My boyfriend and I were so happy talking about getting married. I thought we were both virgins and then I found out he had sex numerous times with this one girl. It was 4 years ago. It's bothering me so much. I don't know how to feel. Part of me is telling me it was that long ago, but the other part is telling me it hurts.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to forget it and move on, but the pain is still there. I know most of you are going to say it's 2006 and everyone is having sex, but it was always my decision to save it for marriage. I know I'm not completely innocent myself, but I have never had sex. I just see him as a totally different person now. I want it to be what it was, ignorant bliss. Just me thinking he was a virgin too. I know that's not possible. I just want us to be happy and move past this. How can I do that?
2006-11-03 17:52:44 · 10 answers · asked by New mommy 2010! 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I also have some worries about him being...unhealthy there, if you know what I mean. Ugh...I feel so bad making a big deal over this.
2006-11-03 17:53:55 · update #1
You just found out so you're still in shock, but it will pass. With time you will get over this. There could be worse things, believe me. Imagine if he had gotten that girl pregnant and now he was tied to her for life with a child together.
Have him get himself checked for STDs if he hasn't. It sounds like he was probably young and stupid and made a mistake. Everybody is entitled to a few mistakes, we're only human. And if it helps, remember that it is very possible for guys to have meaningless sex. This means he probably doesn't care about that girl and never did, he didn't respect her. But with you as his wife, he loves you and it will mean something and be special.
2006-11-03 18:18:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you drink a LOT of alcohol, it is possible to lose enough of your memory and then return to your prior blissful state.
Okay, joking answer aside, what you need to understand is that things have happened in the past, and that the world is not perfect. And, that the past will not change. Once you accept that, you should think about what you and your boyfriend have now and the future you're going to make together. That's the only thing you can really do, but luckily, if you focus on those things, you can both be happy together.
Incidentally, I would highly recommend that you have sex with your boyfriend before marriage. The notion of not having sex until marriage is a foolish one, foisted on society by social conservatives who want to control women's lives. You wouldn't buy a new car without test driving it (I know this is a crass analogy, but it's very true), so you shouldn't get into a lifelong commitment without knowing what you're signing up for.
2006-11-04 01:57:54 · answer #2 · answered by Yishan 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to let it go. If your saving it for marriage then good for you. If u cant live with the fact that hes not a virgin then u may wind up hating him for the rest of your life, and i mean from the inside and that right there can be what will tear you guys apart
2006-11-04 01:59:23 · answer #3 · answered by Viper 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you do anything else with him (oral sex, regular sex, etc.), have him go to his regular doctor, a clinic, or Planned Parenthood and be tested for STDs. The big ones to test for are HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes. You should also look into getting the HPV vaccine for yourself, since you're not involved with a virgin; most sexually active people have HPV, and a certain strain of it can cause cervical cancer. Beyond that, you have to think about what is most important to you: being with a virgin or continuing your relationship. You should also think about how/why he finally told you and if any trust issues are involved (if he didn't tell you himself, for instance, that's a major violation of trust).
2006-11-04 02:03:50 · answer #4 · answered by apropos2001 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally understand your disappointment. Not only is he not what he claimed to be, but it also sounds like he lied about it. You need to break it down into simple terms. Is this quality one that you MUST have in a spouse... was this something you wanted to share with someone as the first time for both? Is it a deal breaker? Be fair to yourself... I have a great deal of respect for your attitude about sex, you are a rare treasure.
2006-11-04 02:14:46 · answer #5 · answered by out of order 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
_ this is a common part of life,u can not expect anything theoretical,finding a virgin man is difficult,else you can get a lier or cheater.
See other features also as, if he is caring & responsible to family values,respect to all , self dependent & all other points which is necessary to run a family.
only virginity of a man will not give you a happy family life. See background also.
forgate about sex point
2006-11-04 02:07:47 · answer #6 · answered by sk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You seem to be in a confused state.. The only way you can recover from this stage is to come out of your shell and talk to your boyfriend about this... During your conversation,assess him.Try to judge him.. See whether he feels for what he'd done...and try judge his temperament at this point of time..
If he has this guilty consciousness..then move ahead and marry him.. If he's carefree about what he'd done.. then there's no guarantee that he'd not betray you in the near future.Anyways it's your life and the final choice has to be taken by YOU..
2006-11-04 02:04:21 · answer #7 · answered by Hari 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you asked him up front about his previous sex history and he lied, then you would have problems. If you never asked him in the first place and just assumed--then just asked him now when you're considering marraige, and he was honest and told you about a girl in the past (key word "past"), I would think that better than if he lied to you to leave you in your ignorant bliss.
Trust me, there's guys out there that wouldn't talk marraige and would only be interested in taking your virginity.
2006-11-04 02:02:50 · answer #8 · answered by Rex 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it no big deal, it may be better this way, at least one of you will know whats going on, and what to do for both of your pleasures
2006-11-04 01:57:54 · answer #9 · answered by wizzard 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your getting cold feet
2006-11-04 02:00:26 · answer #10 · answered by edward b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋