Desperate to fit in--what can I do?

Question

Hey, everyone...
I've just come to what I feel is an important revelation re: my mental health issues--my biggest problem has been severe social anxiety (I see EVERYONE staring at me w/disgust when I go out) and not being able to "fit in" to any social group no matter what I do. But what I've found is that am simply desperate for meaningful social interaction outside of my husband,and I feel like I need it as much as, if not even more, than food or shelter. So when this need is not met, I have horrible mood swings and become angry, paranoid, and in despair--my house could literally burn down, or I could be without a dollar to my name, and I'd be *much*, MUCH less upset than if a random person on the street looked at me in disgust!

I feel that I need more agressive therapy, but my therapist (who I've been seeing for over a year) constantly takes the "it's their problem, not yours" approach, and even with this I feel that I'm still not more socially acceptable. What can I do?

Some more details (i ran out of room earlier! :) )

--I feel as though there is something wrong with me, something that "it's their problem, not yours" is not addressing. I have literally racked my brain trying to figure out what is going on, but the best that I've been able to come up with is that I'm very fair skinned (people have actually asked me if I have cancer or another deadly disease, and I was called "Casper" and "Freak" all through my school years because of my natural paleness). I'm also lacking in social skills and am very shy, which no doubt comes from the fact that I've been teased/bullied/abused in some way for 99% of my life. Interestingly, during the short times where I DID feel as though I fit in with others, I remember NOT having any mood swings or major psychological disturbances! I felt normal, and I've even told him, "I don't feel like I need pills or such, I need friends to be cured!"

Answer 1

Change your attitude. Go everywhere thinking that you look great! If the poor attitude starts to slip in...change it! Wear foundation to darken you face alittle if you are that pale.

Answer 2

I think you need to work on your self-esteem issues for one thing. Have you tried to figure out where your anxiety came from? How does your husband contribute to this, is he supportive or is he a contributor to the problem? Is he respectful, supportive, caring and loving? Or does he verbally belittle, is not supportive, caring and loving skills lacking? Is he comitted to the marriage?

If you have been seeing the therapist for a year, do you feel in that time you have progressed in a positive way? If the answer is no, perhaps seeing a new one may help you. Remember too, therapists don't do the work, you do, they are guides.

Remembering that you get your worth from within you is the important thing. You cannot expect strangers to give you value, they don't know you. I think if you honed your social skills, that would help too. Take baby steps; in the grocery store, strike up a small light conversation with the checker. Join a club that interests you. I suggest you also do something outside your home with your husband so he can be supportive in a social setting.

Answer 3

Now, hang on and listen before you scroll right past what I'm going to say to you.

I say this from deep personal experience.

Your psychologist is right, it's just that you are not in a place where you can understand this and assimulate it yet. It may be too soon.

What she means really is that people can only make you feel 'disgusting' with YOUR permission.

Now the reason you can't make sense of this yet is your self is esteem is tooo low.

What would help is to go into town and sit and observe everyone as they go by. Shopping centres are a good place because you get a good mix of people.

Look at each person as they go by and criticise them in some way( to yourself obviously not out loud). You need to do this for around 30 minutes.

This exercise will demonstrate to you that everybody has something that could be criticised.

What is happening is an internal conversation with yourself: It might go something like this : They're staring at me, it's because I'm pale, it's because I don't fit in, they know I'm not confident...why are they staring ?

I'm sure your psychologist has told you that it is impossible to guess someone else's thoughts...you see there could be a thousand reasons as to why someone looks at you.

I think also that you are going out in public and looking at people's faces to see if they're looking at you, when they do, you jump to a conclusion. They're probably looking at you because you're looking at them!

I think you need to be more open to what your psychologist is suggesting....she is definitely on the right track. When you next see her, try not to be defensive in your thoughts, open up to the possibility that she may well be right.....ask her to help you understand her ideas a little more.

Also don't TRY to fit in, why should you??? Just be you and know that you are good enough.

Answer 4

I suffer from some of the same probelms you have. Do you maybe have one good friend that is aware of your issues that you could start going out with, maybe once a week? Have them help you though the social anxiety issues? I am in therapy and just started taking lamictal and geodon, not sure how those are going to pan out, but I am willing to try them. Maybe you should try seeing another therapist, if you aren't on meds. My problem is my problem, its obviously not normal to feel like everyone around you is thinking terrible things about you. I know its all in my head, and thats why I turned to therapy and medication to try and resolve my issues. My husband and kids shouldn't have to suffer, and bottom line, I shouldn't have to feel this way all the time. Good luck..

Answer 5

I can understand what you therapist is trying to do...to try and help you not care what anyone else thinks...but its obviously not working for you. You must tell him/her straight out that this is not helping you at all (remember HE works for you). If he will not change the approach or explain his reasoning for taking this tactic, change therapists.

You may benefit from being in a group setting as well. Mental illness does make us feel alone in a world of so called normal people.

Answer 6

If you don't think your good enough then people will think your not good enough. People can smell fear. You have to look confident.


First your walk: steps should be approx. 1 foot apart and don't scuff your feet or look at your feet

Second your head: that space between your chin and your neck should be parallel to the ground

Third your hands they should only be in your pockets if your pace is 2/3 of a second for each step or a lower frequency such as just standing

Fourth your eyes: When you are talking to someone give them strong eye contact (never look down when talking to someone unless you are talking about each others shoes)


I have more but I don' t know if you will use them so I'm not gong to wast my time, so if you want more... contact me.

Answer 7

hi, wow, a lot of what you wrote describes me, too. i have people staring at me all the time in stores, in the streets, guests at my house, and pretty much everywhere i am. i hate it and it is driving me crazy.

i honestly don't see it happening to others. i am full of anger and mood swings and depression because of this. i just don't get it!

when i was in school, i was bullied and picked on a lot, too. plus at home, my father always critized every word and action that came out of me. he still does. i have learned fear and it controls me from school and home. i find it almost impossible to over come it. it is controlling my life.

i am realizing that what is missing is self esteem and self love. however, to have that, it helps to have others support and love you. it is not enough to only love yourself and be confident if others still treat you like crap.

i would suggest you get something natural to help you with your anxiety, not psychiatric drugs, i mean like st john's wort, kava kava or valerian. read about them on the net and ask your doctor about doing a trial.

it is nice to know that i am not alone with this staring thing and i wish i could advise you specifically, but i am not sure myself. take care and hope you find your way. =)

Answer 8

I also was picked on when I was younger. Plus I did not have the greatest family life. People made fun of my big ears that stuck out. If I tried to be socially accepted I just made myself miserable. When people make fun of you it is because they are insecure and it makes them feel better when they put you down. When people are being childish like that, do not hang out with them. Do you have friends that accept you for who you are? Do you and your husband like to go out together and have fun?

People have a bad habit of staring. Try not to let it bother you. I am 6'3' 270 pounds, I have big ears, I wear glasses and I am a geek. But I like myself. This is who I am. If you do not like me because of the way I look then that is your problem. If you do not like me because of the way I look then you are shallow and I do not want to waste my time with you. I have a group of friends that accept me for who I am.

Remember, surface beauty is only skin deep and will fade very quickly. True beauty comes from within. On the surface I am not a beautiful person. But if you look at my heart, I am sexy. Evil, cruel, nasty, people are ugly. I have met people that were beautiful on the surface, but when I got to know them they were the kind of ugly that went clear to the bone.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart and fun to be with.

Answer 9

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