Ladies, If this happened to you would you be this way??

Question

If a guy molested you would you be like this:
My gf was molested by my friend(he's not my friend now), she's okay but now she wants absolutely to physical contact. She is a 5'1 gymnast who used to love to be held and touched. I used to be able to walk up behind her and pick her up cuz she's so light, but now she is talking about quitting gymnastics cuz her female coach keeps asking is everythings all right. She won't even let her family hug her. If a person bumps her in the hall at school she gets all uneasy. What can I do to help?? When will she (if ever) be the same again?? She blames herself. When she cries I go to hold her and she pulls away. What can I do To help? She absolutely does NOT want to report it. I will stand behind her no matter what she decides but What can I do to help.

I love her but it seems like she doesn't love me. Why is that??

Will she ever want to be touched or held again??

we live in 60010 so she was the money 4 a counsler but she doesn't want 1. She says she could have stopped him and feels like she was not loyal to me. I told her that's not true but she don't believe me. What else can I say??

it's been about a month

Answer 1

It is a normal reaction that she is having. She has been violated and it is difficult to accept the same kind of touching as affection.

You can not force her to report it, although she should - first of all, she has NOTHING to be ashamed of, because she did nothing wrong; secondly, she will be protecting other women from this creep.

Even if she chooses to not report it, she should still get some kind of professional help- and you could go with her to find ways that you can communicate and to show your affection for her so that she will once again learn to feel safe with you.

Sometimes during a sexual assault, the victim's body still has a pleasurable response - because it is simply a biological reaction. This can cause confusion for the victim, in that she might feel as though her body betrayed her, in a sense. It's hard for me to explain this - I hope you understand what I mean - I will come back to it if I find a better way to convey this.

Gymnasts are already at high risk for eating disorders, and victims of sexual assault often develop them too - so keep an eye out for unhealthy behavior as well.

http://www.rainn.org/ is an excellent resource for victims of sexual assault. You can enter your zip code to find a list of counseling centers in your area. Be patient, it can take a while - sometimes months or even years, depending on the person and individual circumstances. Of course, the sooner she gets help, the sooner she can work through all the confusion and helplessness she is feeling.

Maybe let her read your question and these answers. You seem like a good kid, and I'm confident that she will see that too, as long as you are compassionate and supportive and don't try to push her too fast. Good luck to both of you.

Answer 2

Yes, I'd be the same way. When something like this happens, physical contact seems very selfish on the other person's part (even though you may just be trying to show affection.) A person used physical touch to hurt her and satisfy himself, so this is how she views all physical touch (because it was such a powerful experience). She will gradually heal, especially if she talks to a counselor about it. School counselors (not the ones who make up the schedules, but crisis counselors) are bound by confidentiality. That is, unless she plans on hurting someone else or herself OR she is currently in an abusive situation (like someone she lived with was abusing her), then the counselor cannot tell anyone what she has said without her permission. This is a very safe place to go.
In the mean time, the most you can do is worry about her and not yourself. If you truly care about her you will only do what she is comfortable with. If she does not want to hold hands, it is because of her experience, not because of you. Not pushing these boundaries will set you apart from the guy who molested her and help her to trust you more. Physically do not do anything that she is not comfortable with (even a back massage or hand holding) until she is ready.
Try and make her molestation an OK topic for the both of you to feel comfortable discussing, and it will help you to both survive this experience.

Answer 3

Yup and then some.
Read my answer to your last (similar) post.
Do not question yourself. It isn't you. It is all normal reaction on her part.
Look, in order to really Help; instead of stressing on this why not turn it around and think positive nurturing thoughts for her. Power of suggestion. Keep positive. READ My last answer to your previous post.
When she crys just let her, it is her way of working through this. Tell her that your natural reaction would be to hold but are not because it seems it makes her uncomfortable at this time. That if she feels she needs a hug that she can come to you anytime, that you are not going to push her, that you care about her and are a bit worried about her, that you understand how badly she must feel, offer condolences and let her know that you will always be there for her, if she wants to talk, go for a walk, just sit together and say nothing even, if she wants to watch a movie or whatever. Let her know she can call on you anytime. Time will heal the wounds but unfortunately this type of thing has long lasting effects. What this girl needs is support without any ties.

Answer 4

I was grabbed by someone when I was young and the attack happened by someone sneaking up behind me. It's 20 years later, and still sometimes I am startled when someone sneaks up on me.
The brain rewires itself really fast when something major happens, and that happens for a good reason. If getting molested was going to happen everytime someone snuck up on her, she would want to be more careful about letting anyone sneak up. Now she has to work to re-wire her brain back so she remembers that touching and all of those things are not always associated with bad things.
If she's really adverse to contact, respect that. Anything you do will make her feel forced again, and you don't want that!!! Do whatever you can to make her feel in control. But make sure she sees it that way. Let her quit gymnastics, but make sure it's because she wants to get control, not because she's quitting everything. She will get back to normal. But it might take up to a year for her to fully relax. If she's taking it really badly it might require therapy. How long has it been?

Answer 5

Encourage her to get some counseling ( a family doctor or school counselor might be able to recommend someone, they don't need to know why if she doesn't want them to) because she would really benefit from talking this out with a professional counselor or therapist (the info will be kept private for legal reasons) who can help her to know that it wasn't her fault. Just be loving and patient with her, and give her a shoulder to lean on when she needs it. It sounds like you are already doing a great job of that. She is probably having a hard time trusting people and it will take time to build trust.

Answer 6

There probably really isn't anything that you personally can do for your girlfriend. A professional counselor that specializes in sexual assault is probably going to be the best option for her. Sometimes as the significant other, we cannot be the one to help the ones we love, especially when you're talking about something as serious as this. Even if she doesn't want to report the assault to the police, encourage her to seek help from a professional to help her deal with this.

To answer your question, I cannot say one way or the other if I would be this way. We all deal with things differently, and we just don't know until it happens to us, but it is a possibility.

Answer 7

This girl needs to get counseling for sexual abuse. Is there a guidance counselor at school or a clergy person she can talk to? How about the school nurse, she is trained to handle these situations or could hook you up with someone who is. It is not YOU. She is just reacting to the situation. If you love her get her help.

Answer 8

She needs to get therapy so she can return to enjoying / tolerating being touched. You can't help her, you're not qualified. The therapist will keep everything secret. Encourage her to make the call, you shouldn't even do that for her. Don't touch her again until she tells you it's OK.

Answer 9

She has been deeply hurt and scared.Unfortunately alot of woman don't report it because, they blame themselves Your girl needs to seek counseling and it make take a good bit of it and a good bit of patience.That's were you,her family and friends come in.This sort of event does change us.So it will take alot of understanding from you.Good Luck to you both.

Answer 10

i feel for you,i haven't been abused but not a few who have and its caused them such heartache and put a big test on there relationship,just be there for her but don't push the sex side,when shes ready I'm Shaw she,ll let you know,i bet she will respect you for letting her take it slower, if you love her you will wait and she will love you even more,good luck.x IN TIME SHE WILL WANT YOU TO TOUCH HER AGAIN,BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT. you poor boy she will be okay, shes lucky that she got you,im watching all your add ons, remember time heals, ans so will she.