I adopted him a few years ago. He has been in therapy for a few months. Went with him the other day and seems he spends all his time in there complained about total BS (like too many chores..like trash and empty diswasher are taxing) and plays out this whole victem thing. He will do dishonest stuff, manipulate, and then when he is snagged, he REFUSES to hold it and be accountible. I have set up reward systems, mirrored making a mistake and owning it happily, talking to him, etc etc. I am at my wits end. I have asked him what the worst is that can happen and I get nothing. Are there any experienced parents or therapists out that that can shed some light on this for me? Know that this is a very good, stable, open and loving home.
2006-11-03 07:06:14 · 15 answers · asked by donewiththismess 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Give the kid a break. He's probably been through a lot. Besides, everyone has lied once in their life.
2006-11-03 07:09:05 · answer #1 · answered by coolbabe1959 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know depending on his age it all sounds like very age appropriate behavior....not to say it is acceptable. That's where our jobs as parents come in... I know that it can be very taxing on a parent. Just keep in mind that mistakes are for childhood and we are there to teach them the difference. That is why it is called "a labor of love".
Does he have internet, video games T.V. etc...?
If so use that as his currency. Nothing in life is free right?
It seems to work in my home (most of the time).. The girls know that their effort and attitude buys them privileges on the computer with friends on the phone etc....
I also mimic their attitude to give them a point of reference. They want to huff and gruff when it's time to do the dished but then they are all kinds of sweet when they want a ride or someone over....well I give it right back to them (same day of attitude)
Also explain that all the law says we have to do is provide shelter, food and clothes. Anything beyond that is a gift.... I don't have to buy the clothes they, like I choose to....Same with food , posters on the wall , choice of music and so on!!! Try to bear through it, I know ti's hard whether your a natural or adoptive parent!!!
Remember to breathe deep every time you feel upset or frustrated and speak in calm voice without engaging in an argument (that's the hard part for me)
You could also go "old school" and have him dig a 3 by 3 foot hole in the back yard and when he comes to say he's done make him fill it back up...then maybe emptying the dishwasher won't seem like such hard work!!!
Best Wishes!!!!
2006-11-03 15:20:26 · answer #2 · answered by yidlmama 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While I am very sympathetic to your situation, you failed to mention the age of the child and his circumstances before you adopted him and how long he was in those circumstances. This would have a very profound impact upon a practical answer to your concerns. With nothing more to go on, I would suggest that you keep it up. Keep him in therapy, keep setting good examples, but do not allow the bad behavior to go without consequences. It is crucial that he learn to take responsibility for himself now. Otherwise, as he grows older, the negative behavior will become far more dangerous to you and to him.
2006-11-03 15:11:55 · answer #3 · answered by Emm 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have rules and consequences, right?
They are simple and straight forward. Be consistent, no discussion. Use the KISS method.
Don't worry about his griping to someone else. You don't have to hear it. Reward good behavior. Do it unexpectedly. If unacceptable behavior starts, the activity stops. No one wants to be around someone who's game is make everyone else upset.
In the real world we work for rewards. There is nothing wrong with making our children do chores and help out for rewards. It did not hurt us.
Later if he is responsible he may wish to get an outside job. Just wait until he has to pay rent, and bills for food, gas, and everything else. My son told me that he wished he had known how good he had it befor he went out on his own.
**KISS Keep It Simple Sugar
2006-11-03 15:27:55 · answer #4 · answered by sundown15 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can only guess based on the little you've said. But it might be that he's never been respected, that the closest thing he has to self respect is to not be ordered or manipulated. Maybe he needs to know that you love him unconditionally for who he really is beneath his behavior. Easy to say and hard to do. But if your actual concern is with what he's experiencing more than with whether or not he does what you expect, you might start to gain closeness with him.
2006-11-03 15:15:34 · answer #5 · answered by beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, he's just one of those kids who absolutely refuses to conform to any of society's norms and nothing is going to change him short of a brick to the head.
Love him as you normally would but, refuse to do things his way.
Show him how lazy and irresponsible YOU can be. Accidentally forget his birthday, refuse to purchase him Christmas gifts and say that you ran out of money because you spent it on things you thought more important (like, I don't know, a new hairdo for yourself), before you got to buying his gifts. Forget to do things you promised, like give money for something special or show up at a special event. Don't cook dinner a few times, make him scrounge in the refrigerator or cabinets for something to eat. Claim you felt like being lazy today or you didn't feel like it.
This past year my 12 year old daughter spent the summer at her cousins house in another state, as we we're going to move there in a couple of weeks anyway. Come to find out they both snuck out at 2 AM (12 YEARS OLD!). Well, she/they lied about it. Fine I thought. Seems she was also on the cusp of failing school. Well she passed by the skin of her teeth but, do you think I told her that? Nope. The G/F and I bold faced lied to her and told her she failed. Come to find out later that she cried for two days. I/We told her 3 weeks later, after moving, that she had in fact passed. I asked her how she felt being lied to. She hasn't lied again/yet (I hope) Taste of her own medicine!
Show your youth that you can be as irresponsible and lazy as they. You have feelings too! It's never too early/late to teach "do unto others".
No more yelling, no more punishment, no more conflict. Handle your problems at home and let the law handle the ones outside.
Don't defend him, don't negotiate.
Look Mom, it's your way, your house, your rules. Don't be a pushover. Tough but fair. The reward for good behavior is love. The reward for bad behavior is love tempered with discipline and education.
Show him the way!
2006-11-03 15:33:31 · answer #6 · answered by WHY? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you're a good parent ; kids like to being playful, so be playful you too! I know it'll be a bit hard, but start getting into his
spirit of play and gradually drive him out of it towards honesty and
good standing!!!
Ciao......John-John.
2006-11-03 19:05:11 · answer #7 · answered by John-John 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have found this out with both my kids. I am not sure what you do but keep up with the positive and the discipline. There are days it works and days it don't. Don't give up and good luck as we all need it with our children.
2006-11-03 15:36:04 · answer #8 · answered by Curious33 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well if he is a younger one then idk what to tell u but if he is an older kinda teenager then maybe he is going thru a stage or maybe not... trying reasoning with him... maybe u'll get lucky u never know... one day he will think back and say man i was the worst kid ever.... try and give him rewards for what he does rite and give him punishments for what he does wrong! good luck
:) Me
2006-11-03 15:10:25 · answer #9 · answered by Bridget Babe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him Keep working with him. My kids Dad is a total lying piece of **** - I see it in the kids and can't help but think they have inherited it. It takes a long time to "reprogram" a kid! Keep with it! Eventually it HAS to pay off!! It's not the kids fault!!!!
2006-11-03 15:10:27 · answer #10 · answered by Scorpio 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋