When's the best time to tell a child that she's adopted?

Question

We have adopted a child since birth and we love her dearly. She's now one year old and we're worried when the time comes when we have to tell her the truth without hurting her feelings. If you're also an adopted child, how did it feel when you learned the truth?

Answer 1

I would say that honesty is the best answer and when she is old enough to understand try something along the lines of look you know how much mummy and daddy love you well when you were a baby I didn't carry you in my tummy someone else helped me your mummy and she loved you too but she knew I would look after you and love you as much as she would so she decided that you could come and live with me and I hope your'e very happy darling because we are and we love you so much we wouldn't change anything. Now I'm not adopted but the father of my children is and the way that he was told is this, him and his sister (natural born to his adoptive parents) were sitting in the bath and she and him were having a kids tiff and she blurted out "Your adopted" now he was three at the time and didn't understand what it mean't and his mum and dad had every intention of telling him when he was old enough to understand but as circumstances would have it he found out a different way, he said he preferred to find out young because it made it easier to accept because there were no stigmas attached at that age and he knew where he stood with everybody around him and he said he felt no less part of the family than anyone else as he was so young he just accepted it and moved on as he says there was no shame or hurt in finding out because his mum and dad were honest and open about the situation. You will know the right time.

Answer 2

I have an adopted daughter, she just turned one yesterday. I intend to tell her as early as possible so she would grow up being aware of it and think its a normal situation. I already bought her story books which touches the subject. One of them is "Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born" by Jaime Lee Curtis. I will try my best not make a big deal out of it. Instead, I intend to make it a common knowledge. I'd openly discuss it and if I happen to be conversing with a good friend, I will not lower my voice in her presence so she would not think that its a bad secret. If she got curious about it and happen to ask me, I'll answer her the best I could. I will not tell her though that her birth parents loves her so much w/c is why they gave her away because she might later get confused and think that if we love her so much, we might later give her away, too. If she asks, if her birth parents love her & if they became sad when they gave her away. I intend to tell her they "probably" did. There are a lot of books on this subject, I'm sure these can enlighten you more. Good luck & God bless.

Answer 3

I have three adoptive siblings and they knew because they are of a different race. It is best to be honest when and if they ask questions. Children are very intunative and they can sense when things are wrong, or different. Making adoption a positive thing; which it is, and letting know that they were chosen and that makes them more special. Knowing that they are loved and just as much a part of your family as a nature child is also important.
Also children can sense fear and if you re uncomfortable, it is your child now and that bond is grown. My siblings are fine with the fact that they were adopted, it was a ceremony and they were spoiled and loved and they are just my younger sisters and brother. Open communication is the key. Honesty is the best way to handle this topic. Best of Luck.

Answer 4

I went through kind of the same thing...

My son was adopted at 8 mos. He still hasn't "been told" but we talk about him coming to us all the time and how we are so happy he did etc. (he'll be 4 next year)

I think some of us make it a far bigger thing than it really is. For us, it was the decision to make it just as logical as when they ask where babies come from.

He is adopted, so are a lot of kids now adays, so, we have just commented on it from the beginning as if everyone knows (which everyone usually does). When he asks about it more, we have a whole notebook about our experience we will read with him.

I hope it works out for you too. You did a wonderful thing and I wish you ALL THE BEST!

Answer 5

Now is the time! get books from the library and help her to understand. The longer u wait the more it will hurt and she will carry scars from it if u decide to tell her as a teen or an adult it would be much more tramatic and would cause some trust issues. If u start now i can pretty much promise you that she will come to understand and it will be a normal thing to her instead of a huge shock. She will love you just the same as always. If my mom was not my birth mother i would still love her to death just the same as i do now. The people who raise you and take care of you feed you and love you are ur real parents. Good luck and blessed be! Melissa.

Answer 6

Let her know when she is older enough to talk, but young enough to be openminded. I'd say now is a good time to introduce her to the concept of families adopting kids, and eventually, when she understand that it's ok, let her know that you adopted her so you can love her and take care of her the way she deserves.

Don't wait until she starts pre-school, that's too late. It is easy to teach kids when they are young about reality than telling them that what they assumed is wrong later.

Answer 7

I had a friend who was adopted I asked him one time how old he was when he found out he was adopted and he said he always new as long as he could remember his parents told him from when he was a baby that he was so loved by God for God sent him to his birth mother and his birth mother loved him so much that she to reconized what was best for him and she sent him to his mother and thats how she knew he was meant for them b/c of all the love that followed him, between God, his birth mother, and his jurney to them. his mother would tell him that he was the luckest kid on earth to have that much love I remember he told me that it was kind of corny but it always made him feel good because he knew he was loved and he believed in fate
Hope it helps his story always stuck with me I felt it was touching

Answer 8

As a student, I would absolutely hate it if my parents told me now (14), i would hate them for not telling me sooner. I would say the earlier the better... Start talking with her about it, and don't make it a scheduled conversation just randomly bring it up, it doesn't have to be a serious conversation she should be proud of it. It puts pressure on us kids if you set aside a specific time to talk about it and makes it way harder to accept.

Answer 9

Why does it have to be a time limit.I would research even ask the pediatrician before I made any decision.That could be harmful if handled improperly

Answer 10

The best time to tell her is when she starts asking questions about where she came from. Always be upfront and honest with her about it, so she knows you are proud of how she came to be part of your family.