Dealing with the person that killed your child?

Question

My son was killed 10 years ago by a drunk driver. This was the 4th DWI for the man, his third serious accident and 1st where someone actually died. My son was only 11 months old at the time he was killed, my sister was severly injured and has many disabilities from it as well. In the trial the man was sentenced to 5 years for vehicular manslaughter and lost his license for guess what 10 years. the other day was out in town and we saw him and I wanted to run over him. I was so mad he was already back to driving car. I have dealt with my sons death although I remeber on a daily basis but how can I deal with seeing this man and letting the anger go. I hate him I will not deny that but he does have a family and as fate goes his son and my daughter are in the smae class at school and actually friends. I deal with his kid as it isn't his fault what his dad did, but how do I deal with the father, even in court and since he has never showed any remorse for what happened.

Answer 1

How horrible ... My advice to you is get involved. Get a chapter of M.A.D.D going in your town, start a campaign to lengthn the jail term for people like him. Dont let your son die in vain. Teach others... help others. Keep busy with it.. learn about it... There are alot of people out there that have had more than one DUI and are still driving. Fight the system. Get something changed.. Show your son that you love him by fighting the demon that killed him. I am not speaking of the MAN, I am speaking of DUIs. As far as the man, I can understand your hate for him. However, HATE takes up so much energy. Use the hate, for good. Use it as energy to fight the laws in which let that man off so easily.. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless you and your family.

Answer 2

Words cannot explain what you must be going through on a daily basis. The man that was driving that car that day has a disease that wants him dead. It's called alcoholism. It is a disease of the mind and is the only disease that tells him he has no disease. I don't know if he is in recovery, (God willing, he is) I'm not telling you these things as an excuse for his actions. Every one should suffer the consequenses for their actions and I can bet most of us feel what he suffered wasn't enough to justify the life of your child. I do know the system has gotten a lot tougher since then on drunk drivers. I have watched many close friends die from this disease. I have a friend (that is in recovery now) that drove drunk one night and hit another car. The man in the other car lived but his pregnant wife was killed. My friend does not remember anything about the whole accident, he had blacked out. To this day, my friend has lived with the thought of killing another man's wife and unborn child. Of course he went to prison for a while and after he stopped drinking he had to go to the man and apologize to him for what he had done. I don't know what to say to you to help you live with the pain everyday. I can tell you, my advisor tells me that when someone hurts me that I am to pray for that person and ask God to help that person and ask God to help me forgive and be a better person today than I was yesterday.

Answer 3

My sympathy goes out to you and your family. Bless you for having made it through such trauma. Well as for this man, he should be in jail for the rest of his natural life! Our justice system is a not built for the right of the citizens! I would move if I were you. I know that seems drastic but, I would want to run him over too. He has showed no remorse for what he has done to you and your family, how could he be this way? You will never get back what you lost, and he gets to walk around and live his life as if all is well? Have you filed a civil suit? I would want his face plastered all over the own so that people know what he did. I don't know what to say to you about how to deal with it...I had a woman come to one of my college classes last year to talk to us about drunk drivers, he daughter (7 yr old) was killed by a drunk driver, she found a way to get over it was to become an advocate for MADD> She has learned to forgive the guy and focus on prevention. good Luck to you

Answer 4

I am truly sorry to hear about your son. I think that you are doing the right thing when it comes to the child because it isn't his fault. However I would try to avoid the father at all cost. I know that it may seem hard to do and a bit unfair that you may have to avoid him instead of the other way around, but that is the way "justice" works. Let me tell you that on March 17, 2006 my husband and I while coming from dinner and a paly were struck by a drunk driver. Luckily for us my husband was alert because had he not been he may be dead today due to the fact that the driver hit our suv on his side and the car did a complete 360. Luckily my husband saw him out of the corner of his eye and was able to speed up some and avoid being hit directly on his door. The driver got off because he is a police officer. One of the offficers that responded did not take his blood alcohol level with in the time frame that he was supposed to, in order to protect him. He got out of the car and could barely stand up or keep his eyes open and he swears that we ran a red light when there was a car in front of us that pulled out first. It is truly a shame the way the law works when it comes to drunk driving. They give offenders to many chances to repeat offend and a lot of times it ends up in a fatality. I know it may seem hard but you are going to have to try to avoid him and it is a shame because he should be in prison for the rest of his life like the rest of the murderers.

Answer 5

You have my sympathy as well as your sister. That is a terrible thing to have to go through and then to have the reminder living in your town must become almost unbearable at times.

Even though the man shows no outward remorse that you are aware of, he might have it internally. It is something he will have to live with all his life and answer for in the next.

The only thing I can suggest for you is to pray to God for help to work it out somehow. It is very true that hate and anger will erode the person holding them just as surely as if they had a disease. You can't change what happened, you can't change him, but you can learn to live for other reasons and move on.

I sincerely wish that drunk drivers would be locked up for life. No excuses, no second chances - period. If we had a law like that it wouldn't be too long before people stopped driving drunk.

All the best to you and your family.

Answer 6

You have every right to feel the anger that you do. You are much better than me because I could not see this man driving or not and not do something to him. I don't know what non-violent advise to give you. Just hearing your story enrages me as a mother. I am sorry for the loss of your son and for the pain you have to endure. The best thing I can tell you is to pray for peace.

Answer 7

courtroom-schmout. You gotta do what you gotta do, and it somewhat is no longer likely any jury might convict you (non everlasting insanity, etc). in spite of the undeniable fact that, evaluate the possibility of going to penitentiary for the the remainder of YOUR existence while your baby desires you around the main. Revenge isn't as candy as we predict of it's going to be. i'm sorry approximately your journey. needless to say you weren't left sterile, luckily, nor are ninety 9% of rape victims ("Sybil" being an exception). yet you % ideal counseling extra suitable than you % justice, i think of. And on your scheme of justice, evaluate that everyone sexual acts at the instant are not the comparable, that rape isn't inevitably violent, and that intercourse with a discern is very traumatizing because of the fact it somewhat is a discern, no longer what replaced into completed inevitably. the comparable acts with a ideal stranger won't be devastating in any respect. nonetheless, congratulations! desire you enjoy papa-hood!

Answer 8

Really sorry for the loss of your son, I know some of your pain. My son at the age of 19 was slammed in the face w/a baseball bat and not at a game either. It was just a prank pulled by a bully. I say I know some of your pain I can not ever know the deep pain of losing your child. I didn't lose my son but he lost himself for awhile.
I had to do something to calm my mind and soul before I committed a crime in revenge. I would lie in bed at night and picture the scene over and over in my head.
What I finally had to do was give it to God. The reasons vary but to be honest as long as I stayed angry w/this person then he had all my power to go forward. I had to claim my power to move ahead in life and put some of it in a place to go to when I needed to pray about it all.
I hope this helps you, like I said I don't know your real pain as my son didn't die from his situation but I had a glimpse of what it may be like there..
Good luck, if your not feeling better inside seek some help from your pastor or get in to see a professional.
sorry for all your heartbreak.

Answer 9

OMG that was the saddest thing I have ever heard and now your daughter is in the same class as the killers son I would take her out of that school before that same guy that killed your son kills your daughter

Answer 10

I would never forgive someone for doing that to me - no matter what his reasoning is. I think it is unfair to expect to be forgiven if you put someone and their family through that kind of trauma. Just hold your head high and if you run into him you let him know what a terrible S.O.B he is (not in front of his kid though). Some people are just f-ing losers and you remember that what comes around, goes around. One day he will have his day of judgment, in the meantime you just hang in there and be strong.