Just found out close friend (18 yrs old) has gotten girl (18-freshman in college) pregnant. They are getting married tomorrow. Obviously not a good time for marriage or a baby, but there's no talking to them. What do you say to the couple? I want to tell them a million reasons why they've messed up but I know I need to love them and support them too. What should I say? What should I not say? What do you say to his parents? They are devastated. I know this is very common in the world we live in now, but still shameful and disappointing. How do you support them, and love them without them thinking you are condoning their behavior? My husband and I can't pretend nothing's wrong.
2006-11-02 17:09:14 · 14 answers · asked by tagsfan 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
There is nothing you can or should do about their decision to get married or them expecting a child. What's done is done, and now they're trying to deal with things in a responsible way. They're trying to do what they think is right and they're probably having a hard enough time already with those important life events and decisions without people making it worse by interfering. You should be a good friend, wish them all the best and don't judge them or give them a hard time over this, they're having enough of that already without you adding to the stress. Be supportive. You can do that without agreeing with what's going on. Don't let your friend down. It's their life.
2006-11-02 21:10:04 · answer #1 · answered by undir 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They share the many stories among many others their age. True enough they did it backwards, but they are in a time where they can still have a career and a family and go through school. If it was like 50 years ago or less I don't know what they would be doing. I mean if the parents know, what can you say? As least they are getting married, even though that isn't going to solve all of their problems, at least he is standing up that he has a responsibility. But that ain't nothin, I know this dude that got this girl pregnant when she was like 14 or 15, and now they got 4 kids and she 26, and she just got her GED a few years ago, and he just put everything on hold to take care of his family, but at 16 he got his own place and took care of her and the baby. so there's worse situations, but you support them the same way. But they are young adults, they need to take responsibility and they are gonna get a pimp slap of reality because the real world ain't no joke especially when you're bringing a life into the world. I had my first child at 25 and everyone was like about time, but I felt like I still wasn't ready. But you get through it. I was going to college from pregnancy after the baby, and I'm graduating next month. So you can do it, the thing is they have to be focused and there's no room for screw ups because every minute has to count because a baby is on the way. I wasn't gonna wait until she was older to go back because I thought why do that and what if something happens, I rather see how far I can go then stop if I let it.. but I'm pushin my way to my degree with my baby on my hip.. But honey, there's nothing you can tell them that they feel like it's condoned. well who are you to them anyways, let them be adults about it and let them tell their parents.. I was a woman and told my mother I was pregnant and she almost had the nerve to get an attitude! But I don't live with her and I have been pretty self reliant.But the key thing is you still have to be there for them to a certain extent. My dad is acting like what you're talking about. For some reason he doesn't really talk about my babies, and he only seen them one time, and he isn't really excited about being a grandfather but he's like over 1000 miles away. His mother has it stuck in his head that we would be asking him for hand outs and to help take care of the babies, and he falls for whatever she says, but she's never been a grandmother to me. But don't act like that. They're gonna pay the price, and not supporting them is gonna buy into their feeling of failure, because that's how i felt; i was failing my dad for getting pregnant. But I'm not ashamed of her and her father and I are not married but he pays for the majority of the bills and buys everything he needs for the baby and me, so i am thankful for that. They're about to be full grown adults now with a child so there's not too much that you can do but pray and hope that they make it and just be there for them if you're a good person wether it's just babysitting or someone to be a support system.
2006-11-03 01:30:02 · answer #2 · answered by Dr. PHILlis (in training) 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To the young man: "Congratulations!"
To the young lady: "I wish you joy," or similar.
To the parents: "What a beautiful ceremony," or similar.
What you should not say to any of them: anything related to what you just said here, save for 'I love and support you.'
There isn't any way around that. Period.
Since she's pregnant, it's a very good time for marriage. Ideal? No. But it beats the alternatives.
18 is not _shockingly_ young. There's a good chance of things working out, especially given that the guy has not moved to another country or similar.
You are congratulating them on their wedding, not 'condoning' their birth control slip-up. That's all. If you genuinely find it "shameful and disappointing," don't say anything, but don't go to the wedding, either -- and expect to not see them after that.
2006-11-03 10:38:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is their life and now they must deal with what has happened themselves and they will soon see that being parents is hard work.
There action with getting married shows me that they are trying to do the right thing.
Really th only thing you can possibly do is offer them support, be there for them as I am sure that is what they really need at the moment.
18 is just the beginning of their adult lives and they will soon see that maybe they should have been more careful but what is done is done.
If people are on their backs about it this will in the end cause division. If they want to talk about it any further they will seek it out but in the meantime just be there for them.
2006-11-03 01:23:21 · answer #4 · answered by *JC* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Coming from somebody who got pregnant right out of high school on my way to college this may sound harsh. But saying that they messed up is wrong and out of line. They made the decision to have sex okay they are going to have a baby, be happy for them be there for them they will for the rest of their lives know that they "messed up" and you telling them or even thinking that way isn't going to help them at all. They shouldn't get married because the likelihood of them staying together is like 5% you grow up and change so much when you have a child so that is certainly not the right thing for them to get married just because they are pregnant.
As for what you say to them tell them congratulations and tell them that you support their decision to take responsibility for their actions not that they messed up that's wrong. Its not up to you to condone their behavior because you can't tell me that you are perfect by any means.
As the bible says let he who be without sin cast the first stone. oh and by the way i assume that you are some bible thumping christian to think this way, why don't you ask god what he would do? because i know the answer to that!!
you love them! Who cares how they got here you love them!!
2006-11-03 01:25:41 · answer #5 · answered by vanessa 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Chances are that they will go through it no matter what you say.
In order to be productive and have them come back to you for good, sound advice on their future, tell them that they have been blessed with a child, another life, so now they will need to work doubly hard and be a "cut-above", i.e., school career, home, etc.
They will turn away from you and their parents if the reaction is negative. Relay to them tough experiences you have gone through, or the experiences of others (of course, after the wedding).
2006-11-03 01:16:23 · answer #6 · answered by swtfreedom1 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you dont have to condone their "behaviour" as you put it, you just need to respect their decisions and support them, especially if its a close friend. Many of my friends were pregnant in High School and Uni, and as much as i thought it was wrong, i supported them all the way.
2006-11-03 01:13:36 · answer #7 · answered by Aussieblonde -bundy'd 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, all i can say is that, what has been done is done... If he and his fiance is happy, then support them. even if you highly disagree and think that they have made a mistake. remember, it's their life, not yours. all you can do is continue to be a good friend, because he and his fiance will only feel more bad about the situation if you tell them what a huge mistake they have made.
2006-11-03 01:19:31 · answer #8 · answered by girlie [♥] 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What does it say in the bible---let he who has never sin cast the first stone.
You have done things wrong in your life, but you never got caught. They did something foolish but are acting responsibly, who are you to judge? These devastated parents will soon be proud grandparents.
2006-11-03 01:18:58 · answer #9 · answered by starting over 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
belive me they r thinking as r u ... and they know that this is a mistake ... i ll not say to u go to them a say good for u .... all i can advice is if u r seeing something wrong happening dont just stand still with ur mouth shut ... u must take an action even if this action is harmful
2006-11-03 08:44:09 · answer #10 · answered by PATOUR 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋