I got myself in a very difficult situation in a relationship....?

Question

I am involved with a man that is very controlling and now I feel stuck like I can't get out. At first I had my own job and now I work for him doing IT work and he doesn't pay me but gives me money like it's my allowance. He refuses to give me a paycheck and what makes things worse is I know he is cheating on me and I guess I am supposed to allow it since he is supporting me? I have confronted him but he denies everything even though one girl has confronted me and told me to my face that he was coming over to her house for a whole month. He denies it and says that he knows all about us and wants to break us up. Who should I believe? I can't prove it unless I hire a private detective and that is too expensive. He works a lot and has to travel a great deal. I am not sure what to do.

Answer 1

you poor thing but you gotta get out of there quick. forget wasting your money on a private investigator, he already sounds guilty of controlling and cheating on you. you really need to save yourself. you said he travels, well when hes away, just pack up and leave or leave now. dont turn back. get a new phone number etc. you need to get your own job to get your independance back and never let a man support you again. goodluck i hope you find confidence in your self again and there is always a way out. dont feel trapped, its only in your head.

Answer 2

Just ask yourself: Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man like this? If the answer to that question is yes, than I nor anyone else can help you. But if you really do not think that this guy is the one, then say goodbye to him, his cheating, and his allowances. I can't give you the exact steps, but as cliche as this sounds, you gotta follow your heart. Yep, that sounded too mushy!!! lol Anyway, if you are not happy about your relationship, do what the Patriots did to the British government , CHANGE, DESTROY/END, OR FORM A NEW RELATIONSHIP! Well, I have put my 2 cents in, hope everything works out, good luck!

Answer 3

First of all, the only relationship you have with him is more like master and slave. You see yourself being in this type of controlling environment and that is actually good -- a lot of people out there in such abusive relationships don't even realize it until they end up in the hospital.

You know now that you are in a predicament, so now what do you do? Get away from him. Go to your parents or a women's shelter if you have to, but don't stay another hour with him. Get you another job like you had before you met him and begin again, begin to be financially independent so that someone else cannot use that against you. It will not be easy, but it is something you have to do -- refuse to be treated like this and take action.

There is a saying out there that says, "Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it." It is very, very true. Ask yourself how you got caught up into this. If you just read again what you have written you can see a few clues.

I am not saying that the fault is yours that he is what he is and that you deserved this situation. No, far from it! I am only saying that, yes, you made a mistake concerning him (and making mistakes are a part of life and that we do not set out to commit them), but it is up you to take responsibility about yourself and make an honest evaluation about what you can do to prevent this from happening to you in the future.

I tell you this because I got into an abusive, controlling situation myself years ago and when I was freed from it, I had to ask those soul-searching questions myself. What I discovered has made me more alert as to what to watch out for in others. You may have to seek out professional counseling for it, but if you have to, then you must because it will not work itself out.

Take action now, and good luck to you.

Answer 4

Sounds way to stressful for me. I don't think I'd ever be in another controlling relationship with a guy! When they start to realize their losing control is when you really have to worry. So BE CAREFUL! If you never know if he's telling the truth or not then it doesn't sound like a very loving relationship to me. Here's a way of finding out without a detective. Does he accuse you of off the wall crap? Maybe things that he would do but not you?
Because people have a way of seeing others as they themselves are not as you are. So if he's the one never believeing you or accussing you of stuff your not doing then you can almost bet he's doing it.

Answer 5

Hun~ Ive been in a similair relationship with a guy that was controlling and abusive. One day, I finally broke down and just ran to my friend's house and grabbed my child and everything went downhill from there. I go out of that relationship b/c I knew it was better for me. Do you have any family members you could stay with until you got on your own feet? That is what I would do if I was you! Get FAR away from him as possible. I believe the girl is tellin the thurth.

Answer 6

Don't you have a friend who can follow him when he is supposed to be going someplace and take pictures of him going into this girlfriends house? Or, if the girlfriend came and confronted you...was it to gloat or was she feeling guilty and wanted to stop the cheating? If it is the latter, then perhaps you could gain her support in setting him up. She could call you just before he arrives at her house and she could maybe sneak and leave the front door unlocked and you could come over there and walk in and snap a picture of them and then take off fast. Go to a friends house, or go to the sheriff's office and ask for safe housing in a domestic violence shelter telling them he is going to come after you and you are afraid for your safety. After a few days away, call him and tell him you want your wages that you are due and he can have the picture. Then tell him you want out of your relationship and don't ever want to see him again. If you fear that he will seek retaliation...get a restraining order or ex parte against him and don't be afraid to call the police if he violates it.
Arrange to meet him someplace in public where you will be safe to exchange the photo for your money (tell him you want cash..no checks that he can stop payment on) and DO NOT go outside with him at all!! Make sure there is someone to walk you out to your car after he leaves and make sure someone takes you home and make sure no one is following you.

Answer 7

You sound unhappy in your present situation, rightly so, that isn't what relationships are about, are they? Working for an allowance so he can keep you suppressed, sounds as if he wants a slave not a partner, get out of this situation and hopefully someone will find you that will look after you and treat you with love and respect. He's cheating on you, not paying you, treating you as if you are a pet, not a partner, what do you think you should do after all it is up to you?

Answer 8

"He denies it and says that he knows all about us and wants to break us up."

Us who? Break who up?

Wait, are you cheating too? I'm confused.

Anyway, find a job on the side and squirrel away some omeny until you can get a place of your own. Or move in with a friend so the burden of rent etc isn't all on you.

Point is: get out of it! You can do it.

Answer 9

Honey, You have to leave. I know it will seem difficult, but once you have a new job you will meet a wonderful person and wonder why you ever had this question at all. Try to remember when you were a little kid and someone hurt your feelings. You survived and were wiser and stronger for the experience. The longer you wait the harder it will be....

Answer 10

Sounds like he's a jerk; I wouldn't end the relationship with him until I found out more information though. Try talking to that girl to find out more, and if you think she's telling the truth, I would tell him and break up with him. Plus, it sounds like hes not doing anything good for you anyway, just bad things.