A divorced mother who is angry with her 11 year old son tells him " people can tell your bad inside" Is this a terrible thing to say, or just an effective way to make him behave? Later she said she meant that if your not nice to mother people can see your bad inside. Would this make someone feel bad about themselves as an adult?
2006-11-03 01:36:41 · 18 answers · asked by DALIAN 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I wouldn't say that to my children. I still remember things my parents said to me when I was a child and I know they effected me. Parents should never take their anger out on their children and there are other ways of getting them to behave besides verbal abuse.
2006-11-03 01:39:46 · answer #1 · answered by Army Wife 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is very wrong!
As the mother of an only son (only child), I know that raising him was a beautiful experience for me. I am not saying there were only lovely sunshiny days and we held hands and smiled all day.
NO! There were days when I felt very very angry with him but I always scolded him without diminishing his self-worth. I have beaten him - twice in his life - and each time he had gone way too far.
I recall one day when he came from school and asked me if I would beat him if he told me something. I told him - without knowing what had happened - that I would have to determine that based on what he had done, so tell me! I wanted him to know that I was going to be fair-minded and if I felt he deserved a spanking, then a spanking he would get.
You see, my mother beat me relentlessly and I resented her for it. She did not think anyone had the right to tell her to stop since she birthed me, she said. I searched my conscience and my thoughts to try to understand what could make anyone, a mother, be so violent with a child - not just her child, but any child - and to this day, I know in my heart, it was not about me.
From what she one day confessed to me when I became an adult, she had deep-seated issues and it seemed I was her 'whipping boy' or her 'sacrificial lamb'. Either way, it was her problem and I paid for it!
Remember, this 11 year old boy is being raised by his mother who is telling him what other people see in him. That is unfair! Those other people are not his parent; she is! She is responsible for his learning good behavior. She has been and should have been teaching him - from 'baby stage' how to behave seemly. Too many times, too many parents wait until after the child's formative years to tell him to be this or that. We are taught from very early to "bend the tree while it is young". If not, when you try to do so later, it will be too tough and it will snap back and knock you out. Some children do that!
It is a fallacy that children do not understand. They are smart and rather intelligent - in many instances - moreso than the parents - and if parents take the time to really look at their children, they will realize this.
"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it!" Just love him, try to reach him every waking moment and raise him the best way she can - honestly - and one day when he is a man, he will remember and it will make all the difference between doing what's right or what's wrong. He will become a man who she will be extremely proud to call "Son!"
2006-11-03 10:17:03 · answer #2 · answered by SANCHA 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, that's definitely not a GOOD thing to tell an 11 year old boy. I know from experience that it's more likely to make him "rebel" then behave. Not from the one statement, but if he's been yelled at like that before. If he was already insecure, he may tend to feel bad, and try harder, or he would just give up on trying to make her happy. But that all depends on his self-esteem level. And, I do agree. That is not good parenting. If the mother thought he was doing something wrong, she should help him to learn NOT to do those things, instead of criticizing him. That could make him think he's not good enough, or things like that..And who wants their children overcome by guilt? I wouldn't...I remember that as a kid, it definitely affected me. Don't let it happen to other kids...
2006-11-03 09:53:08 · answer #3 · answered by xnotfortheworldx 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a ridiculous thing 2 say 2 an 11 yr old child. Couldn't it be that the boy has been affected by the divorce just the same as the mother??
U should try and explain that what he has been saying and doing is hurting his mother but don't tell him that he is bad inside....it is a very heartless thing 2 say!
2006-11-03 09:45:00 · answer #4 · answered by fat_arse 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It really is tough to say how this will effect the child in the future. There are many other ways to get your point across. If she is explaining to him that he isn't always bad on the inside and maybe sometimes she says something like WOW you are just soo beautiful today! What a wonderful boy you are! OR something of that nature it would be ok. As parents we have to make sure to not always focus on the bad things.
2006-11-03 09:51:55 · answer #5 · answered by I Ain't Your Momma 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes. you never ever tell a child it's bad. i tell you what this poor child is thinking: well if even my own mom thinks i'm a bad person, and doesn't love me nobody ever will. and he's never gonna love himself either. tell him what he did was bad, not he himself is bad. since his parents got divorced he's bound to act up,it's not only hard on the mother it's hard on him, too.but he is only a kid and doesn't know yet how to deal better, his mother should be an example not another problem. i don't assume to know how hard a divorce must be, nevertheless the adult needs to act like the adult and not let her frustration out on the kid. put him in time out tell him he is behaving bad and hurting your feelings by not treating you nice, demand an apology. of course his behavior needs to be corrected, but telling him "people can tell your bad inside" is definitely going to make it worse!
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2006-11-03 12:49:21 · answer #6 · answered by gabriela 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am pretty sure it's not the best way to get him to behave. By telling him that he is bad inside might make him believe it and possibly cause him to misbehave even more. I think its better to tell him exactly what he is doing wrong and why its wrong. This way he understands why his mother is so unhappy with him.
2006-11-03 10:26:42 · answer #7 · answered by ceci_garcia21 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, when said out of love it's not a bad thing. Because after all, it's just a way to say "it's what is on the inside that counts."
But when just angry and trying to hurt the kid, that's awful. If I were that kid I'd say it must be hereditary.
2006-11-03 09:45:31 · answer #8 · answered by Much too tired. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes there is a difference between bad people and bad behaviors.
At 11 years of age, bad behavior is learned and can be unlearned/changed. Labeling a child as bad teaches him/her that nothing will ever change, that's all that the child will be. The child learns that "bad" is expected.
Additionally, if a child needs specific attention and does not receive it except for when he/she exhibits poor behavior then they will learn to repeat bad behavior in order to get the attention they need. Negative attention is still attention.
2006-11-03 09:50:28 · answer #9 · answered by always_cookin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it is wrong.
a child is not bad...their choices or behavior is bad but a child is not bad. and should never be told that they are bad ....inside or out...
only choices or behavior is bad not the child
it can cause the child problems by telling them they are bad ...they may start using that as an excuse as to why they do things..."I can t help it I'm just a bad boy"
2006-11-03 09:52:33 · answer #10 · answered by ladysilverhorn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋