My fil was just released after serving 6 years for having a sexual encounter with a nine year old boy. My husband wants to have some relationship with his father, I want NOTHING to do with this man. My son wants to know what he did, but we haven't really talked about NORMAL sex with our son- how do I explain what or why he did what he did??? How can I have this man in my life when I can't stand to look at him?? We found out this was not the first incident it's only the first time he was charged.
2006-11-04 15:44:20 · 15 answers · asked by mortinfo 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Please do not overburden your son with ALL the facts as yet.
It would be enough to tell him that his grandfather is sometimes mean to young boys and that it is not safe for him to see him alone EVER. Be certain you make it clear that he is not to go anywhere with grandfather.
Your husband is torn between loyalty to his father and his own family. He may not want to believe his father did that. HE MAY HAVE BEEN MOLESTED HIMSELF. Beware.
It is a shame it is illegal to administer truth serum to people like the FIL to get the truth. That would certainly simplify things.
Help your husband through this, do not make him CHOOSE between his son and father but by all means make it clear to him that you do NOT want the grandfather to see your son. Your husband might think it's alright to have supervised visits but you should talk to a counselor about that. I would be reluctant.
With proper therapy the FIL may in time be able to understand what is wrong with his behavior but that will take some extensive therapy and even then there is no guarantee he will shape up.
Good luck
2006-11-04 16:22:19 · answer #1 · answered by mindbender - seeker of truth 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel very badly for you, this is a horrible, stressful situation.
I'm stunned that your husband wants to have a relationship with him still. And I completely understand how you feel.
Put your foot down. Your son is not to be around him alone. Explain to him in the way a few people have said about 'privates and special places'. It will be tough for him to wrap his head around it, but it has to be done. He wants to know, and he should. However unfortunate, this is a good time to explain the whole issue of sex, and sexual predators.
Perhaps your husband is probably thinking of how his dad used to be... this has got to be hard on him too.
If you dont want to visit, and dont want your son to either, I dont see anything wrong with that.. I hope your husband would understand.
2006-11-05 10:34:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
(why would that girl even bother to answer your question if she was going to be so rude ^)
Anyway, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Although, I am in a similar one. My grand fil molested my mil when she was little. The whole family seems to have moved on and pretends that it never happened. I on the other hand can't even look at him. I will always refuse to allow my children to be left alone with him. My husband made me swear that I wouldn't even let the family know that I know because no one ever alerted the police or anything. The wife caught him and left him and took my mil and the rest of the kids but he still in every ones lives (including my mil) I won't tell my kids ( son 4 yrs old and 3 mos daughter) but I will never allow them to be alone. Never
2006-11-04 23:56:31 · answer #3 · answered by Stacy L 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well its time to tell your son the birds ans the bees anyway. Tell him the truth about sex. Then a few days latter tell him about his grandfather. If you don't someone else will like a cousin or something. You MUST tell him
As far as a relationship goes you husband should see his father but that does not mean you or your son need to go to. Never leave your son unattended with his Grandfather.
2006-11-04 23:50:03 · answer #4 · answered by dreson k 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure what state you are in, but most child molesters, after their release from Prison-are not allowed around children. Your husband can have a relationship with his father on his OWN time. Your husband needs to read the FACTS about child offenders, he may than understand where your coming from. Your son is only 10, he may not be able to take in completely the seriousness of such a awful crime that was committed.
2006-11-04 23:54:54 · answer #5 · answered by sue d 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's in the best interest not to have your son in any way to have contact with him at all unless supervised by an adult at all times.your husband in his right mind should understand why you feel the way you do.and for telling your son it;s important to tell him the truth in case it happens to him and then he knows it's wrong if it happens to him.if that were my child i would not have him any where near him,for the fact that he is one sick pedaphile.
let your husband have a relationship with him ,but tell him with out you and your son.i just can't believe your husband wants to be around him not knowing if he's gonna attempt it on your son.
but as for telling your son it is crucial he needs to know the truth
tell your son his grandfather did very bad by touching a little boys private and it was wrong of him to do that ,cause it is not allowed
it is bad.and if someone ever did that to him it is very important not to keep it a secret and to tell someone.
you will feel better telling him after all you are just protecting him from not happening to him.it's your responsibility to do the right thing as being a parent.
i know it is very hard to deal with it makes you sick to your stomach i hope i was some what of a help to you.just stick to your guns about your instincts.
2006-11-05 00:05:53 · answer #6 · answered by smiley 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume you 've talked to your son by now about the fact that some body parts are 'private' and no one but him (or in some cases a doctor) should ever touch him there.
You can explain that grownups can give someone else permission to touch their own privates, but no one is allowed to touch kids' privates (unless it's to help little kids with diapers and toileting and cleaning until they're big enough, or unless there's a medical reason to.)
You can talk about what grandpa did from that starting point. You can say "do you remember us talking about privates? Well, if a grownup touches a kids' privates for a reason other than the ones we talked about, or touches another grownup's privates without their permission, it's actually breaking an important law. Grandpa hurt someone by breaking that law. He touched someone's privates that he wasn't allowed to."
Does that help?
2006-11-04 23:54:02 · answer #7 · answered by ladyfraser04 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you. I would not want him within 100 miles of my son. I think you should take your son to a counselor who is an expert on this kind of situation. It is too important that your son understand what his grandfather has done. I would not have this man in my life.
2006-11-05 00:52:25 · answer #8 · answered by stariei 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Protect your child at all costs! If you DH wants a relationship, that is his choice, but it sounds like FIL cannot be trusted alone with kiddo -- EVER.
As far as talking to kiddo, simply tell him that FIL touched someone in a way & place that he wasn't supposed to and had a punishment for it. At 9, he's old enough to understand that his privates are his and not for sharing with others.
Good luck, this sounds like a nightmare of a situation.
2006-11-04 23:50:19 · answer #9 · answered by kiara8192 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Certainly your son knows about "private parts" at this point--tell him that his grandfather got in trouble for touching people's private parts when they told him not to (or something simple but true like this). You can say that it's a very bad thing he did, etc., but it wasn't the little boy's fault. You can use this as an opportunity to tell your son thatnobody should touch his privates; he should tell you if anybody tries to do something like this to him.
2006-11-08 23:17:14 · answer #10 · answered by sarcastro1976 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋