A lady at work lost her daughter to cancer. We sent out an email stating that if people would like to donate money, we were going to provide food to the family. People donated money, and then the other girls in my department decided to just give the money to our coworker. Is that proper, or should they have used the money for what we had specified it was going to be used for? I objected but my coworkers insisted that we help her out by reimbursing money she has already spent. What do you think?
2006-11-03 02:08:12 · 7 answers · asked by April M 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
If people donated money after being told it was for food, then it should have been used for food. It was wrong, no matter how good the intention, to solict funds for a project, then change the entire nature of the project with out checking with every one who donated to see if it was OK with them. I wouldn't raise a fuss about it though, as long as you're sure all the money got to her.
2006-11-03 02:33:00 · answer #1 · answered by michaelsmaniacal 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think it is fine to give money. The mourner can spend it however she wants, or needs to. It is polite to send money at a funeral, everyone knows how expensive they can be. When my parents each died, I got cards with small, five dollars, and large, 50 dollars amounts. I did not need the money, but it was very nice of people to offer to help. I just told people I put it towards funeral expenses in the thank you note.
She can use it to defray funeral expenses, put it away for seasonal grave flowers, give it to a charity, pay medical bills, or give to the daughter's husband and kids, were the daughter to have had them. Or just spend it. Or have a keepsake preserved, framed, made, what ever she wants.
I'm not sure I would have given food, though that is a nice gesture, too, trying to save her a trip to the grocery. If she is having financial difficulties, and everyone knows it, fine. It could be misinterpreted by the lady as people think she is poor, and needs a can good drive. You would know her better than me, if she would have liked a food gift.
Don't be mad at the co-workers, they thought they were trying to help, just like you did. If anyone gets upset that the original request was for food money, just tell them that the majority ruled, and the decision made to give the money. Try to avoid sour grapes, the mourner might get wind of it, and it will make her feel bad. She might think,"I'm sorry the death of my daughter caused so much trouble for you all."
It was so nice of all of you to help. When my Mom died, work took up a very small collection, and sent someone that lived close to me with artificial flowers. Administration would not give me the time off to be with Mom her dast days, and I had to tell them I would be taking the 3 days off for the funeral, as was the policy of work, they were not going to give it to me. I'm sure she appreciated your support.
2006-11-03 14:28:35 · answer #2 · answered by riversconfluence 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The money should have been used to purchase a gift card for a local grocery store. It is beyond all forms of decency to ask for money for a specific charitable reason and then use it for reasons other than first represented.
Lesson to be learned: Never give cash to anybody or anything, unless you really don't care what happens to it or what is done with it.
2006-11-03 12:07:05 · answer #3 · answered by No Shortage 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is very nice when co-workers get together and donate in a time of need. I am sure the woman who lost her daughter will appreciate your thought whether it was food/money/card/telephone call or what have you.
2006-11-03 10:14:13 · answer #4 · answered by lilygateau 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
??!?
It's entirely up to them to give, or not give, their money away as they see fit. There's no breach of etiquette at all in their not donating to the specified fund.
I don't know how thrilled I'd be with people who were not close friends or family directly buying my food for me, no matter what was going on in my life. It sounds like a rather ill-conceived idea, and, in the absence of more information, I'm on the side of your co-workers.
2006-11-03 10:18:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Food not great idea.....the close family will take care of it. it might be nice to give her the cash in plain white envelope to she could pay any med bills or stuff lilke that....if you guys wanna do something really special for her.....wait a month or two and then give a day at he spa or something.....so she could relax a little after a very tense ordeal she need focus on going on with her life.
2006-11-03 10:34:47 · answer #6 · answered by entelectual h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its not clear if she is in need because she lost her daughter.
I think words of condolences are far better. But if you know for sure she is in need of money or whatever then you should help her in the most appropriate way. Usually one person approaching her with the gift and explains to her that the group wants give support is most appropriate. So its best to be discreet and sincere with her.
2006-11-03 10:31:14 · answer #7 · answered by zai_alouz 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋