How do we get my stepdaughters to stop calling my husband by his name, while they are calling stepdad DAD?

Question

I posted another question like this a minute ago, but I didn't really say what I am having a big problem with. My youngest stepdaughter seems very confused by the whole REAL DAD/STEPDAD thing. She calls her stepfather who she lives with DAD and calls my husband her stepdad. Numerous family members have heard her say this. They have tried to explain the difference to her, but either she is not understanding or the mom and stepdad are telling her different. My 10 yr old son has tried to tell her in kids terms what he difference is, but she just said to him "Well he (stepdad) was there when I was born, so he is my dad" (MY husband and his ex split up when she was still pregnant and she didn't call him when she went into labor or gave birth, instead allowing her new man the stepdad to be in the delivery room. He has no children of his own, and seems to think of this child as his) My husband has tried to explain it to her, but she still hasn't stopped calling him my his name.

He has talked to his ex, but she claims that they don't encourage her to do this. I don't believe her at all. I never have encouraged my son to call his real dad by his name or to call my husband dad, so this really strikes a nerve with me.

Yes this is his daughter, he was afraid that it might not be his, so he did have a DNA test done. The daughter is 9 right now.

Ok, I didn't want to start bashing this stepdad, but about 7 yrs ago the mom had the kids taken away from her because this guy was beating these kids. She and he both went to all the court ordered counseling and parenting classes and they gave them back to her. I have seen this guy around these kids, and they seem to respect him out of fear. I have seen it in their eyes. I don't think that this child calls him dad because she truely feels closer to him, as much as she fears him. I have reported this man to CPS before because I suspected abuse was still going on, but they said that if the kids don't point a finger at him that they can't do anything to him. I think that he has brainwashed this little girl so much that she won't go against anything he says to her, simply out of fear.

Answer 1

I would let her come around on her own time. Have your husband spend some one on one time, doing special stuff with just his daughter. Maybe a local church is hosting a father/daughter dance. Whatever is going on in her mind, she will sort it out as she gets older. In her mind, she is going by what she is told, and will need the time to mature and make decisions of her own.

Answer 2

I read your question and your subsequent post so I think I have the gist of the issue. You're right in being concerned about the confusion that dad vs. step dad however at this point the damage is done. When she's old enough to really understand, then she'll get the idea. In her mind right now, her step dad is dad because he was the one who was there when she was born. When she gets to understanding what the birds and bees are then she'll probably get the reality of it.

I can also understand where your husband (her biological father) would easily be upset by this however this has gone on for so long it's a habit for your daughter to call him by his name. You're going to have to ride this one out until she's old enough to understand. Obviously she's not old enough now and the more you try to make her understand, the more desensitized she's going to get to the whole prospect later.

Good luck and be patient! Her mental well being is more important at this point. All of the adults in the matter know the truth and you're not going to be able to get the other party to change.

Answer 3

I'm not trying to sound rude or anything, but is there a chance the stepdad can be her real dad? Did your husband have a DNA test done? If stepdad isn't the real dad, then it's up to the girls mother to teach your stepdaughter the difference. You, your husband and son can all tell her but she probably won't understand unless her mom explains it.

Answer 4

If you suspect abuse, start legal proceedings to get custody of the child, my daughter is very abusive and her daughter(my granddaughter) is scared to death to say anything about her mom. CPS has been involved and took the two boys out of the home and custody was granted to the dads, their reasoning for leaving my granddaughter was that sometimes, moms can raise girls and not boys. I said maybe E is just afraid to speak up, cause her mom is so abusive. But the courts can order psycholocial evals, of everyone involved to determine any underlying abusive traits, and based on the past history of abusiveness, that should play into it. Talk to a lawyer and see where your husband stands, and good luck.

Answer 5

I had a friend with a 3.5 yr old who was trying to decide how to deal with a similar thing. The little boy called his new "dad" by his given name Tom and when they got married they were going to have him adopt the child- so they made a big deal out of the THREE of them getting married and called tom- "Tomdad" it lasted about 6 months to a year and them the little boy just started calling him Dad. Its kind of an opposite with you but maybe you could use another name to "get her started" till she understands- like "pop" that's my english father in laws name...That way the confusion isn't in the name- that may be her biggest problem with it- to her "Dad" is the stepfathers name not what he is-- at that age anyway....

Answer 6

Hi, I think your stepdaughter needs time to understand the whole situation. she is right when she says her dad is the one who was there when she was born, is the one she knew as her father. I think her mom should explain her gradually the real situation. but tell you husband not to worry, everything comes at its time, when she grows she'll be mature enough to understand what happened before she was born and later. the important thing is that your husband spends great times with her, like going shopping, to the mall, to the zoo, movies, etc. that is what really counts, the great moments you spend with your family, then she will realize and understand what the word DAD means...good luck!!!

Answer 7

I am sorry for your husband, but his daughter has a right to consider her stepdad her real dad. "Dad" is a title of affection. Your husband may be her biological father, but she obviously feels more of a special connection to her mother's husband. Don't get so caught up in semantics that you don't see what is going on in this little girl's heart. Your husband needs to focus less on the words with which she addresses him and more on showing her that in his own way he loves her as much as her other dad. Perhaps they can come up with a new term for her to address him: pop, papa, whatever. He should be grateful, not jealous, that she has a warm and loving relationship with her stepfather. Those kinds of relationships protect little girls when they become teenagers.

Answer 8

Does it really matter that much? As long as your husband is in his daughters life regularly and lovingly she will soon understand who her father is. The focus is on both of your relationship with your stepdaughter and how you handle that, not the name calling. Sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like you are demanding respect thru a name and not earning it by respecting her wishes. Shes just a kid and confused so back off a little show her how much you love her and she will come around........Flo

Answer 9

Trying to force the issue will just make her resent both of you and when she is of age she may choose to not see her real dad because of the pressure. Just drop it for now and let her call him dad. At age 9 she knows the difference between her real and stepdad and she most likely feels closer to her stepdad.

Answer 10

I don't mean to be rude, but anyone can be a sperm donor. It takes a special person to be a "dad". Maybe she is doing this because that is what she feels comfortable with. She thinks of the "stepdad" as her daddy. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't think you are giving her enough credit. It makes me kind of sad to think that you think that your daughter calling her stepdad "dad" is a mistake. That's an insult to the stepdad.