Is this rape?

Question

I was in a relationship with this guy, and he would pester me for sex, sometimes nonstop, and I would tel him no, but then he would start to kiss and grope me even though I would push him away.. eventually I would give in and I would feel dirty afterwards. I still do feel humiliated, and disgusted with myself, and worthless, which I read happens after rape. I tried telling someone a while back why I was sad, but she was a "mutual" friend of his, and said that he wouldn't do something like that and that I was over-reacting. She told everyone I was making things up, and I lost alot of friends in the process. That guy is long gone, but there is someone new that wants to take me out, and so far has been a perfect gentleman, and I think I should tell him why I've been skiddish to go out with him, but I'm scared the same thing will happen again. (the laughing). My questions are, was I over-reacting w/ the last guy, and how do I tell the new guy what happened without crying all over?

Answer 1

Yes it is RAPE ! I lost my virginity in the SAME way! I always wondered why I felt dirty and used. He just didn't listen to me and kissed me alot and i said no but he said i would be OK and I kind of froze and he did it anyways ....these are people who do not care about you or your feelings.
NO ONE should feel PRESSURED into having sex !

Answer 2

If you like him then you should be honest with him about your feeling and let him know that you are uncomfortable with sex. If he likes you too, then he will understand and wait until you are ready. If he gets pushy --- if any guys ever get pushy --- tell them to get lost. They are not worth your time. Remember that having sex is YOUR decision and nobody should talk or push you into it.

Legally I don't think what happened to you before could be defined as rape, because you said that you gave in. But emotionally it may still feel that way because you know that you didn't want to.

Date rape has always been tricky, because there is so much ambiguity when two people are "dating" or friends. Maybe the guy didn't know that you weren't into it, maybe you weren't clear enough. To avoid these ambiguities in the future. Stand your ground. If someone gets pushy. Gently push them away from you and state firmly No, I am not going to do this, or I'm not ready. If they continue to push then clearly they are not concerned with your feelings and you need to get yourself out of the situation by whatever means necessary...kicking and screaming, whatever.

I've been in that situation before, where the guy just thought that I was being coy and that I really wanted it. I said, "Listen buddy if you keep on doing this then it is going to be rape, because I do NOT WANT TO! It was only then that he realized that I was serious and he backed off real quick."

Some guys are mean, some are just stupid, but if you are clear and direct with your intentions then you are doing what you can to protect yourself. A little pepperspray might come in handy too.

Answer 3

Although it may not be considered rape per se, the fact that it was not consensual puts it in a fine line of rape like. You have every right to say no and to have these words listened too or else it is a rape. Go ahead with this new beau if he has been a gentleman to you. When the time is right you can explain your reasoning for being a bit skiddish and I am certain, if he is that fond of you, that he will not only understand but will stand up and defend what you are saying.

Answer 4

First i think you did react a bit to much on your ex the key part you stated i this is " I would give in" this make it in my eye not rape as you did consent. If you pushed him away and he pined you and forced it upon you without consent that is rape.

On the matter of telling the new guy i think all guys are different and can't say he is or is not the same you will only know that by dating him. If he is leave if not you gained something it is a risk you have to be willing to take. I think you should just come out and tell him and if he is a good guy he will listen and understand your position. If not he is not worth your time.

Answer 5

I think your feelings are valid and you aren't over reacting at all. If this "new fella" truly is a perfect gentleman, you shouldn't have to explain it to him and he should understand anyway. Eventually, as your relationship and trust grows stronger, you may feel more comfortable to have the conversation with him... not so much as an explanation but, as a person who is willing to listen and share in your hurt over the experience.

There probably not much you can do about what happened in the past but, the good news is that now you have perspective and will be able to identify the warning signs of this danger. You'll find much fullfilment and gratification in a relationship with someone who genuinely cares about you and not just themselves.

Answer 6

I would say sexual harrassment not necessarily rape because in your words exactly "eventually I would give in". Those words don't neccesarily say rape. Dating the new guy doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have sex with him ok. Maybe you should let him know up front that you want a no sex relationship for now. Later if you want to make a serious commitment to this guy and he's stuck around long enough then you can tell him about your past. In the mean time seek counselling because you have unresolved issues as it relates to your past. Good luck.

Answer 7

there is a fine line between date rape and coercive sex, which is why its so hard to prosecute. remember, you did NOTHING WRONG!!!! You said NO, and he pushed. Even if you "gave in" he still disrespected you and would not take no for an answer. Do you thing if you had said no 100 times he would have stopped? not likely. he has his "eyes on the prize". Let your new bf know what happened to you, but be fair to him. If he is a gentleman, he will let you set the pace for any lovemaking you do, until you are comfortable letting him "take the wheel". if you can not feel intimacy because of past experiences, call a rape crisis hot line. They can give you advice and support, and let you know you are not alone. God bless.

Answer 8

I think you have a lot of issues when it comes to the acceptability of sex and where the line is between sex for pleasure and as an emotional display.

Perhaps you need to really look deeply inside yourself and try to discover where these feelings are coming from. It is always okay to say no and any man should respect that. By giving in you are in a sense sacrificing your own will. Perhaps you should try to determine what are your requirements for sex. Maybe even ask your self if you want sex to be a part of your life. Then proceed forth from there. Stop trying to define things by the term rape and instead define them by your own wishes and desires.

Answer 9

Here's what you need to learn: It's not rape because it was consensual. If you didn't want to, said no, fought him physically and then he dominated you, that would be Rape. What you did was simply give in to Peer Pressure.
As for this new guy, leave all that other bs behind you and let this new guy treat you good. Hopefully you're a little smarter now to realize that you're not ready for sex and that level of relationship so take your time and just have fun with this new guy. Let go of the past. He cannot be blamed for that.

Answer 10

Yes and no. Because you didn't really do THAT much to stop him and yeah because you didn't want him to have sex with you.
With this new guy just tell him right away, crying is not necessarily a bad thing you know. I hate when people tell people who feel like crying oh don't cry because crying is just a way to let out your emotions and sort of let go of everything. Just tell him, but make it obvious that you're serious. If he laughs or whatever then he's an ****** and doesn't deserve you.

Answer 11

Yes I think he raped you. Because he kepted on pestering you until you gave in even though you said no. How old are you? Here is my suggestion. Get him out of you life, I mean have no contact with him anymore because this is probably a good sign that he is an abuser and will always force you into doing things. Look out for yourself and get rid of his sorry a$$.