how to get over the loss of a baby/stillborn/born too soon?

Question

My husband and I cannot try again. We have no other children. We have had multiple pregnancy losses but this last one was the most difficult because we had our baby and held her and named her and were attached to her. I am surprised that it hurts so much but it does and I'm worried I will never feel happy again. Does anyone know how I feel and will I feel okay again someday?

Answer 1

Hello There...take a deep breath, and breathe again. Now I hope to tell you that you are perfectly normal.

Three days before Christmas in 1988, I went to the emergency room and I had to fight with the guy on the telephone because I said I could not breathe right...then my heart broke...no baby's heartbeat in the emergency room and I was 7 months. confirmed..but I still had to deliver her = 9 hours of labor the next day.

I got some counseling but the best was from a support group called Compassionate Friends of Valley Forge, PA. Each person there had suffered a loss.....a loss of a love as they explained to me. They taught me to talk about it...through my tears...and taught me that I still had to go through the 5 stages of grief. I went to them alone.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining...if only I did that, if only....then she'd be here
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Anyone who tells you that you get to acceptance without going through each stage of grief....hasn't been there! And the 5 stages exist for all types of losses (job, moving, parents loss, and so forth).
Each person goes through it differently. I read about 25 books on grief that spring of 1989 and went to the meetings of the Compassionate Friends, and donated a book in memory of my lovely little girl....even now I cry as I write to you.

They lovingly said, you love completely each child conceived for the rest of your life. You are allowed to love. It will get easier and then you will pass on your strength, and you will know when to pass it on.
It does not matter whether your child was misscarried, stillborn, sids, 10 year old in an accident, or 25 year old lost in the war. That group taught me to live again, and yes it does get easier, however you will not know why at times you feel sad, and then you remember this is when you found out your were pregnant, and when you suffered your loss of your love.

So please allow yourselves to grieve, and know that my prayers are with you, ....and I may adopt ...and I'm going through that approval process....as a single mom.
You are a mother forever regardless of whether the child is alive. They taught me to say "I have no surviving child"...and leave it at that.
Treasure the love, and send the love to GOD in heaven as I know your child is with my daughter in heaven.
Much love and check out this group as it is national!!!

Answer 2

I lost a baby....she was on ultrasound. She was healthy. She was the right size, weight, length, perfectly developed for her gestational age. I was 15 and my body was not prepared to support a developing fetus, that is what the doctors told me. I was 24 weeks along and I had just begun to feel her move. So, yes, to start with, I know how you feel.

Firstly, let me say, having other children in your life does NOT make it okay. And "you can try again"...."you'll have more someday".....These heartless comments, that you've probably heard before and will hear again, are useless, because they do not soften the loss of a child. Does still having your mother alive make the death of your father painless? I think not!

Will you feel "okay"? I can't answer that. I still miss my little girl. I wonder what she would've looked like now, 7 years later. I wonder if she would've been smarter than I was, how long her hair would be, what her favorite book, tv show, color, would be. If she would think boys are icky, or be one of those with a "boyfriend" in second grade. I wonder if she would love dolls or soccer, or both. I'll always miss her, she was my baby, my first. Does it get better? Yes. As each month passes, you'll think of her less. And with the coming years, and I do mean years, it will take that long, you will remember her only on occasions like this, when others have similar situations, or when something reminds you of her. Eventually, you will be able to smile and think happy memories of her, instead of bursting into tears everytime she enters your mind. Eventually, though it won't ever stop hurting, it will hurt less.

Now, as for the issue of other children in the future, please please don't deny yourself the ability to provide a wonderful, happy, stable, home to another child, even if it is not biologically your own. I know adoption is expensive, and frustrating, and a terribly long process. But you do have another option for having children in your life, helping others, and perhaps someday having the chance to adopt a child to be your own. Call your local Department of Children and Family Services or the Department of Human Services (DHS and DCFS). Every single county in the United States is short on foster parents, forcing displaced children to be housed in "Group Homes" the modern-day term for orphanages. I know that it may be too soon right now, but keep this in mind for the future. I personally think that denying biological children to some families is the Universe's way of insuring a home for those without.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Time is the only remedy. I have lost an infant as well, and I found a few things that helped.

1. My husband and I had a small remembrance ceremony with close family and friends, to remember and Honor our lost child.
2. We named the baby, like you did.
3. We put up a plaque in our yard by a tree - a place to remember him.
4. We carried on with our lives. Like any other loss, you have to go on.
5. We went to counselling, both together and apart. We talked about our loss, with all the range of emotions, and got rid of all our guilt and anger and suspicions.
6. We made a donation to a local charity for babies in poverty in our child's name, also as a remembrance.
7. We have a few mementos tucked away of our son.

You have suffered a great loss. Give yourself and your husband permission to grieve that loss. You will never forget, but time will ease your pain.

I wish you peace.

Answer 4

My friend had a still born at 8 mo. She placed a picture of the baby girl up in her house. It was her way of grieving. Now just to let you know if you do this some friends and family my be a little weirded out. My husband was with my friend. After we had our miscarriage he understood her. We even hung the ultrasound in the house. It takes some time but you don’t need to just get over it. Grieve for as long as you need and do it your way. Their is no rite or wrong way.

Answer 5

That is not something that you can "get over". You will just need to learn to live with it, and as time ( a LOT of time) goes by the pain will lessen.
My GF's mom had a stilborn, and to this day they still remember his B-Day (he would have been 18 this year). It isn't a celebration but more of a memorial for what they lost.

I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 6

Oh, my heart breaks for you!!! I can't even imagine. I'm very sorry.
It's a little different, but my neice died from SIDS at 5 months. You will never get over something like this. The pain lifts a little over time, but will never go away. Make sure to take care of yourself, and even get counseling. It may helpt to talk about it. Or even join a web group. I know you said you can't try again, but what about adoption? Or surragate?
I promise you will be happy again someday. It may take soo long, but you will find happiness. Don't let anyone tell you how long to grieve, you will do things how you need to. Things are sure bleek right now, but things will start to come together.

Answer 7

Have you thought of adopting a child that needs a loving family?

Answer 8

i dnt know how u feel but i do knw that u will be okay again u and your husand just have to forget about the past and move on it will be difficult but u will overcome it.

Answer 9

I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family.

Answer 10

o my gosh I'm so sorry. that's very sad but time heals everything you will feel better and hopefully one day you will have a child. i hope you feel better.