I want to know a way to temporarily end my relationship with my sister.?

Question

Her daughter has a severe drug problem, she is shooting coke, and I am fed up with the way my sister is handling this. I told her according to research that an intervention is the only way that their will be a chance for her. She continues to buy her food when her daughter calls and says she is hungry. I told her that she is continuing to enable her daughter to use drugs because she is buying her food and her daughter don't have to worry about spending money on food because she has her mother there feeling sorry for her when she is hungry. I told her she needs to cut the relationship and tell her daughter that the only phone call she wants from her is one saying "can you give me a ride to rehab". I know I sound cold and insensitive about not wanting to talk to my sister anymore right now, but she is making me so furious that it is causing me too much stress. I don't want to end our relationship forever, but I just don't want to talk about how she is handling my niece anymore.

Answer 1

Let me guess, your not a mother. Yup I thought so. When you are you may have just a small understanding of where your sister is.

No matter how bad it gets you can never turn your back on your child. Of course she needs to begin making her daughter more responsible. But guess what....walking away from her will only make it far worse. Her daughter needs her to be a stable influence and if she walks away that as well as her daughters life may well go to.

I understand your frustration. I really do. But what your sister needs is to have someone she can come to and talk it out. You can better believe your sister is just as frustrated as you but feels she has no out. You take your friendship away and it will be that much harder on her.

Keep talking with her. Take the emotion out of it and just continue to give her the advice she needs to change things. Without you criticizing her she may very well begin hearing what you say.

Be your sisters best friend. Help her through this. You will never ever be closer. Please don't turn you back now. It may well mean everything to your sister and her daughters very life.

Answer 2

I understand your frustration, but from a mothers point of view, and I'm assuming you're not a mother, this is her only lifeline to her daughter. She can't stop feeding her just because she has a drug problem. If she was calling and asking for money, that would be a different story...but she is calling asking for food. Which means she is eating and continuing to live.
You are probably your sister's only outlet to vent to right now and it must mean the world to her. You probably have no idea!! Instead of "temporarily ending your relationship with your sister", when you feel frustrated after talking to her, why don't you go for a walk? Go to the gym? Beat on a punching bag? In the long run, you're there for your sister and that is what SHE needs!!! You're being there for your SISTER, not her niece. She's doing what she thinks she should do, just be there for your sister!!! Do what you can for her right now because I bet you it means a lot to her!!! I'm guessing she's a single mother, and I couldn't imagine dealing with something like that on MY own!!! Just be there for her. Good luck.

Answer 3

How old is your sister's daughter? If she is underage, she could simply pack a bag and drive her to rehab. Though I am guessing that she is probably of age and therefore this easy solution does not apply.

Though consider that you may be investing yourself too much in these relationships. Is there a way you could step back a little bit emotionally? I know it can be difficult, but I'm afraid that terminating your relationship even for a short time, could risk sending your sister even more deeply into her co-dependent behavior, instead of alleviating it.

However, you do need to take care of yourself. Because if you can't take care of yourself, you certainly can't help anyone else.

If you really need to end the relationship for a while, then simply honestly and tactfully tell her that you can't handle this situation anymore. Hopefully, she will understand eventually, if not immediately.

One last thought...any reason you can't get some of her daughter's friends and relatives to do an intervention even if it doesn't include her mother?

Answer 4

Take it from someone who has lived with addiction in the family. You are definately on the right track. The only thing that you are absolutely doing wrong is stressing yourself over issues that you have absolutely no control over.
An intervention will only work for your neice if she is ready for re-hab. I seriously doubt that she will get to that place in her mind soon with her mother enabling her.
If you want to conduct an intervention, then conduct one for your sister. Get in contact with an adiction councellor today, & organise an intervention for your sister with the councellor.
Your neice won't be ready for re-hab until she reaches her bottom. (Whatever that is) It may be the loss of a job, or a night in jail, or maybe even the loss of her mom as a soft place to fall.

Now back to YOU! Your sister isn't the one who is causing you so much stress. You get Furious & stressed because you choose to do that. The only person on this planet that you have any real control over is YOU! You can't control how your sister behaves with your neice, & neither your nor your sister can control your neice.

You are right about the things that you have said to your sister, your advice to her is dead on correct. So you've said what you needed to say, & now it's time to step back & let your sister put what you've said together with what she knows & make her own decision on how to handle it.

I am sorry to tell you, but you have done all that you can for THEM. Don't lose yourself in their problems. Look after yourself. Whatever you do toward that end will be the right thing for you.

Answer 5

Is she enabling her child? Maybe. But I don't know how I would act in her situation. Maybe this is her last lifeline to her daughter. She may feel that this is the only way to get close to her. Maybe you could take your sister to talk to a social worker and help her figure out a way to help her daughter.

Answer 6

i would just tell your sister that for the time or until she realizes that her daughter needs rehab that u dont want to talk to her or about her daughter have you thought about telling the law enforcement about what your niece is doing and you are not being cold you are doing what you feel is needed to be done and you should not stress your self out about something like that

Answer 7

I have served as a family support counselor for NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness), similar issues come up with mentally ill loved ones who refuse to stay medically compliant or try self medicating (using drugs and alcohol). What your sister is facing is one of the toughest decisions that any parent can face. How do you watch your child self destruct and not intervene? How do you let them face the consequences of their actions?

I know that from your position and mine the answers seem simple. But please try to understand how really hard this is. What your sister really needs is your quiet, persistent, support helping her to move to this position. She needs to allow her daughter to face her own consequences. She needs to know that she has the right to require that her daughter earn her continued support by complying with things like seeking help.

Until your sister reaches this position, there is no point in her threatening your niece with consequences. Threatening things you won't follow through on only makes matters worse. The person needing help learns quickly that your threats and requests they take action are meaningless.

You of course have rights too. You certainly can cut off communication if you want to, but perhaps consider a more positive step. Offer to go with your sister to a support group in your local area like Al-anon or NAMI where she can get support for herself and perhaps some answers as to how to handle the situation effectively. Make your continuing support for your sister contingent on her taking these kinds of steps to help herself.

I know this situation is frustrating. I also know from your note that you really would like to help your sister and niece out of this to a better life.

All the best to you and your family.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

So you're a believer in "tough love". I've seen too many people die out in the streets that had family who turned their backs on them because of the tough love theory. Enableing is when you allow them to use or furnish them with the substance they're addicted to. Do your sister a favor.Let her deal with her daughter the way she wants.At least her daughter and her are speaking to each other.You can't starve addiction out of her and tough love is no love. I've seen it myself.

Answer 10

You can never end a relationship , with your sister, stay away pray for her, Tell her why, that you have bed feelings for this, you have to remember that your sister loves her daughter, she just does not know how to deal with it.