Why does my mum behave like this? Why won't she meet anyone/answer the phone etc..??

Question

I need some advice. I am a teenager and my mother behaves in a very strange/unusual way and I need to understamd why. Can anyone help? my mum hardly ever goes out of the house...apart from when she occasionally goes shopping..but even then it's ussually almost always to the same place. Also she goes for walks to the forest..but she always chooses to go purposefully when their are hardly any people and says that she hates it when there are lots of people about (she looks irritated/slightly annoyed when she says this) also she doesn't really have any friends to be honest and ahe doesn't go many places. Also when other people come around to the house, for example if someone is delivering a parcel she will put on a sort of false, bright, polite act and it's not how she normally is at all. Also...she never answers the telephone. my dad aways has to and I have never really known her to phone anyone other than her relatives and a few others. She also never really takes me out anywhere or teaches me about the world. she hardly seems to know how to raise me/what to say to me and she is quite cold at times. She doesn't get on with my dad very well neither now...the family is getting less and less normal..they don't sit down at the table to eat..etc..and they practically don't talk/live in different corners of the house. I simply going back to what I was talking about wondered why she behaves in this way...
My mum won't really tell me much about her past..she gets very angry if I ask too much about it..and I get so scared I dare not ask her anything else in the end.
I have asked my dad about my mum's past and he said that there was physical fighting in the house, that my mum's mum was always nasty and threatened her with knives and stuff (may have been if she wanted to go out on occasions) and my mum told me that she couldnt even concentrate on her schoolwork things were so bad in the house.(my mum never even went to college and doesn't even have the slightest clue what university is) I have also noticed that although her grades were good in school she doesn't seem to know very much about the world. someone told me that she just married dad to get out of the abusive situation at home.
I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!! WHY do you think my mum hardly ever will go out of the house now/won't meet people/doesn't have any friends/doesn't phone people/is anti-social (severely) I REALLY NEED TO KNOW. i have tried asking her but she went mad and she was terrifying. I am too scared to ask her...she denies she has a problem..she says (and so does my dad) that she simpy just doesn't like meeting people. ....but to me that doesn't really make any sense...there has to be a reason.CAN ANYONE OUT THERE provide e with any sort of answer as to why they think my mum behaves as she does?? The reason I need to know ois that it is starting to severely effect my life...e.g. I am not learning people skills or really getting brought up properly. t would really help me if I could UNDERSTAND WHY she behaves like this. can anyone help me? I am a teenager.

Answer 1

I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like your mother has a form of agoraphobia and is very depressed. She needs therapy and perhaps medication to deal with it. She also needs patience and understanding from you because this is not anything she can help on her own. Try to find someone you can talk to also because this illness can be as hard on the family as it is on the person who has it. Hopefully you can find someone, (an adult), at school or church, or even a friend's parent to help you or at least help you find help. There are groups for children with parents who suffer from mental illness, see if you can find one. Also, very very important, do not take her behavior personally. There is nothing you have done or can do to change this . . . . . she needs professional help. God Bless You. Let us know how you are doing. Many of us care.

Answer 2

I hate to say this, but there is no way to understand why your mom is the way she is. Obviously she is dealing with a very painfull past that she dosen't want to share with you. You need to really respect that. I know it is hard. My mother is very much like yours...and I do know bits and peices about my mom's childhood and almost none of it was good.

I know you must have a million questions, and your feelings are all confussed...I have been there...and frankly I am still there at times. You can't let it effect your life. You can get plenty of people skills at school and with your Dad. How can you say you are not getting brought up properly? You have use of a computer, are going to school, you sound like a very caring, friendly person so you must have a few friends...You just need to stop focusing on your Mom's life and start living your own.

Do you belong to any clubs or groups like Girl Scouts, the school band or orchestra? How about a computer club or a sport team like soccer, softball or tennis? Maybe your church's youth group... There are alot of things you can do to be around other adults that can be your friend and help you grow. Just look around.

Your Mom may or may not ever change. That doesn't mean you have to suffer for it. Respect her right to privacy, she has earned that. Leave her past alone and don't discuss it with other people. Live your life...get good grades, make good friends, go to as much school as you can and find something you want to do with your life. If you get upset about your mom write in a journal...that helps alot. Be happy little one...feel free to email me through yahoo anytime...

Answer 3

Lynne, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and smells like a duck, is it a swan? If these kids are your kids, take em and go. If they are not, give em back and leave or kick him out. He makes issues of your weight and has covert phone buddies and online friends he meets, then he is stepping out on you even if he isn't screwing them. You are his babysitter. This goes beyond whether or not you are the fat, needy girlfriend. Sounds like you have a pretty low self-image, so I suggest you find someone to discuss your problems with, and if you are concerned about your weight and the loyalty of your man, then there is only one person who can change those things..you. Just don't go at it half-assed. Go all the way. If you want to lose weight, take all the money you would waste on the man and buy a gym membership and a personal trainer to ensure you don't stop going.

Answer 4

your mother does not know how to act like a mother because she never had what you would call a real family life.your mother should have received some kind of counseling, and she still should. I'm really sorry that you go through this, i know it must be very hard for you. your mother does not know how to love, because she feels that she was never loved.you may never know all the details of your mother past or the thoughts and feeling she goes through every day. it is really sad, for me to read this knowing that a child needs the warm embrace of their mother. i can sit here and tell you that you need to relize that your mom had a hard life, but that really would not be fair of me or any one else to say. because at this point you are having a hard life. there are no real answers here. i wish that there were. grow up and remember how all of this felt to you as a child, and do the best that you can to be different than your mother, and her parents, and you will grow up to be a fine adult.

Answer 5

Do you have a school counsellor you can talk to? That might help make you feel a little better, and understand a little more. I agree with everyone else.. sounds like your mom is depressed, and possibly has a social anxiety disorder. Due to her upbringing, she's probably suffering through every day and she probably doesnt understand half of what she is feeling and thinking. You said that your dad just kind of waves your comments away... different generation, 'back in the day' alot of things were swept under the rug and not dealt with, it was just 'the way it was'. Its not her fault. Its not your dads fault. He probably knows in his heart of hearts, but he loves her.. and probably doesnt know what to do.
You sound like a good kid that just loves his family and wants a normal life. I would try talking to your dad again, be persistent, but dont fly off the handle. Be as adult as possible. Tell him what you need, and what you think, how you feel. He might be able to get through to her. You cant force your mom change, neither can he... but if you both love her enough she might see enough strength in herself to get help.. for you and your father, if she doesnt want to help herself.

Answer 6

Your mother went through an abusive upbringing and needs counseling, perhaps medication. Start looking outside the home for adult friends and mentors--you surely need them. My brother was married to a woman from an abusive family, and the marriage didn't last. She wasn't even as bad as your mum, but she couldn't learn to trust people. She eventually left the marriage and he had to raise the kids on his own. Her kids wanted their mother, but she was emotionally unavailable. I'm afraid the ability to really care about others is learned young, or not at all. You'll have to reach out to other people for what you aren't getting at home. I wish you the best; it's a very difficult situation. Your mother is afraid of other people because of her upbringing, that's where the anger is from.

Answer 7

After reading what you wrote there, it sounds like your mother is seriously depressed, perhaps due to her past, or maybe it has a medical cause - and continuing the way she is doing (isolating) herself is only going to make things worse.

What she needs is help, professional help - however the only way that is going to work is if she is aware that she has a problem. If you find talking to your mother about this difficult, try sitting down with your father or another family member and telling him how you feel.

Unfortunately the situation will probably not resolve it's self, and your mother needs help if not for her sake then for yours.

Answer 8

It sounds like you love your Mum very much and are sturggling to understand her. Your household has allowed her to survive under these conditions, Dad helps her. Please, do not judge her to harshly by standards that think are normal. Is she hurting anyone? Is she a bad mother? She probably has trouble in her personality, but you cannot change this. Accept her for who she is. Celebrate her good contributions to your life. You may need to talk to a professional for yourself, just to make sure you develope your own thoughts while not imposing "normal" on her. All the very best to you. Look for joy and you'll find it.

Answer 9

First of all, sweetie, damaging as it is to you, your mum's behavior isn't directed at you. She needs psychiatric evaluation, but I'd say she's profoundly depressed. The longer she goes without treatment, the worse it gets. She really needs help. Most abused children have tremendous difficulties connected with other people because their ability to trust has been shattered. It's not your mum's fault that she's anti-social, but neither is it yours and you shouldn't have to suffer for what others did to her. Her agoraphobia and paranioa are ways for her to deal with a scary world, but they aren't right for you (or her either, really). Listen, you can't fix your mom or your dad but you could go to your doctor and asking for help for yourself. There are organizations that help kids in the type of situation you're in. And, please realize you aren't alone. Many, many children survive mentally ill parents and go on to have better lives. I'm one of them.

Answer 10

She is depressed. She needs help NOW. Have you talked to her about the problem? Can you talk to another family member? You know like her brother, sister etc. My hart goes out to both of you.