My Dad has been having an affair and told my mum out of guilt.?

Question

My parents have been married for over 30 years and I've always thought that they had a good relationship. Suddenly, last week my dad told my mum that he has been having an affair with a family friend for the past 5 years.

He does not want a divorce and said that he would never leave my mum but had told her out of guilt. He said that he cannot leave the other woman and expects my mum to accept it and everyone to live happily ever after.

My mum is heartbroken, she cries every day for the past week and I cry with her. I'm so upset that my dad could do this to our family and I have lost all respect for him. Everytime I think about him and that woman and what they've done to my mum my heart aches. I know my pain is nothing compared to my mum. I don't know how to deal with this. How can I help my mum, I don't know what advise to give her.

Answer 1

Your poor mum...5 years is a long time. I hope she gets rid of him as its a real cheek if he says he can't stop seeing the other woman !!!

Answer 2

My husband's dad had an affair on my husbands mother for 20 years! He was leading a double life when she found out he said he wouldn't see her again but he just kept going back and forth.In the end his mother kicked him out for good and divorced him and he moved in with his bit on the side.They are still together 4 years later and she has been mixing so that my hubby and his dad don't speak anymore.Tell your mum to keep hold of her self respect and give him an ultimatum but I suspect that the trust is never the same and If I were her I would end it because 5 yrs is a long time it's not as if it was a little fling.He will have feelings towards the other woman or he wouldn't of let it go on for so long.Good luck.

Answer 3

Your dad is being a selfish bstard! It is totally unreasonable for him to expect your mum to be OK with him continuing to see this other woman and then come home to your house for his tea!

He needs to make a choice between your mum and this other woman. If he isn't prepared to stop seeing the other woman then your mum should kick him out.

She could make a start in that direction by telling him to pack his bags and get out for a while. He can go and stay in a Bed & Breakfast (or with his other woman) until he gets the guts to make a choice.

You could also tell him how you feel about him. Maybe give him a good hard slap while you're at it - he deserves it! Might help bring him to his senses!

Answer 4

What a terrible thing to have happen. I'm so sorry...

There are things you can do to help your Mom:

1. Encourage her to see a counselor or join a group where she can express herself and find ways to deal with her shock and anger. She has a lot to think about and get off her chest. Being with others who've been through this, or having a professional give her tools to deal with the situations, will help tremendously.

2. Continue to be supportive of your mom whenever you can, but don't let your own anger blind-side you. Also, as much as your father has hurt you, this is an issue he and your mom need to work out, regardless of how they choose to solve it. Don't put yourself in the middle of it.

3. Don't bad mouth your Dad to your Mom; she's already hurt and angry. If you want to talk to your Dad to express your anger, do that. Your mom will have enough to deal with and needs to find a way to manage her own anger; she can't take on yours as well.

You will have to confront your Dad with your feelings at some point. You should try and do it when you can clearly express how you feel, and when your emotions won't overwhelm you. He has to understand that it's not cool what he did, and that you're not just going to say "OK Dad!" and things will be wonderful. There are consequences to the choices we make, and he'll have to live with his.

Encourage your Mom to get counseling or join a group. You'll both find a way to get through this...don't let your anger become all consuming. Both of you live the best possible lives.

Answer 5

There is not a lot of advice you can give to your mum right now just be there for her, your dad sounds very selfish to think that he can have his cake and eat it, if I were your mum I would kick him out he will soon make his mind up who he wants then. Hopefully by then your mum will have the strength to say GET LOST You sound a great support for her but meanwhile dont be too horrible to your dad as he has done wrong but you will still want him in your life when it all dies down whichever decision your mum makes.+

Answer 6

This is a tough situation but i still decided to share an answer because i have gone the same pain. The only difference is that my father didnt had an affair with a family friend, so the intensity of the pain is a little bit different from your mom's point of view. Your ill feelings towards your father is normal. We all go through that process of losing our respect to the man who gave us life and has provided us everything we need. Infact, I have been urging my mother to leave him (been doing this since I was 16, I am now 34; since my father never stopped from one woman to another with a package deal of having to inflict physical pain to my mother). But you see, at the end of the day, it is still our mother's love and commitment to marriage that prevails. The only important thing we could offer is letting our mother know they are very special to us and that we love her very much. I am now living in Vancouver from the Philippines but every minute never last without ever saying a prayer that my mom is safe in my father's hands. She is still living with him at 70 years old. When she was 69 she still gets some punch from him. I guess the best thing to do is to never cease praying that everything is going to be alright despite all the ugliness that has surfaced in our relationships and that we will always be strong for each other - you have to be strong for your mother.

Answer 7

Oh this is sad....i am sorry, all you can do for your mum is be there when she cries, give her little hugs...what your dad did was wrong, he's just destroyed what your family had, so things will change big time, don't hate him though, after all he is your dad, but let him know that he's hurt you all and your finding it had to deal with, forget the other woman she is no longer a friend of the family, just be there for your mum and try to comfort her when she is upset, sorry this is happening to you...i know what it's like to be cheated on and i know all them emotions your mum is feeling right now, give her time to come to terms with it, time is a great healer, but just be there for her

Answer 8

That's awful for you all! If he put an end to the affair, then your Mum would have something to work with. If he says he can't leave the other woman then he needs to move out of your house and do the kind thing to your Mum. He's acting ver selfishly and obviously wants to have his cake and eat it. Your Mum has rights and needs to get the strength to get him out of the house. She needs to get a very good (female) solicitor. Some men have these midlife crises and get into relationships that they can't get out of (remember that they are weak compared to us women-They are controlled by a certain organ and also easily manipulated by women). You need to find out more about the affair: How it started, how it evolved, what is stopping this your Dad from ending it? Good luck, it's a very tricky one and he obviously has no back bone!

Answer 9

If he expects her to simply accept it and stay with him he has another think coming. Stick by your mum. She needs you right now. Let her know that if she is thinking about leaving him - which she should be - you'll be okay with it. She's not to blame for his blatant and horrible infidelity and both of you are strong enough to make it without him.

She loves him a lot I'm sure, but she needs to consider herself, and her children. She needs to hold on to her dignity. He isn't worth a woman who will cry over him. Help your mother grieve, but also help her be strong. If she needs to leave let her know that she isn't losing all the important people in her life. She has you.

P.S. Might I suggest going on a girls day out and both of you getting a complete makeover - spa, clothes, hair, makeup - and go out on the town off your dad's credit card. It might make you both feel a bit nicer after being pampered. It could also help your mum see herself at her best and maybe give her the confidence to leave and start over on her own.

Answer 10

No...your dad has told your mum because he is unable to be a man and make his own decisions!!!
Why, suddenly, after 5 years does he feel guilty??
What he wants your mum to do is leave him....he doesn't want to take responsible for the break-up....he wants to be able to say it was her choice.
Lots of marriages break up, and it is always traumatic, but i think your dad is being very unfair....he should take responsibility for his actions.
Your mum needs time to decide what to do....any decision she makes now will be done in anger, but if your dad is not going to leave this other woman it would seem she only has two choices....stay or go!
All you can do now is offer her your support....it won't be easy for you not to take sides in this...and you will need some support yourself....

Answer 11

How selfish of him!

he's not just been cheating on your mom but you as well, spending time away from the family.

the fact that it's a family friend is all the more soul destroying and disgusting.

He should do the Honourable thing and break it off with the other women. I hope for all your sakes that your mom divorces him and gives her self the chance of been loved my someone who truly deserves her attention and love.

Tell her that you will be there for her when ever she needs to talk. Suggest that they all sit down and talk about what they both want and be there to see that your mom has her say about how she's feeling. but be prepared for her to hang on to him because she can't imagine been on her own after all this time.

best wishes.