How do you help your teenager to understand it is wrong to joke at others expense?

Question

My child has a strange sense of humor to begin with. He does not care that others feelings may be hurt by what he thinks is humor. I did not raise him this way and am very affended by his actions. I'm just not sure how to handle the situation right now. It has now involved the school, cost loss of going to a track meet, angry parents, possible some other upset students. I do not want him pushed to the point he gives up on his future plans which I feel may be indanger. Please help me to know what to do!
Thank you,
Kim beck

Answer 1

Kim,

Different problems, same frustration, but somehow my son survived to his current age of 22.

My advice (feel free to use any that might apply to your situation, toss any that don't):

1 - If possible, find out if there is an underlying reason for this behavior. Teenagers act out in the oddest ways when there is something wrong that is not getting resolved. He isn't going to tell you. You need to find someone he can talk to, that he can trust, and who he feels comfortable with. Maybe Big Brothers or something like that.

2 - Find him a psychologist, but make sure he is comfortable with that person. Otherwise the problem will probably just get worse. A psychologist will be able to help determine if this is just an "acting out" or if (hopefully not) there is a psychological problem that needs to be treated.
Note: Treated does NOT automatically mean drugs - in fact that should be the last option unless they are a threat to themselves or others.
I have a friend who specializes in treating gang members (usually after they have been ordered to get treatment by the courts), and she doesn't treat them with drugs.

3 - The hardest of all things for a mother - Tough love. I love my son, but he didn't really start to "get it" until I stopped "bailing" him out and forced him to take responsibility for his own actions.

I wish I had done the first one, but I finally did the last. It hurt like heck, but I am very glad I did.

Silk Dragon

BTW - Be careful of arbitrary punishments. Those can work with young children, but with teenagers it is likely to backfire on you.

Answer 2

Dear Kim,
Most kids learn their behavior from home or school. But I'm guessing he's learned this from friends at school. I would find out which friends he's hanging around that share his "strange sense of humor" and keep him away from them.
Secondly, I would consider taking him to a therapist if you can not figure out another way to handle this situation. It is sad, but things can change for the better. Maybe someone with a psychology degree can get through to your son and make him see the "error of his ways."
Good luck and Good Bless from one mother to another...

Answer 3

Kim, I'm not sure that if this child has not already learned this, that they will any time soon. Some things have to be grown out of. When the shoe is on the other foot, that is usually a very good teacher. Maybe turn the tables on this child, let him/her feel what it is like to be the brunt of a joke at their expense. Good luck. :)

Answer 4

Hi Kim!
Having all these troubles wouldn't exactly be catagorized as any type of humor!! Has he had a complete physical lately? A drug test? Anything could be going on here, but I'd definitely get to the facts now, before this gets totally out of hand!! You have my prayers!! Good luck!!

Answer 5

I know this may sound very harsh and difficult to deal with, but maybe it takes some people to do exactly the same thing to him for him to "feel" how he's made others feel, so that he can learn some really good lessons from his pains and painful experiences. Or try to make others ignore him completely, so he knows that it's not fun to be totally ignored when he would like some company. Some times lessons have to be learned in a very hard way, and maybe your child is one of this cases. Good luck.

Answer 6

Kim, I remember in high school a teacher told me to replace peoples names with animals or races with other races and then tell the joke, all of a sudden it isn't funny anymore. I found him to be very right. You are in a tough situation right now, there is only so much you can do. I don't believe that grounding or punishing him is going to get you very far. You need to get to his heart with this so that he FEELS it to be wrong to laugh and make fun of other people. I wish you luck!

Answer 7

He may have insecurities. Have him talk to a specialist, then point out that the world is a much bigger place than school, and that he will not be able to just go out and laugh at people. Make him understand the circumstances. Schools are ill-equipped to handle this. You have to take it on yourself.

Answer 8

Try to arrange for your child to be seen by a child psychologist. He requires professional help because usually, it is hard for someone close and related to deal sensitive matters like that. As we go along, we get confused whether we need to be firm or lenient, we sometimes cross boundaries. So for it to be healthy, and for us not to feel guilty if we think we have gone too firm, someone who is a professional in that area has to be hired.

Answer 9

Go to a counsellor with Your child.Only he can tell this by asking you and your child of this.Change the school after the visit and ask your child to behave properly thereafter in a very polite manner.

Answer 10

find out what he is insecure about. most people(especially kids) make fun of others to divert attention away from themselves and their own hang-ups. is this a recent thing? is he looking for attention? puberty makes kids do some crazy stuff. what about his peer group?
don't forget to take a look at yourself.
and, pick your battles.

good luck!