recieve some type of counseling. She needs professional help.
Please understand that you are doing everything that you can but it may not be enough to pull her through this. When a woman is raped or molested it leaves more than just physical scars. She loses her sense of security, and trust in men, and in her own judgement. She feels unworthy, ugly and a sense that it's her fault, that she did something to cause this to happen. Depression is a common symptom. That maybe why she pulls away and tells you that you could find someone else. She probalbly feels that she is no longer worthy of your love, or touch. If she confronts what happened and talks to a professional, she can learn to trust being touched, and love herself again. She can still have loving intimate relationships. None of this will happen if she doesn't recieve the help she so desperately needs. A person never moves on or just gets over it, you learn to live around it and not allow it to control your future. Finding a spiritual couselor to talk to is vital also. God can bring a peace and healing that nothing else can.
In his love she can feel love and compassion that no one else can provide. That is not a insult to your love, GOD's love is different.
Most women find relief and a sense of empowerment in reporting the attack. There are crisis hotlines to call if she doesn't want to talk with someone in person. This may provide an outlet to allow her to function and become comfotable with getting futher help. Just because she reports it doesn't mean she has to tell the police everything, but she needs to have a medical exam and test for HIV, and any other STD's. She must address the weight lose and what it will do to her physically in the near future, including affecting her Gymnastics career. If she trusts her coach that may be a place to start.
You are being a strong person through this. Giving her the lead to how and when she wants to be touched is important. Allowing her to share how she is feeling and what she wants is important. Keep letting her know that you will continue being there for her. Let her know that you still believe in her. She needs to know that you still find her to be beautiful and desirable. And that none of this is her fault, that she has a right to any feelings that she is experiencing. By doing this you will show her that not all men are going to hurt her, and that you are different.
You also need to find couseling. Look into organizations that help family members and friends of victims of violent attacks. These places address the fact that you are also dealing with a different trauma. Your feelings are important too, make sure to take care of yourself. You can't help her if your in pain and confusion as well.
In the end you can only suggest options to her, she must make the choices herself. Just trust in GOD, and in your love for her.
GOD BLESS and KEEP YOU. May you both find peace and comfort.
2006-11-05 09:35:51 · answer #3 · answered by Angy FFRTFC 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First let me start off by staying I’m sorry that we have people like that in this world, molesters. Then I must say that you are a true man and I thank you for that. Now here is the thing, your friend is going through something that only she feels the true damage from what happened. We can only image what she is going through.
What I think you can do is be there for her and when she wants to talk you listen. Don’t give any feed back unless she asks. That’s important to listen to her. Now this is the big test if she pushes you away you have to be strong and stay unless she truly don’t want to be with you because it hurt to much for her to look at you because she knows that it was one of your friends.
When this part comes about and it will let her know that you are not friends with a scum bag like that and would never approve what he did was right.
Please try to help her understand that if she doesn’t report it then he will hurt others.
Let her know that he is still hurting her by not letting someone help she. He still has power over her Jess, and she can release his power by getting help for herself. At 5’1 and 90lbs is not good. Now this will be a hard thing for you to do because of your love for her but, you must get her help she is not eating. She will love you for it at the end. There’s a reason why you’re still with her. What can you do to help her? Get her help know matter how much it will hurt you. Or she will dead in your arms.
I don’t want to scare you but 5’1 and 90lbs. help her Jess all that
love you will see again but much later hope I helped.
2006-11-05 09:05:04 · answer #4 · answered by SHAY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will never get over it unless she faces it. There is no other way. It will destroy every other relationship including yours with her.
If you let this person get away, there will be another victim, does she want someone else to go through this. By not telling she is telling the pervert that it is okay to violate her and she will allow it. Basically it is very simple, she needs to relive it again and again until she gets it out of her system... I know this first hand......She needs to seed a professional...
Your friend should be in jail, get on the phone and get her to the emergency dept so they can do a proper exam., unless you have let too much time pass.... You need to let her coach know..he will get her help, he ewants her to perform at her very best, he will convince her..... She is a person who has dreams and aspirations, she will fail if she doesn't get help now.. It will be playing over and over in her head and her concentration will be less than it should be... Family needs to be near her and also her best friend and bf. Do not expect anything from her... you will push her away if you do, This is not a joke, get her to help immediately and get that perve arrested and behind bars now before there is another victim........
2006-11-05 08:43:04 · answer #5 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seeing a counsellor doesnt mean that she would be immediatly thrown into the closest hospital...she needs to talk to someone about this, and dont feel bad that its not you...after suffering a rape victims often find it easier to talk to strangers than to family and friends, mostly because they are afraid of being judged...
I sugguest, and as silly as it might sound to you...do nothing...wait for her to come to you to talk, pushing her into talking may just end up pushing her away from you...I would sugguest however that she does report it to the police...this man who raped her should pay for his crimes...and again...she wont be thrown into the closest hospital just because she reports it...
Rape can be a hard thing for any woman to over come...if you really love her, stand by her and be patient, keep doing what your doing, small cuddles often, and loads of support, healing can take along time, let her lead the way...she will know when she is ready to cuddle for longer than a second...try romancing her again, make her realise that your not going to hurt her...romantic picnics with no strings attached...start with little things like holding her hand...
The most important bit of advice I can give is get her to a counsellor...
Hope this helps
2006-11-05 08:41:52 · answer #6 · answered by Anastasia 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No she doesnt think you are going tohurt her.
She needs time to heal. Her emotions are going thru hell and shes blaming herself. I know that may sound strange but she will be thinking its her fault.
If you dont want to involve the authorities, and I can understand the reluctance, you do need to be supportive. Thats about the most you can do.
The rest of the healing will come from her when shes dealt with her own inner feelings. Life goes on, and while she will never forget, time will ease the pain, it will never go away but it will ease.
Just be there for her, let her take this at her pace
2006-11-05 08:56:01 · answer #7 · answered by Deep Water 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you really can't do anything, time is the best thing that she has going for her. Books and movies that show what others have been through and how they healed and went forward may help her. Back off, find encouraging cards, poems pictures. Suggest day trips to fun places or quiet places but let her lead the way. God Bless her.
2006-11-05 08:36:14 · answer #8 · answered by Patty B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she needs to relive it, to put him in jail, so that she can get over it, and I know this sounds a little harsh but its kinda sorta selfish to not report it because would if he go's after another Innocent girl. you need to just be there for her, keep reminding her that you aren't going to hurt her and ask her to do sessions with you were she should try to stay in your arms as long as she possibly can, that will make it easier and easier. and if you love her and she is that unhealthy. then you should try to convince her to go to a hospital, while reminding her you will stay by her side.... you sound like an amazing guy so I have faith that you can do it,... this to shall pass. I know a person who got molested by this one dude, and its been years, still struggle, but are happy, & married, with kids. what ever you do DONT BACK OFF!!!!! that just makes it to easy for her to let you go because she thinks that she doesnt deserve you. Hope I helped. Bye
2006-11-05 08:45:26 · answer #9 · answered by KatieJB 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would have kicked the guys butt..just be patient with her and be there for her let her know how you feel..since she doesn't want it reported there is not much else you can do..I do agree with the notify the police on her behalf but if they ask her she can always lie to protect herself and in the process her attacker as well. Try telling her if he did that to her he may do it to someone else unless she comes forward to help stop him.
modify: Back off but not completely don't back off so much that she thinks you are abandoning her too.
2006-11-05 08:32:09 · answer #10 · answered by conundrum_dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋