Do you think I am wrong to yell at my fiance?

Question

he is the love of my life and yet gets me fired up to the point that I yell and can't control it. He comes home from work, I've missed him all day and he just starts complaing about everything you could think of! I try to ignore it but he gets disrespectful to me because he had a hard day. I care - I sympathize - but his bad day had nothing to do with me, so why should I be the one he bitches at? He goes on and on and on some more then we argue and I yell. I hate yelling and I feel wrong for it but I feel it's the only way he will hear me cause he wont let me speak. What do you think?

Answer 1

You know what? I understand. It's so hard not to raise your voice at someone when you're really irritated, and especially when the other person won't even let you get a word in edgewise. Here's a suggestion that has worked with my husband and me, when we have conflict...when you feel that anger rising up in you, turn away--take a deep breath--count to ten if you have to--and then MAKE yourself, with self-control, speak to him in a quiet but firm voice about what's bothering you. If he responds with raised voice and rudeness, quietly retreat to another room until he's cooled off. There's no talking to anger like that. Soon enough he will get the point that you are not going to go to that level with him. Another suggestion: Find a time when both of you are NOT irritated with each other, and sit down and talk about this. Tell him that you want to listen to him and you care, but that it hurts when he yells at you, and that you feel that he is blaming you for his problems. Say "I" statements instead of "you" statements so he won't feel attacked. As in, "When you come home and start talking about your day, I feel that you are blaming me and expecting me to solve the problem for you. It hurts my feelings when you scream at me and I don't know what to say to you. I want to be there for you but it's tough to do that when I'm feeling attacked by you."
He probably doesn't realize that you feel this way. I bet you anything, that he just vents on you b/c he trusts you. You are his sounding board. He knows that whatever he says, you're still going to love him. So he just lets loose. All the things he couldn't say at work around other people, has been bottled up in him all day long, and so he comes home, sees his lovely fiancee, and spews. lol The problem is, you have had your OWN entire day that you want to talk about as well...so it becomes a tug-of-war between the two of you, as to whose day was worse, or who can yell the loudest. So the last suggestion I have is, simply let him talk. Wait to talk about your day until later on, when he's more relaxed and able to listen. B/c he's not in a listening mood right when he comes home, and you're just going to feel rejected and hurt. Because you love him, let him have the floor for awhile. You'll get a turn later. I promise you, this will make things better. He will feel valued and loved, and listened to. These things I have had to learn the hard way...but now that I have, it sure makes things alot better when my husband and I talk to each other. Hope all this has helped a little...good luck! :-)

Answer 2

Don't judge yourself. You yelled because you felt it was the only way he could hear you - but yelling didn't solve the problem, so I wouldn't bother doing it again.

Instead, now that everything has cooled down, tell him calmly that, while you understand his day was rough, when he comes home and bemoans his day like that it feels like he's unloading on you. He may just need to share with someone how horrible his day went, but the way he does it makes you uncomfortable.

Let the incident slide, but don't let it become a habit. Work out with him the best way to handle situations like that in the future, so that both of you are comfortable with it.

After all, if he's coming to you with his stories of a bad day, it's because you're such a close friend of his, he feels he can trust you. If you don't want that role, he can always find some other friend to hang out with and ***** about his bad day, but then that will be one less thing the two of you can share. You may have a bad day sometime soon you'll want to share with him, only to find it isn't allowed anymore.

Answer 3

Alright, MY lady fiancee and I had notice this happens between the both of us too. She had a bad at work she comes home and goes on and on. I have a bad at work and I am a jerk.

We TALKED about what we are doing to each other. Now we relize how a bad day at work affects the other when we get home.

We both came to the conclusion we like to have the ear that listens. That is all.

Talk calmly about it with him at a mellow time. Tell him how you feel, CALMLY. Tell him you are only an ear to listen to him, NOT A PUNCHING BAD TO RELIEVE STRESS!!

It will take sometime to break a bad habit of bitching.

But for the time being until he gains control of his bitchyness....Listen for awhile at his bitchen, then give him a big kiss, a hug, a smile, and an "I love you." ;) good luck

Answer 4

Hey do what you got to do.You have right to express yourself,especially when he yells, takes his anger out on you and ignores your feelings.You'll should atleast sit down and try to resolve the problem in a peaceful manner.He needs a different source of outlet,instead blaming his bad day on you.In the same token be sure you're not doing things to provoke your husband.I'm not saying he has a right yell at you.This yelling can lead to other problems and possibly destroy the marriage.So reconcile and nip it in the bud.Good luck.

Answer 5

OMG you must have been at my house the other day. I was complaining to my husband about the same thing and having to yell at him so he would listen. While I don't like yelling sometimes it seems to be the only way. I try not to do it too often, but sometimes I feel it just has to be done. Just don't too often and let him know why you did it.

Answer 6

Yelling is in your opinion the only way to communicate to him that you want him off of your back. So here is what I suggest. Talk in a low calm voice. That will get his attention a lot faster. Try it and see.

If you guys get each other that fired up..take a break. Take a few days off

Answer 7

Totally ok. If yall are getting married...yall will fight. It's part of life. Just pick your battles carefully. Sometimes it isn't worth the effort of fighting. Just be like, you're in a bad mood and I'm going to take a shower so you can be left alone...then walk off. It gives you both a chance to cool off.

Answer 8

All men need time when they first get home to relax and adjust. Since this bothers you, see if you can set aside some time for him to get his workday off his chest. Compared to women, men don't have a lot of people to talk to/decompress.

However please set some ground rules-if you give him time to talk to you about his job, he can't get disrespectful to you. It's not your fault that he had a bad time at work. Please create some fair fighting rules.

Good luck!

Answer 9

he complains because he is tired, you should be concerned when he is silent. yelling is to be directed to animals and when you are trying to get someone's attention, if it's attention you want, be patient with him, and he will notice your calm nature, i guess what I'm trying to say is 2 wrongs won't make a right. do not let his bad karma from work affect your marriage.

Answer 10

This is normal!!!!
When he comes home, ask him how his day went???
What do you do during the day???
Maybe you need to out of the house a couple of days in the week.