Should I tell a guy?

Question

A few years ago someone (a stranger) tried to rape me, this has made me pretty unsure around guys (i know it's irrational, but can't seem to stop it). People have pointed out I'm very reserved around men, even if I do like them. My question is: if i find someone i like, should i tell them this relatively early on (so they don't think i'm frigid or don't like them if they want to get physical), or not tell them (because i don't want to make a huge deal of it, or put them off). Advice from guys, or people who've had a similar dilemma, appreciated.

Answer 1

Gosh, I'm really sorry.

My former girlfriend told me that she had had a near rape experience in a big city and I never really put two and two together about the fact that she and I didn't have much of a sexual life. There were always excuses because of our schedules, but in the end, we had been going out for nearly three years, living together for two and a half of them and I can count the packets of condoms we bought with the fingers of one hand...

The point is it is important that you tell your partners soon enough because it is important for them to know. Otherwise it will crop up in unexpected ways. They'll go nuts trying to find out why you're not too physically close, they'll drive you nuts trying harder to get close to you and generally it could lead to a pointless relationship.

You need to have a good chat with someone who has had similar experiences and gotten past them. If not with a psychiatrist, then perhaps with other women who have suffered similarly at the hands of a man (and I firmly believe such men should be chopped or removed outright from society before they contnue torturing.) Check for support gropus in your area, online or over the phone. They are out there.

The sooner you find a way to get this behind you, the sooner you can enjoy the comfort of sharing the closeness of another person. It really is the most fantastic feeling, to cuddle up to someone, wake up next to them and remember all those wonderful feelings they gave you to experience.

Then you can face the normal problems and joys of a relationship just like anybody else :D

Answer 2

Your reactions and feelings ARE NOT AT ALL irrational. You may, however, need to spend more time talking and processing your experience with others who've been there or with a counselor or therapist. The aim is to not allow this experience to ruin the rest of your life nor let it control the rest of your life. .

I would say definitely wait on telling the guy. Date for a good little while. This way you can get to know him, feel comfortable with him, see more of who he really is. And then, take a chance on the really simple things, like holding his hand, letting him hug you, and so on.

If he notices that you're holding back and seems confused by your behavior or outright asks you about it, THAT will be the time to say: I really like you and want to continue getting to know you/seeing you. What you don't know is that I've had a really bad experience and so I'm become extra careful/cautious about getting involved. It's a little harder for me and it takes me a bit more time.

If he's interested enough in you, he'll stick around. He will clearly have decided that you'll be worth his wait.

Next, get to a point where you're comfortable enough with this particular guy to consider going further beyond the above (and I do not necessarily mean you're actually ready to "sleep" with him).

When you feel that that is, indeed, the next step you want to take and your relationship seems to be heading there, THEN tell him. Everything will fall more clearly into place for him and he will understand it all better. Then, if he heads for the hills, he was never the guy for you, you don't need him in your life, and you'll be well rid of him.

If he looks like he's sticking around, he's also likely to be more patient, understanding, and supportive. Less likely to force or push you into anything you're not ready for. He's the one you'll want. He'll be a real keeper. And it's good bc it will help you be secure in knowing that you can tell him something this personal and you can still trust him to handle it, not be freaked by it.

This is a very vulnerable situation for you, so definitely take care of yourself and be kind to yourself at every stage, every turn.

Answer 3

It is a huge deal...you were almost a victim of an act that would make you feel prey to any man. Yes you were able to escape the act but it is still in your mind and you don't want it to happen again. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't make it seem stupid just because you escaped it. You should consider some rape counseling because you are a victim of rape even if you escaped it.

In regards to telling the guys you are interested in, it's none of their business right now. If you need a reason, just tell them that you have been hurt by guys in the past and are cautious. There is nothing wrong with that.

I really think that rape counseling would be your best option right now. Although you were not raped you are still dealing with it as if you were. You escaped it but you still fear it and that is going to hold you back. I wish you the best and don't ignore your feelings, they have a reason. Take care

Answer 4

You should certainly tell the guy. Not immediately but pretty soon after you get to know him. If he's worth keeping, he'll understand and it will help your relationship work out. It will only put him off if he's not the type you should stay with anyway.

And don't think that you're being irrational! It's completely understandable that you should feel the way you do.

I hope you find a guy you like and that things work out well :)

Answer 5

I honestly think you should just wait until you're actually in the situation. You may not feel as reserved with someone you've taken the time to get to know. It's impossible to predict who you should tell and who you shouldn't until you know the personality you are talking about.

From personal experience I'llsay that telling people can, sometimes, make them feel worse than you do; assuming you're moving on from this. I will say that anyone who is put off prob wasn't after anything serious and you sound like you, understandably, are. Have you considered talking it over with someone impartial, it really helps to get perspective back and to get on with things.

All the best to you x

Answer 6

in my honest and concerned opinion, i think you should tell the guy 'cause if you get together with someone, he might accuse you of being frigid and too reserved and it can be the cause of your break up. trust me, i am also a little unsure around guys (just don't ask me why, please) and i've made sure to tell the guy I'm going out with why I was like that. He understood, and he even made me feel secure by saying things that were really assuring. it won't be an embarassment if you tell him. it only means you want him to know why you are like that.

you know, if you won't tell him, you risk losing the guy you like because he'll eventually think of other reasons why you are reserved.

Answer 7

You're not being irrational at all. It's perfectly understandable that you would feel this way. Have you gone through therapy from this experience? It could help you understand your feelings a little better. As far as if or when to tell someone about your experience, if he's a decent guy to begin with, he won't push anything on you, will wait until you're ready so perhaps after a few dates, depending on how things are going, I would tell him. If you can't bring your self to do so, perhaps a friend could pull him aside for you and explain things to him.

Best of luck to you, stay strong.

Answer 8

Well, you may end up perceived as 'victim' in their mind if you tell them which can result in them doing something similar (please don't freak on that statement, that has been my experince with past husbands that I told). Or it may show up in the worst way possible.
If you want some honest advice about what I would/did do, seek therapy so that this is less of an emotional thing for you and becomes less important in your life. Then decide if you should tell or not. I have a feeling the attempt won't matter once you have dealt with the unresolved feelings from it.

Answer 9

I think you should be yourself, no-body you have just meet needs to know anything about you until you have a reason to tell. Something very sI'milar happened to me and it made me very wary of guys for a while, but i was able to put this behind me and carry on to find a very wicked bloke that im still with today. You need to take it slow when you first meet someone one see how it goes and if you feel you need to tell him then do so, he should understand and appreciate your feelings if he don't then he is not for you. Good luck xx

Answer 10

True love is when you know everything about someone , all their history , all their little quirks , and all the things that nobody else knows .. and it doesnt matter ..

No Bloke in his right mind would hold whats happened to you as a negative ... be open and honest and that way you will find the right bloke for you .

Be who you are and dont be affriad to be yourself but accept that change is inevitable and over a period of time . your ordeal will become more of a faint memory and wont allways define you